politiqs by jonq

hillary takes another shot at the nomination

tommy jonq — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:39:31 GMT

it’s 3 am. have you placed your candidate's name in nomination?

1. in arkansas (motto: “home of wal-mart. and tyson. and billary”), timothy dale “who do i have to kill to get a job around here?” johnson, after being fired from his job at target (motto: “fuck wal-mart and the godzillary they rode in on”) department stores, shot and killed bill “gwatney rhymes with richardson” gwatney, a hillary superdelegate who recently switched his support to o’bama. arkansas (doesn’t rhyme with kansas, for some bizarre reason) police claim to be baffled as to motive. but hillary snickered, anyway. “it’s just a shot in the dark, but i have a wonderful feeling that quite a few obama delegates are having second thoughts, as we zero in on the nomination bullseye in denver next week. lieberman uber alles!”

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/08/13/arkansas-democratic-party-chairman-injured-in-shooting/

2. president john mccain, in his continuing quest to find a weekend replacement for joe “dick cheney” lieberman while lieberman is away shooting rich white republicans in the face, floated the idea of nominating tom “philly cheesesteak. and fries” ridge for “vice” president. “herr lieberman thinks that just as every j.a.p. is entitled to a nose job, so every shicksa is entitled to the god-given right to experience abortion, one of life’s most beautiful, miraculous, and profitable surgical procedures that also helps limit the population of goyim.” when questioned about support for such a move from mainstream republicans, mccain quickly pointed out, “i’m not a republican. lieberman is. besides, bloomberg is a fairy-lover. israel uber alles!”

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/08/13/mccain-says-hed-consider-pro-choice-vp/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26186087/

3. hillary “some of my best friends are joe lieberman” clinton promised to campaign for barack “when irish eyes are smiling at mark warner” o’bama in the fall. “IF he wins the nomination. by the way, did you know that a high-velocity rifle bullet can travel farther and more accurately in the thin air of mile-high stadium?” then she winked at hinckley. then she winked at squeaky fromme. then she winked at dick “one shot” cheney.

http://embeds.blogs.foxnews.com/2008/08/14/hillary-to-be-entered-into-nomination-at-convention/#comment-189907
http://features.csmonitor.com/politics/2008/08/13/hillary-to-share-the-stage-with-mark-warner/#comment-108

4. the chinese (motto: “on a clear day, you can see your hand in front of your face”) “women’s” gymnasties team “won” the gold medal against the u.s., then went to the great wall buffet for milk and fortune cookies. one chinese gymnast lost a baby tooth during the floor exercise, and she put it under her pillow at nap time. the tooth fairy left her a job making toilets for wal-mart.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080814.wcowent14/BNStory/specialComment/home

obama hulas, hillary moolahs, mccain foolahs

tommy jonq — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:27:38 GMT

it’s 3 am. the beverly hilton phone is ringing. a haircut answers. “if you know the name of the man you’d like to nominate for reille’s babydaddy, press 1. if you don’t, press 2. if you’re elizabeth edwards, i’ll be home in time for dinner. and chemotherapy.”

1. “honest” john edwards admitted he has had an affair with reille “she looks better with her clothes off. presumably” hunter, “but i did not father her child. yet another man did. she’s had lots of men. basically, she’s a whore who deserves to have her name dragged through the mud. and her child.” of course, a home paternity test could easily answer that question. “i made a serious error in judgment in making a 3 am booty call at the world’s most famous hotel. i made a serious error in judgment trying to blackmail o’bama before the convention. i made a serious error in judgment thinking i was some kind of pimp, when i’m really just some kind of bitch.”

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,400481,00.html
http://www.dnatesting.com/

2. mariel “women’s fencing has absolutely, positively nothing whatsoever to do with penis envy” zagunis and two american team matesses (matrixes? mattresses?) crushed the rest of the “women” at the beijing “rhymes with bathing all limp dicks” olympics in organized rusty knife fighting. next up: bareknuckle brawling. without the jell-o.

http://www.nbcolympics.com/fencing/news/newsid=185387.html#three+all+us+sweeps+sabre

3. irreplacable, irredeemable irish son of a bitch bernie “if you wanted g-rated comedy, you should have hired michael richards” mac mccollough shut up once. and it killed him. his dying words were, “fuck the cubs. and the hos they rode in on. especially oprah.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/09/bernie.mac/index.html

4. a delegation of “women” to the 2008 democratic “party” convention in denver are lobbying for a plank in the party platform officially decrying “pervasive gender bias in the media. especially katie couric.” but in a new lifetime “network” poll of women voters, only 21 percent blame sexism for godzillary’s defeat. 79 percent say she lost because she’s “a shrill, robotic, ball-busting, power-mad, kazakh uranium spawned monster who’d gleefully throw her own daughter under the bus just to get elected dog catcher in timbuktu.” notwithstanding, political groups such as B.I.T.C.H. (Balls of Iron, Tears of Crocodiles, and Hairylegs) vow to march on denver to deliver “the Whine Heard Round the World.”

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/08/sexism-not-the.html

5. democratic “nominee” barack “aloha oe” obama, in a bungled attempt to disagree with john “if it’s okay with joe, it’s okay with me” mccain on energy policy, accidentally endorsed more offshore oil drilling along the u.s. coast. “i thought he was against it. wasn’t he against it, yesterday?”

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gGj1oIfYmFMaIMlkarP4RqJksKtgD92EQ1SO0

making fun of smart people

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:01:37 GMT

    for an irredeemable son of a bitch, there’s absolutely nothing in this world more fun than making fun of another writer. especially one who makes a lot more money than i do. most especially, one who everybody thinks is so goddamned smart. and so, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction that i don my 20/20 hindsight goggles and snicker over susan “rhymes with estrogen, bitch!” estrich’s best-selling page-turner, “the case for hillary.” (i bought it at barnes and noble for a dollar.)
   susan estrich is smart. she’s a professor. she’s a professor at USC Law School. she was president of the harvard law review. according to her book-jacket biography, mizzzzz estrich “has been called one of the most influential intellectuals of the century.” which century, it doesn’t specify. as a lawyer, she represented leona helmsley (convicted), claus von bulow (convicted), and michael milken (convicted). notwithstanding her stellar legal career, mizzzz estrich is so smart she got a job on fox news. she’s so smart, in fact, she wrote a book that has the word “sex” in the title. so, naturally, when she wrote a book proving that hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton was going to win—1st, the democratic “party” nomination for president, then 2nd: the 2008 presidential election, millions of people (especially hillary) believed her.
   snicker. how could somebody so smart be so stupid? this is how:
   CHAPTER ONE “imagine a moment when a news anchor will say, based on all our projections, we can now say that the US of A has elected its first woman president.” instead of imagining a long, hard, campaign, the author seems to think that reality happens on tv. if katie couric announces it, it becomes true. this is how smart people get reputations for being hopeless dreamers. to make matters worse, the very next sentence is a return to a terrible reality of the past, fogged over with more imagination:
   “if you’re old enough, think back to how your felt in 1984, when you heard that walter mondale had picked geraldine ferraro to be his running mate.” if you were old enough to vote for ronald reagan, you were ecstatic. “remember what it was like when she stood up to accept the nomination.” remember what it was like when reagan won in a titanic landslide. oops, sorry. estrich’s book doesn’t actually remember that. maybe she’s too smart.
   “this [book] is an argument for that [imaginary night in 2008.] for what all of us have to do to make that happen.” good idea. but, again, the very next sentence: “the following people are not real.” too bad the voters are. after setting up two straw men to argue with, estrich goes on to—talk about herself.
   we’re on page three, and the “author of several books!” uses the word “I” eleven times. and this is a big-type, lots-of-space-between-the-lines book. jesus, lee iacocca wasn’t this self-centered, and he was writing about himself. somehow, she finds room to squeeze in some advice for hillary—get one step ahead of dick morris. “ dick is smart, but he can’t get over the fact that hillary outsmarted him.” one good way to lose an election is to overrate dick morris. ghw bush is ten times as smart as dick morris.
   then estrich laundry-lists hillary’s adjectives: “centrist, strong on security, family values (snicker), blah-blah-blah, managed by bill clinton . . .” another mistake is to overrate bill clinton. he didn’t beat bush. ross perot did.
   by page five, we’re hip-waders deep in an orgy of name-dropping that would make dick cavett blush. it’s a yarn about being on the campaign trail with dukakis (“remember how you felt when you saw him riding around in an open-top convertible tank . . .”) and about how dukakis would have won if he’d only listened to george stephanopoulos and bill clinton—and susan estrich.
   okay, so now we’re going to hear from madame expert on how hillary will do what dukakis didn’t do—win. step one: tell a story reminding your readers what a horrible embarassment to the female race hillary’s husband was. “so when bill got in trouble—with gennifer, and paula, and all of that—” and all of their soiled dry-cleaning “—i did my best to defend him.” including calling other women liars and trailer trash. those “women who didn’t quite get [hillary].” the ones who didn’t vote for her on that imaginary night from paragraph one.
   on page eight, estrich sums up billary and women voters in a nutshell—a narcissistic, name-dropping nutshell. “i’ve never been as close with hillary as with bill.” bingo. except, this isn’t a book about how hillary is going to lose; it’s supposed to be a book about how hillary is going to win. a book about “what all of us have to do to make that happen.” a book that proceeds to tell us instead how cozy the “author” was with bill. “when i spent time at the white house . . . i was talking with him, not her . . . when my family and i stayed overnight, she was out to dinner . . . he had dinner with my family, put my children to bed, and stayed up talking with me until two in the morning. when i attended dinners at the white house, i sat with him. i danced with him. he used to call me on the phone . . . ” he used to show me his cigar collection and how to get stubborn stains out of prom dresses. all in a book which is supposed to show how hillary is going to win in 2008.
   “the right is very afraid of hillary rodham clinton.” so afraid, that millions of rush limbaugh fans voted for her in the democratic primaries. “she has transcended the rude comments and partisan character assassination attempts.” so transcendant, she took a few cheap shots at obama’s race, his family, and his record as a community organizer. no matter how badly each one boomeranged on her. the magic of bill clinton’s management, no doubt. but then, the whopper of whoppers: “she is the best fund-raiser in the party, the most charismatic candidate, the front-runner, a centrist, and a woman.” words that described the nominee, all right. good call, susan. “as one of her friends [no name dropped, for some reason. snicker.] said to me, she has become the woman she would have been without bill.” geraldine ferraro.
   like that other political genius from new york who failed to become president of the united states, mario cuomo, hillary and her friends were mesmerized by her “win” in new york. if she could make it there, then gosharoonie, she could make it anywhere. “clearly, something very significant has happened there.” a rich carpetbagger with a famous name has become senator. “you don’t move up thirty points—that just doesn’t happen.” does it, barack?
   “if she can begin to do nationally what she has done in new york . . . and there is polling evidence to suggest that she has.” another enormous mistake you can make in the polling business is to believe polls. ask that other dukakis from dukakis-land, john forbes kerry. “i saw one poll, of political insiders, that was full of smart insights.” smart insights like, “why am i writing now?” maybe it’s to talk about herself “as a woman who has spent a lifetime in these trenches.” instant tenure at harvard. tenure at usc. tenure at fox news. tenure at the new york times list of best sellers. tenure at bill clinton’s two am gab fests. her advice, from the trenches? “there will be time enough for orlando and ohio, starting a year or so from now.” take all the time you need, sweetheart.
   another smart insight, from page 12: “the talk among the women who don’t get hillary, or don’t understand why she didn’t leave bill, [good question. no answer to be found in this smartest of all possible books. but a good question] feeds perfectly into what the right is doing.” namely, pointing out that hillary is not necessarily their idea of a role model for their daughters. now susie, just because the first woman president in history crawled on her belly and ate bucket after bucket of dog shit on sixty minutes year after year just to get elected, does not mean that you have to. “the left doesn’t understand; the right explains that there’s nothing to understand if she’s just a phony.” in other words, according to professor estrich, the problem isn’t the candidate, it’s the voters. they’re too stupid and mean and stupid and venal and stupid to vote for the candidate we smart people tell them to vote for. this is the mistake the democrats have been making for 40 years. "vote for me, stupid!"
   we know mizzzzzz estrich is smart. she keeps telling us. “no one on the clinton team asked me to write this book, and no one who is currently working for hillary helped me do it.” she’s a big girl, and a tenured professor and fox news talking head. she doesn’t have to listen to anybody. “sorry guys, but who do you think harry reid is really listening to?” his constituents, that's who. the ones who voted for obama. politicians like harry reid don't have tenure. they have to listen to the voters, no matter how stupid professor estrich thinks they are.
   hillary is smart, too. she picked smart people—all women—to run her campaign. women like “tamera luzzato, a [hand-me-down] chief of staff to senator jay rockefeller . . . hillary has one of the best offices on capitol hill . . . this is a credit to both her and tamera.” mostly tamera. one of the biggest mistakes you can make in politics is to overrate hillary clinton. no one ever paid any attention, until it was faaaaaaar too late, to the fact that hillary’s resume of “experience” had one titanic hole in it—she has never, ever actually RUN anything, anything at all, bigger than a room full of people spilling dunkin donuts coffee all over insurance industry lobbying papers. and yet, estrich still seems to think that hillary is qualified to run a presidential campaign. estrich worked for both dukakis and billary vol 1, so she should know better. maybe she’s too smart. maybe only an idiot, a retard, an imbecile can see that a genius like susan estrich can be absolutely, completely, and utterly wrong about a subject she has spent her entire career on.
   and boy, was she wrong. i won’t spoil any more of the book for you. trust me, there’s a snicker in every paragraph. but how could somebody so smart be THIS wrong? was she lying? “... this is why i love polls. they never lie. they leave that to the people who read them.” the polls she refers to, of course, were the polls that showed hillary had higher “negatives” (look it up. it’s good for you) than dubya. the ones that were dead right about her electability: close—but no cigar. snicker.

edwards hooks up, obama looks up, chelsea fooks up

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:02:04 GMT

1. john “babydaddy” edwards kissed reille “reveille” hunter goodnght in the beverly hilton. then he kissed obama’s veep cheek goodbye in the louvre mens room. then an irredeemable son of a bitch snickered so hard that a “post” appeared on his “blog.”

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,391426,00.html

2. barack “when irish eyes are smiling” obama, touring iraq, reiterated his commitment to ending the u.s. military intervention there as soon as reasonably possible. he responded to military and political leaders who point out that sectarian violence is down somewhat, that there have been sort-of-free elections, that the iraqi army hasn’t been totally defeated in battle for several days now. “so? who the fuck cares? haul down the flag, pack up your gameboys, and let’s go home where we belong. or afghanistan.”

3. former “president” bill “support rhymes with endorse. sort of” clinton, campaigning for his wife in india, flushed more american jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart. “as a big favor to everyone outside the u.s., i have used my foreign business connections to enable indian and chinese pharmas to make cheap knock-offs of u.s.-patented drugs to fight global malaria. but tylenol still costs american hospital patients 6 bucks a pop. that’ll teach ya.”

4. The Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed went back to her “job” on Wall Street. Stocks plummeted 800 points. Starbucks closed 600 stores. IndyMac went belly up. and brett favre “came” out of retirement.

5. “presidential” candidate john “i bombed those bastards back to the stone age and all i got was this lousy Billary in ‘08 T-shirt” mccain woke up from his nap long enough to scoop up an endorsement from trent “i put the con in neocon” lott. “i remember john coming to my defense when dubya chopped me off at the knees. john’s a true conservative. he makes hillary look like a liberal.” then he kissed mccain good night. then he helped lieberman tuck him in. then he and lieberman tip-toed across the street to share a farewell starbucks mocha latte at store number 597.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25778464/

7. professor randy “you’ve got just long enough to live to write a monster bestseller” pausch died. several years behind schedule. only an irredeemable son of a bitch could snicker about that.

8. amazon.com (motto: “the microsoft of wal-marts!”) sold another kindle portable ebook reader, “doubling sales in just eight months,” according to company founder jeff “i saw willy wonka like, 73 times. but i don’t like chocolate. so . . .” bezos. “we now have over 135,000 titles available for download. and customer number two was looking long and hard at The Last Lecture.”

hillary speculates, obama matriculates, mccain abdicates

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:06:20 GMT

it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a capri pants suit is on the phone. “hello, national rifle association? do you know where i could buy some flibbertijibbet-penetrating shells?”

1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they give another speech on a college campus” obama, filling in for ted “why can’t any of us just die in our sleep?” kennedy, gave a speech at a wesleyan (motto: “we put the w in w.a.s.p.”) university commencement ceremonies promising to double the peace corps. “look at the bang-up job the peace corps has done in places like africa and mongolia. we could do the same thing in iraq. or ohio!”

http://www.courant.com/news/local/mr/middletown/hc-26075857.apds.m0871.bc-ct--obammay26,0,2201553.story

2. hillary “the check’s in the mail, the shot’s in the beer, and the nomination’s in the bag” clinton, campaigning in puerto rico (motto: “you can’t vote for president, but you can vote for the next best thing!”) over the weekend, changed her pants suit for a pair of pants. then she “explained” her hints about the rfk assassination. again. “i wasn’t suggesting to any crazed, fanatical supporters of mine—and let’s face it, some of my supporters are pretty crazy. just look at rush limbaugh—that i wanted them to go out and shoot any uppity you-know-whats who think they’re so big and so smart and so handsome. no, i was merely pointing out the historical fact that the world is full of crazy people who have nothing better to do with their lonely, embittered lives than to take pot shots at the kind of people no one wants creeping around the house at 3 am, looking for white girls to rape and nominations to steal. i wasn’t suggesting that i wanted anyone to do this. i was just suggesting it would really help me out if they did. it’s not like i’m asking for anybody to vince foster themselves on my behalf. besides, i hear hinckley has a nice padded cell with a tv and everything.”

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/clinton-sheds-p.html

3. “republican” president john “the son of admirals, and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain, who went from denouncing the war in iraq to declaring victory since his endorsement by george “the w stands for wowee” bush, challenged obama to a surrendering contest in iraq. “we’re winning. casualties have plummeted from 800 a year to 799. gasoline has gone from an economy-wrecking $1.89 a gallon to a painless $4.00. a free and independent government of iraq can cave into al-sadr any time it wants to. of course, i’m sick at heart over mistakes made early in the war. mistakes like, starting it. mistakes like, sending over 4,000 american troops into a roadside meat grinder. mistakes like, letting american soldiers live in filthy dog kennels and giving them worse medical care than i got as a pow in vietnam. mistakes like, holding the american people and their children hostage to a bumper sticker slogan. but things are going so great now, i’d recommend staying another hundred years!” then “tailunner joe” lieberman tossed him a scooby snack. then he tucked mccain into bed and read him a story. “goldilocks and the three israeli lobbyists flush america down a chinese toilet at wal-mart.” then he kissed him goodnight. then he asked dick “dick” cheney “what are your orders, sir?” then he saluted. then he gave jimmy carter a dirty look. then he went to the lobby of the national bank of israel to use the cash machine.

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/26/mccain-blasts-obama-for-not-visiting-iraq-since-06-challenging-joint-trip/

4. former “president” jimmy “i won a nobel peace prize before they started handing them out like free condoms at a california gay wedding reception” carter, who taught joe “loyal as a cat” lieberman everything he knows about caving into israeli lobbyists, accused the totally legal, if not totally ethical, state of israel of possessing 150 nuclear weapons. then he vowed to do for mideast peace what he did for peanut butter and democratic presidential politics. “that stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. and by the way, where’s my oscar?”

http://rawstory.com/news/2008/Fox_Carter_mention_of_Israeli_nukes_0527.html

hillary one steps, obama two steps, texas backsteps

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:08:56 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a soiled pants suit, pounding boilermakers. “will no one rid me of this troublesome flibbertijibbet?”

1. texas officials, who never railroad anybody and prove it by releasing wrongly convicted prisoners every other week, have now admitted that they are jealous of how young many of the “girls” seized by swat teams from their homes last month appear, even though some of them are as old as 47. “it must be the homemade yogurt.” then they searched the fclds (motto: “you thought mormons were crazy”) compound. again. “we’re going to find something. somebody left the toilet seat up. somebody forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. somebody voted for barack obama. and when we find what we’re looking for, we’re going to do what we’re dying to do.” asked about the seeming fountain of youth possessed by the fclds women. “their foster families, under state supervision, have placed them on a normal texas diet of moon pies, marlboros, and mescal. they’ll be looking their age by christmas. and then the South’s gonna do It again!”

http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/21/1049578.aspx

2. “tailgunner joe” leiberman, who is so loyal to the democratic party that nominated him for vice-president in 2004 that he is now john mccain’s personal abassador to the state of isreali lobbyists, “explained” obama’s presidential candidacy at a very, very expensive dinner in new york. “you see, democratic party leaders have been kowtowing to the liberal voters of the party, instead of kowtowing to the isreali lobby like a good president should.” then he tossed mccain a scooby snack. then he said, “and look what that leads to—a flibbertijibbet running for president. oy vey!”

http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2008/05/lieberman_explains_obama_1.asp

3. jimmy “you see one giant swimming rabbit, you’ve seen them all” carter, who did not snicker when news broke that ted “has anybody seen my gal?” kennedy is dying from a brain tumor, doubted that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re two thousand miles from kentucky” obama would pick godzillary as his running mate. “i begged ted be my running mate in ‘76, but no, the selfish s.o.b. had to stay in the senate and swing that big gut of his around, busting up my presidency like a china shop. you know, i actually won a presidential election. where’s my lousy oscar?” then he started handing out souvenir t-shirts. “we’re running out of kennedys!”

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/21/carter-obama-clinton-ticket-unlikely/

4. hillary “give it your best shot” clinton, who is just a hearbeat away from the democratic party’s “nomination” for president, campaigned in south dakota, explaining why she’s still in the race. “i think people have short-barelled memories. hubert humphrey was a long shot away from the nomination until june of 1968—and then, bang! one kennedy, more or less. it’s just a shot in the dark, but i have a feeling, and i’m not the only one, that somebody’s looking at a certain uppity candidate through a scope right now, waiting for a silver bullet, some kind of bullseye, a sign from jodie foster. and let’s not forget all the subliminal advertising ricocheting around time magazine and youtube these days. it’s a real helter skelter. there’s an old saying in politics—sic semper flibbertijibbets!”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/23/clinton.comments/index.html

5. president john mccain canceled a fundraiser in phoenix after being threatened with several hundred union protesters. “i don’t take campaign money, anyway. besides, lieberman’s friends have more money than god. besides, my wife has more money than god. besides, the republican party has more money than god. besides, i have more lobbyists in my car right now than hillary’s got popular votes.” then lieberman tucked him in and read him a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three lone gunmen set their sights on denver.” then he kissed him goodnight.

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/24/mccain-fundraiser-moved-amid-protest-threats/

6. intimates of “senator” ted “hold me closer, tiny dancer” kennedy are upbeat despite his prognosis of terminal brain cancer. “he’s only five or ten years older than mccain. besides, he’s survived things that killed ordinary secretaries. so we’re hopeful. besides, caroline can’t get us a good table at cheers.”

hillary lobs, obama knobs, mccain sobs

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:10:34 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone at nra headquarters is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a lavender pants suit. “i would gladly pay you tuesday for a hamburger job today. no, the first tuesday in november.”

1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they obliterate three pints of green tea-saffron low-fat frozen yogurt” obama, who now holds the majority of “elected” delegates in the “democratic” party’s race for presidential “nominee,” chickened out of declaring victory tuesday night. instead, he said the white house is now within reach. “we’re almost there,” he told a throbbing throng of thrilled supporters. “all we need now is a few million white votes, and we’re in like flynn.”

http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/05/21/politics/horserace/entry4112974.shtml

2. hillary “it’ll be over by february 5th” clinton vowed to fight on “until every single voter in the democratic party, and every single fan of rush limbaugh, is completely and utterly sick and tired of me.”

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/21/the-early-word-two-more-weeks/

3. chelsea clinton, who looks so much like her father it’s scary, vowed to continue ducking reporter’s questions “until this nomination fight is over, until every republican has been heard, until rush’s choice has been made clear.”

http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/15609.html

4. senator ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who has sandbagged each and every democratic nominee for president since 1972, endorsed obama earlier in the year, crippling early favorite hillary clinton, and is now going to upstage obama’s campaign with daily updates on his health. “obamamamananania may be sweeping the country, but this party’s all about the kennedys.”

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/story?id=4896380&page=1

5. president john mccain teared up when he heard that senator ted “take two sleeping pills and call the highway patrol in the morning” kennedy has been diagnosed with a fatal brain tumor. “i’ll never, ever forget the day he kneecapped jimmy carter on behalf of my hero, ronald reagan. that was beautiful.” then vice president “tailgunner joe” lieberman dabbed his tears with a hanky. then he tucked him under the covers. then he read mccain a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three kennedys slip godzillary a flibbertijibbet.” then he kissed him goodnight.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2008/05/21/2008-05-21_news_of_ted_kennedys_illness_brings_roll.html

obama celebrates, hillary instigates, texas polygamates

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:13:21 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a red white and blue pants suit answers. “you have reached the guns’n’ammo’n’boilermakers hotline. if you know the name of the flibbertijibbet you wish to assassinate, press 1.”

1. the Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, campaigning for her “mother” in oregon declared, “my mom would make an even better president than my dad. let’s face it, britney spear’s mom would make an even better president than my dad. at least she’s not a flibbertijibbet.” then former “president” bill “just relax and let this happen” clinton took the microphone for a few hours. “i’m very proud of my daughter, who looks just like me. when my wife blamed chelsea (who “works” for avenue capital group on wall street) for bush’s recession, she left her job and joined the campaign. and the conomy’s already started to improve. imagine how great it would be if she moved back into amy’s treehouse behind the White’s house. i mean white house. heil hillary!”

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/19/bill-chelsea-clinton-stump-in-oregon-for-hillary/

2. hillary “the check is in the mail, along with a one-year subscription to guns’n’ammo’n’white people magazine” clinton, campaigning in kentucky, blasted “some folks who don’t want your votes to count. the way i didn’t want the votes in michigan and florida to count, until i started losing.” asked whether she was considering dropping out of the race, clinton cackled. “you don’t walk off the court until the buzzer sounds. who knows, you might get a three-point rifle shot in the end.” then she winked at huckleberry. then she winked at hinckley. then she winked at squeaky fromme. then she winked at puffy puff daddy pee diddy diddily piddily iddily. then she winked at someone behind a grassy knoll.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/mike-huckabee-o.html

3. president john mccain, after a late-night performance on SNL, took a long nap sunday. his right hand man, “tailgunner joe” lieberman, reassured the completely legal, totally ethical state of israel that “the president will never be too sleepy to obliterate, invade, or otherwise destroy any country the state of israel wants us to. and that includes america.” then he spoon fed mccain a pint of mint chocolate chip from lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, oregon. then he tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.

4. texas officials, who never railroad anybody, just released james lee woodward, a flibbertijibbet railroaded on charges of rape and murder 27 years ago. dna evidence finally cleared him. “we’re waiting on dna tests to come back on those polygamist babies. cross your fingers!” then they admitted that another “underage” poly mother turned out to be an adult. then they admitted that texas lost the civil war. “but we’re going to do it again!”

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iIdMpRHjN4hpNKBhfYyAsR4DDo4QD90N2T8G0

5. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’ve taken a few hits in the press room” o’bama, without declaring victory in the “democratic” party nomination contest, declared victory before a crowd of 80,000 people in oregon. then he gave a shout out to bill “what have you done for me lately” richardson. then he gave a shout out to ted “it’s my party, and i’ll sandbag who i want to” kennedy. then he gave a shout out to george “thanks for the memories” mcgovern. then he gave a shout out to oprah “bros before hos” winfrey. then he gave a shout out to bob “banana splits” barr. then he obliterated lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, orgeon. then he obliterated prince puckler’s.

http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/05/18/obama-holds-huge-rally-in-oregon/?mod=WSJBlog

hillary fades, obama raids, china degrades

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:16:06 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in a pants suit and bifocals, pounding boilermakers. “it’s my party, and i’ll cry if i want to.”

1. the chinese government (motto: “you see one tibetan peasant grease the tracks of a type 98 tank, you’ve seen them all”) have become so paranoid about western journalists “lying” about them that they now forbid foreign media from covering even humanitarian efforts in earthquake ravaged areas. “confucius say, turn off your chinese-made cameras and chinese-made microphones and chinese-made iphones and chinese-made laptops and go back home and buy more chinese-made reeboks and chinese-made levis and chinese-made iphones. and don’t come back for the olympics, either. chinese-edited versions of olympic broadcasts will be available on pirated dvd’s in gip joints everywhere.” then they bought hillary’s presidential campaign for twenty yuan on the dollar. then they bought mccain’s campaign for 19 yuan on the dollar. then they bought cindy mccain’s tax returns for 18 yuan on the dollar. then they bought walmart with al gore’s nobel prize money.

photo copyright 2006 tommy jonq all rights reserved

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/16/1030551.aspx

2. friday, secretary of the “treasury” (motto: “the check is in the mail”) henry paulson predicted that the u.s. economy would recover by the end of the year. “just as soon as it bottoms out.” then he announced plans to visit oil-wealthy mideast countries that despise america’s support for the perfectly legal if so-so eithical state of israeli lobbyists, to promote america’s open investment policy. “we’ll take whatever they’ve got. spare change. left over hillary campaign iou’s. anything.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUSN1643918320080516

3. godzillary, desperately trying not become john edwards, launched a new ad campaign financed with food stamps and loose cigarettes. then she accused “president” bush of making accusations. “president bush's comparison of any democrat to nazi appeasers is both offensive and outrageous on the face of it, especially in light of his failures in foreign policy. he has repeatedly failed to appease anybody. besides, there are very clear differences between republicans and democrats on foreign policy. the republicans have too much and the democrats don’t have any. for example, just because i’m publicly opposed to a new free trade deal with colombia does not mean that my husband can’t make $800,000 dollars lobbying for it.” then she obliterated the iranian olympic ballroom dancing team for not kissing the chinese flag properly. then she bought a uranium mine in kazakhstan. “i just loved borat.” then she obliterated a nick of Colombian Gold. then she sold a busload of texas polygamist babies to wal-mart for bus fare to denver. “nuggets-ville or bust!”

http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/archive/2008/05/16/clinton-s-classy-exit-strategy.aspx

4. the Old Kids On the Block are back, ready or not. care or not. “it was surreal at first” jordan knight said about their first rehearsal last week. “of course, it was surreal the lst time around. but you have not lived until you’ve seen 5 homer simpsons line dancing in front of a crowd of thousands of screaming marge simpsons.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24635510/

5. george “it takes two to make a landslide” mcgovern, the latest in a long, long line of democratic party presidential election losers to endorse barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re taking a few hits in the press room” o’bama, explained that “when i endorsed hillary—as payback for her and bill’s “support” in my own 1972 campaign—my kids, my grandkids, nieces, nephews, and their friends all enlisted in the obama campaign. it just goes to show i don’t have any more support among young people now than i did in 1972.” obama thanked mccgovern and then looked forward “to the day when a winner from the democratic party endorses my campaign.” then he looked longingly at jimmy carter. then he looked longingly at bill clinton. then he looked longingly at al gore’s oscar.

http://blogs.reuters.com/trail08/2008/05/16/mcgovern-reveals-real-reason-for-obama-endorsement-switch/

obama kisses clinton goodbye, lieberman kisses mccain goodnight

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:18:17 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a “woman” in bifocals and a rumpled pants suit answers. “if you drop out now, sweetie, i’ll make it worth your while.”

1. the Gutless Wonder, who helped john “meet my nazi wife” kerry manage to somehow lose the 2004 election (to an incumbent “president” who has shattered all records for un-approval ratings,) and who finished third in his own state in his own party this time around, finally peeked out from behind mama’s apron long enough to jump on the o’bama o’bandwagon, giving the Handsome Devil a dozen or two delegates that long ago ceased to matter to anyone. hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton was unimpressed. “you’re going to have godzillary to kick around for a long, long time. i haven’t even begun to kneecap the flibbertijibbet.” then she winked at “reverend” jeremiah whight. then she winked at geraldine “in queens, we shoot first and ask who’s a flibbertijibbet later” ferarro. then she winked at tony “some of my best friends are under indictment for being friends of the ‘rack” rezko. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at ed “jews for jesus. and hillary” rendell. then she winked at “tailgunner joe” lieberman. then she winked at john “with endorsers like hillary, who needs bob barr?” mccain. then she obliterated a texas polygamist compound in iran.

2. barack “when irsh eyes are smiling they call everybody sweetie” o’bama, who is running for the democratic “party” nomination for president for some reason that no intelligent person can fathom, apologized for not answering a tv reporter’s question in michigan. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he bought 17,328 boxes of cookies from a michigan girl scout.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355758,00.html
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/14/obama-hold-on-sweetie/#comment-1004478

3. iranian president ahmadenijad vowed that “israel is facing death and annhilation. no, really. i mean it. don’t laugh.” then he annhilated a five-pound can of caviar. then he annhilated a ten-pound bag of pistachios. the real ones, not the spray-painted ones you see in the “grocery” stores over here. then he annhilated a schoolbus full of iraqi schoolchildren. then he fedexed obama a case of pomegranate-saffron syrup and a recipe for low-carb falafels, along with a hallahmark card congratulating him on landing edward’s endorsement. “death to infidels, sweetie!”

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355599,00.html

4. president john mccain, unconcerned about an obama attempt to unseat him in the fall elections, declared that the war in iraq “could be over in four years.” then “tailgunner” joe lieberman (whose 2004 running mate, al “where’s my oscar polish?” gore, managed to lose the election—somehow) gently whispered in mccain’s ear that the iraq war has already gone on for more than five years. “i meant a hundred.” then he dozed off. then lieberman tucked him and kissed him good night. then he sent an israeli hit squad after bob barr.

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/15/1024578.aspx

hillary trounces, barack bounces, texas flounces

tommy jonq — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:21:08 GMT

it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit is on the phone, and she won’t hang up. “for your generous donation of 2,500 dollars, you get a four-year subscription to Blowin’ It magazine. heil hillary!”

1. senator and former “presidential” hopeful ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who owns a very expensive yacht, hinted on monday that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, but not nominated” obama should pick someone slightly less rat-gagging than hillary “some of my best friends are endorsing obama” clinton. “i would hope that obama would also give consideration to somebody that is in tune with the nobler aspirations of the american people. aspirations like, winning a presidential election for a change instead of kneecapping fellow democrats, like bobby did to johnson and i did to mcgovern and carter. especially carter. you remember carter. he couldn’t get a law passed against farting in church. for some reason.” then he winked at bob barr.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/kennedy-on-obam.html

2. godzillary “won” the west virginia (motto: “serving jack daniels to underage ohio kids since the civil war”) democratic primary by a huge margin that could not possibly matter less. “if you think about how the patriots won most of the superbowl, it sort of makes sense that i have won most of the nomination. if you think about how the patriots were undefeated until the superbowl, if you include the games they cheated in, then it sort of makes sense that i have won all the primaries i have cheated in. if you think about how the patriots are married to an intern-spitzering scumbag and have a shovel-ugly daughter who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, then it sort of makes sense that i have no reason to live if i can’t be president.”

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/hillaryclintonw.html

3. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they stay the hell out of west virginia” obama, who is seeking to defeat incumbent president john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain in the november elections, congratulated hillary clinton “on her absolutely meaningless win in west virginia.” then he offered her the vice-presidency. “of loserville, usa. population: hubert “if mcgovern is still alive, then i’m still alive” humphrey, george “if nancy reagan is still alive, then i’m still alive” mcgovern, michael “if gary hart is still allowed to attend democratic party meetings, then i am still allowed to attend democratic party meetings” dukakis, john “al got an oscar and a nobel. where’s my oscar? where’s my nobel?" kerry, al “winning isn’t everything, not when you’re up for an emmy” gore, and jimmy “you know what’s worse than losing? winning, that’s what” carter.” then he flipped her the bird. then he winked at kennedy. then he winked at richardson. then he winked at reich. then he winked at the colombian trade minister. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he obliterated a double stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.

http://donklephant.com/2008/01/27/caroline-kennedy-obama-jfk/

4. texas (motto: “we won our independence from mexico, so we didn’t really need to win our independence from america to prove how butch we are”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, today continued their efforts to seize custody of an ultra-way-out, superduper-mormon baby born april 29 to a woman who is not, after all, a minor. “we want the child anyway. it’s ridiculous to think of letting parents raise their own children. besides, these people aren’t even baptists. besides, they don’t even drink beer. besides, they don’t even shoot guns. besides, they don’t even lynch flibbertijibbets or drag them behind their pickup trucks. besides, some of these children have never even seen a confederate flag. and they sure as shootin’ don’t know where to cut the eye holes on a bed sheet. besides, the south’s going to do it again.” texas officials declined to say who’s next.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355504,00.html

5. you must see:

obama winning, hillary skinning, mccain spinning

tommy jonq — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 12:05:52 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a rumpled pants suit. “tell that irredeemable son of a bitch to quit goofing off and start blogging again. heil hillary!”

the readers have made their choice loud and clear: they wouldn’t read my other blog if godzillary herself threatened to eat their children. so it’s back to politiqs—with many, many thanks. remember: if we can laugh at the bastards, then they can’t hurt us. much.

1. hillary “the bear is dead, but she won’t lie down” clinton, who has no chance of winning either the democratic “party” nomination or the presidency, is leading barack “when irish eyes are smiling in chicago. but not gary” obama by whopping margins in west virginia and kentucky anyway. she’s out of money. she’s out of “friends.” she’s out of her mind. but she knows that staying in the race is worth a shot. “in the event that the presumptive nominee should be unable to fulfill his duties, either for reasons of health or a lone gunman on a grassy knoll, i’ll be there. with a vengeance.” then she winked at rev jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight. then she winked at louis “with a semi-black man in the white house, i’ll have no reason to complain” farakkhan. then she winked at al “if i can’t be the first more or less black president, then i’ll start another race riot in queens” sharpton. then she winked at geraldine “i’ll stand behind the nominee like i stood behind mondale” ferarro. then she winked at mark “what’s good for colombia trade deals is good for my other clients, too” penn. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at bill “mrs jones you’ve got a lovely daughter” clinton. then her eye swelled shut.

http://www.fayettetribune.com/local/local_story_133121113.html

2. barack “if this was a real political party, i’d be the nominee by now” obama, who foolishly believed that the “democratic” party could actually get its shit together for once, has now raised more money than eliot spitzer could spend in three weeks. he has more delegates, more superdelegates, more superduperdelegates, and more celebrity and political endorsements than all other candidates combined, republican or democrat. he is the darling of the foreign press. women swoon at his approach. his only obstacle now: the majority of “democrats” wouldn’t vote for a black person for president if jesus christ himself put a gun to their sunday school teacher’s head and threatened to smite the jack daniels distillery with the wrath of god.

http://news.mainetoday.com/updates/026894.html

3. president john mccain, who wouldn’t know the difference between a muslim terrorist and an isreali lobbyist if jesus christ himself drew a picture on “tailgunner joe” lieberman’s ass, offered to debate theoretical democratic nominee barack “why would anyone with a harvard education and my looks and charm join such an idiotic mob of self-defeating yahoos, anyway?” obama one-on-one, with no moderators. “and three scheduled nap breaks. and one unscheduled.” then he thanked hillary for her endorsement. then he thanked bill. then he thanked geraldine. then he thanked “reverend” whight. then he thanked george “i owe everything to billary” stephanopoulos. then he thanked sean “i taught stepho everything he knows about tv journalism” hannity. then he thanked hamas. then joe nudged him. then he dozed off.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-pope/where-in-the-world-is-joh_b_101417.html

4. the ruling junta (rhymes with “hookah) of myanmar (motto: “the artist formally known as burma, until we got tired of selling shaving cream”) refused to allow international aid workers to enter the country and help save what’s left of the survivors of last week’s cyclone. “president mccain’s advisors said not to do anything until he wakes up.”

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/12/campaign-advisers-quite-over-foreign-links-meetings/

5. you must see:

hillary closes the gap

tommy jonq — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:53:23 GMT

it's 3 am. turn out the lights. the party’s over.

1. break out the budweiser and the squirrel guns—the Great White Hope is set to finish off the Flibbertijibbet, once and for all, on tuesday. the “democrats,” who haven’t gotten 50 percent of the vote in a presidential election since 1964, won’t get fifty percent of the vote in november, either. whitezillary is not just polishing the silver with obama’s ass, she’s reminding—with a bitter, shrieking vengeance—all those voters who got excited over obama why they weren’t “democrats” in the first place. and they will remember—with a vengeance—in november. it’s enough to make an irredeemable son of a bitch run out and join the green party. so he did.

2. barack “why the fuck did i ever think this mob of unemployed, beer-guzzling, lesbian-aborting, whale-worshipping, shotgun-kissing rednecked losers could possibly get their shit together for once, anyway?” obama, who is still running for the nomination of the democratic (motto: “we can lose any election, any time, any place”) party like it matters any more, stubbornly refuses to get into the gutter with the former first “lady,” no matter how many cojones james carville says she has. “if you really, really want a hatchet-wielding, daughter-pimping, race-baiting, pathological liar to flush what’s left of your jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart, she’s standing over there, next to the Dateless Wonder and the Thing That Can’t Keep His Hands Off Your Daughter.”

3. “reverend” jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight, whose new mansion cost a lot more than thirty pieces of silver, celebrated whitezillary’s victory all week. “let this be a lesson to all you young african-americans out there: don’t get too uppity.” then he winked at geraldine “niggers have it easy” ferarro. then he winked at mark “i told you spics won’t vote for a nigger” penn. then he winked at ed “wops wouldn’t vote for a nigger if you flushed every last one of their jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart” rendell. then he winked at evan “polacks and coon asses wouldn’t vote for a nigger if jesus christ himself climbed down from the bloody cross and begged them to do it” bayh. then he winked at harold “do you really want a nigger in the White house at 3 am?” ickes. then he winked at maggie “no one would ever suspect a black woman of kneecapping a nigger. would they?” williams. then he winked at sean “jesus, if i’d known they’d kneecap their own niggers, i wouldn’t have bothered showing stephanopoulos how to do it” hannity. then he winked at bill “the first—and last—nigger president” clinton. then he winked at george “a lot of black people voted for me in 2004. and now you know why” bush. then “reverend” whight kissed dick cheney on the lips. then he got into bed. then an irredeemable son of a bitch ran out and joined the green party.

4. john “if anybody’s whiter than hillary, it’s me” mccain cruised through another week of the “democratic” party’s suicide orgy unscathed. not even an endorsement from dubya can stop him now. winners, unlike losers, learn from past mistakes. bill “if anybody needs me, i’ll be spitzering on your daughter’s prom dress” clinton “won” two presidential elections by splitting the republicans with a flakey third party candidate. so this time, the republicans have simply nominated the flake and eliminated the middle man. game over.

5. starting tuesday. or maybe wednesday (i have real “papers” to write for): it’s back to “the daily jonq,” where an irredeemable son of a bitch belongs. thanks for reading. i hope you got a laugh out of the dog’s breakfast of ass clowns we call american democracy. now it’s time to laugh at the rest of america’s ass clowns.

6. by popular demand (startling demand, in fact) i'm sticking with politiqs by jonq. just remember: you asked for it. and thanks.

hillary pounds a bud, obama pounds a bud, liz pounds bud after bud after bud

tommy jonq — Sat, 03 May 2008 11:36:48 GMT

it’s 3 am. the telephone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit answers. “this is the texas polygamists club. could you please come and pick up your husband?”

1. texas (motto: “take my wives. please!”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, are taking dna samples from hundreds of superduper, ultar-far-out-there mormon children rounded up en masse last month, to see if any of them have parents. “the evidence isn’t in. yet. but we suspect that some of these children may be clones, or possibly cyborgs. we may have to round up a few hundred catholic children or lutheran children or flibbertijibbet children for comparison purposes. maybe a few thousand.”

2. chelsea “seen but not heard. or believed” clinton, who does not look a thing like web hubbell, spoke out against a high court ruling that allows for laws requiring voters to present photo id’s. “the photo id system is unreliable. three times, i’ve gone to get a photo id, and every time, the camera broke down.”

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/02/voter-fraud-watch-could-acorn-scandal-in-washington-have-been-avoided-with-photo-id/

3. “actress” and polygamist elizabeth “i never met a man i didn’t marry” taylor, who could certainly teach hillary “i never even met web hubbell, let alone slept with him, before chelsea was born” clinton a thing or two about divorce, today endorsed hillary for president. “she’s not a flibbertijibbet. ferarro knows what i mean.” then she winked at bill. then she winked at mccain. then she winked at lieberman. then she winked at lindsey graham. then she winked at gore, kerrry, bush, bush, mondale, carter, hart, cheney, and kennedy. then she winked at chelsea’s on-again, off-again boyfriend evan strange.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/02/elizabeth-taylor-urges-primary-voters-to-back-clinton/

4. in terre haute (translation: “the high ground.” go ahead and snicker. trust me.) indiana, barack “the flibbertijibbet” obama, who is running for president for some reason, spent the day trying to connect with small town indiana voters. “meet my typical white family.” then he threw a can of bud at a big screen tv showing highlights from rev jeremiah “what are friends for?” wright’s latest “sermon.” then he threw a can of pomegranate-saffron pancake syrup at a big screen tv showing highlights from indiana “senator” evan bayh’s latest makeout session with mccain’s hot blonde lobbyist “friend.” then he took a couple of hits in the press room. then he obliterated a 16-inch low-carb “royal feast” pizza from pizza king. then he obliterated a dozen square donuts from square donuts. then he obliterated a triple meat taco platter from taco casita. then he obliterated a bus full of reporters and bloggers.

http://www.pizzakingindiana.com/menu.asp
http://www.hollyeats.com/SquareDonut.htm
http://specials.tribstar.com/terrehautestop40/stories/square.html

5. stung by the defection of joe “what have you done for me lately?” andrew, hillary “fish or cut bait. or cut monica” clinton dug up a few old dnc party chairmen of her own to wheel in front of the voters. “ken kurtis was chairman of this party when jimmy carter was swimming with giant rabbits and committing mondale in his heart. ken was chairman of this party when billy was pounding the boilermakers and miss lillian was turning down the thermostat. ken was chairman of this party when amy, not chelsea, was the Dateless Wonder Who Could Stop a Clock.”

http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/05/clinton-to-obama-ill-see-your.html

hillary pounds her pansy, obama scoops her mansy

tommy jonq — Thu, 01 May 2008 23:31:55 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in a pants suit and bifocals. “i’m calling to let you know about a special indiana fundraising raffle . first prize is a date with chelsea. second prize is two dates.”

1. texas authorities, who never railroad anybody, announced that a few of the fclds children rounded up en masse do indeed show signs of having been abused or injured in the past. “better that 400 children be ripped from their families and dumped on an already over-taxed foster care system than one prosecutor go to court and get a warrant based on real evidence. besides, we peeked at their diaries, and if you read them with a dirty mind, like we do, then they suggest that some of the boys may have been sexually abused. they also may have been exposed to the color red. also, they may have seen rosie o’donnell on the view.” one boy’s “private” diary revealed a particularly tragic story. “we think he may have seen chelsea without the bag over her head.” x-rays showed that at least 41 children out of more than 400 had suffered broken bones. “they may have fallen off playground swings. or they may have been beaten with texas rangers official baseball bats as part of some unimaginably bizarre, non-baptist religious ritual. at this point, we’re just guessing. we don’t have any evidence of any kind about many of the children, so in the name of public, non-mormon safety, we feel the prudent thing to do is to keep peddling as much cheap, unsbstantiated rumor and innuendo as possible until we find what we’re looking for.” then they snatched a newborn baby.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24388249/

2. on the way out the door in 1999, billary, whom shakespeare called, “the beast with two assholes,” appointed joe andrew chairman of the democratic national committee. on thursday, andrew endorsed obama. “many will ask, why now? when hillary seemed just about to win? when she and her “husband” need their “friends” the most? when they least expect it? the simple answer is, shits and giggles.” then he winked at barack “winning isn’t everything” obama. then he winked at bill “judas is as judas does” richardson. then he winked at ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy. then he winked at gabriel “some of my best friends used to be friends of bill” guerra-mondragon. then he winked at bob “when irish eyes are smiling” casey. then he winked at dick “dick” morris. then dick winked back.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/01/campaign.wrap/

3. north carolina (motto: “just one step behind south carolina”) governor mike “3 am” easley endorsed hillary “italian stallion” clinton for democratic “nominee” for president. “i’ve been accused of being an irredeemable son of a bitch, but this lady right here makes rocky balboa look like a pansy. she also makes bill look like a pansy. she also makes lindsey graham look like a pansy. she also makes democrats look like racist, beer-guzzling, gun-polishing neanderthals. she also makes america look like a mud-wrestling sink hole. but for some reason she can't make chelsea look like bill.”

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/04/north-carolina.html

4. campaigning in indiana, bill “just relax and let it happen” clinton wore a black armband in memory of dc madam deborah jeane palfrey, who recently vince fostered herself in her mother’s house. “in addition, all of chelsea’s pimps will be flying their lapel pins at half mast.” does he think his “wife” can really beat obama by august? “it’s worth a shot.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/01/dc.madam/index.html

the obama basher, the hillary hasher, and the montana flasher

tommy jonq — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:01:46 GMT

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in a pants suit and bifocals answers. “this is vanity fair. thank you for the lovely pictures of chelsea. unfortunately, we cannot see any resemblance to web hubbell.”

1. miley “one goofy name deserves another” cyrus, aka “hannah montana,” aka “the montana flasher,” aka “spitzer’s next girl,” accidentally posed nude for vanity fair last week. then she accidentally posed nude for playboy this week. next week, she’s scheduled to accidentally pose nude for penthouse. “i’m only gong to be a child star for another few months. after that, i’ve got 25 or thiry years to go in my career.” her “father,” billy ray “one hit wonder” cyrus, who is not a texas polygamist, defended the photos. “it’s not like she’s some kid exploited by the disney meat grinder. it’s not like she’s an olsen twin. it’s not like she’s jamie lynn spears. oh, wait, i guess she is like jamie lynn spears.”

http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSN2641449020080430?pageNumber=2&virtualBrandChannel=0&sp=true

2. pat buchanan, who used to work as a ball-polisher at richard nixon’s private white house bowling alley, compared hillary to nixon. “the difference between richard nixon and hillary clinton is, nixon had greatness in his grasp. hillary has obama’s grape-nuts in her grasp.”

3. barack “get under the bus. and stay there” obama finally cut himself loose from “rev” jeremiah wright and his incessant rants. “after i refused to throw him under the bus, after i went on youtube and defended the goofy bastard, him and my crazy grandmother, after i told ferarro to just shut up and eat her rice-a-roni, after i flipped hillary the bird, he just had take center stage and make a lot of crazy accusations that nobody believes. like web hubbell is chelsea’s daughter. she looks nothing like him.” then he flipped hillary the bird again. then he inhaled. then he ate a stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/04/29/obama.wright/index.html

4. hillary “the first woman president since jimmy carter” clinton clawed her way to within 1 pont of barack “can i get a pancake?” obama in gallup’s national poll. then she clawed her way to within 1 point of lame duck george “the w stands for wow” bush. then she clawed her way to within 1 point of making the nba playoffs. then she clawed her way into 1 point of snatching monica completely bald. then “tailgunner joe” lieberman blew her a kiss. then she clawed her way to within one point of winning a boilermaker-drkinking contest in muncie.

http://donklephant.com/2008/04/29/gallup-hillary-holds-1-point-lead/

hillary obliterates, obama desiderates, mccain underrates

tommy jonq — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 08:10:12 GMT

it’s 3 am. godzillary’s dead, but she won’t lie down.

1. john “stand by your lieberman” mccain defended using his own plane on his campaign trips. “what we did was perfectly legal and appropriate.” it’s perfectly legal because of a law mccain supported, one which exempts family-owned planes from campaign finance laws requiring that campaigns pay the maximum rate for air transportation. the bill was intended to guarantee that no airline or company could give a candidate favorable treatment. “it’s just a lucky coincidence that i’m the only candidate in the race with his own family plane. besides, joe says it’s okay. besides, i’m a war hero. besides, some of my best friends own their own planes. besides, my wife can afford it. besides, it’s not like my wife gives me favorable treatment. you little jerk.” then “tailgunner joe” lieberman tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. then he read him a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three israeli lobbyists.” then mccain dozed off.

http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/archives/2008/04/mccain_saved_money_legally_on_charter_jets/

2. barack “of course i inhaled. that was the point” obama admitted that he had been under attack from his “fellow” democrat hillary “the check is in the mail. and so is a video of rev wright” clinton. how does he handle the attacks? “i’ve been taking some hits.” then he snickered. then he giggled. then he ate a stack of pancakes. then he ate a cheesesteak sandwich. then he ate a basket of cheese fries. then he ate a wedding cake. then he flipped liberman the bird. then hillary threatened to obliterate obama. then obama snickered. then she yanked the bag off chelsea’s head. then obama inhaled sharply. then lieberman snickered. then he high-fived hillary. then she obliterated a load of iranian “caviar.”

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/26/obama-ive-been-taking-some-hits/

3. jimmy “the first woman president” carter published a memoir about his close, firm, intimate, loving, tight, binding, engulfing, breath-taking relationship with his mother, “miss” lillian. “mama had five babies at once, none of them old enough to go to bed on their own.” the book does not mention when, if ever, jimmy learned to go to bed on his own. it does, however, reveal miss lillian’s fasninating family heritage. “she was the third cousin of jesse helms and sam nunn, the fourth cousin of elvis, the fifth cousin of george washington, the sixth cousin of queen elizabeth II, the seventh cousin of the dalai lama, the eight cousin of marie antoinette, and the ninth cousin of jesus christ. she was also the mother of president jimmy carter, the son of a bitch.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24338295/

4. hillary “one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer” clinton obliterated a stack of pancakes in terre haute (translation: “the high ground.” snicker, if you like.) then she obliterated a large order of cheese fries in south bend. then she obliterated a bucket of church’s chicken in indianapolis. then she obliterated a crockpot full of baked beans in gary. then she obliterated a triple decker plate of nachos with extra jalapenos and chipotles in muncie. then she obliterated three consecutive boilermakers in west lafayette. then she obliterated three purdue boilermakers. then she challenged barack “can i get a carb-free pancake?” obama to a razor fight on the back of a flatbed truck.

http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/04/27/politics/fromtheroad/entry4048810.shtml

chelsea defeats obama in gorging contest

tommy jonq — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 11:16:13 GMT

chelsea defeats obama in gorging contest

it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit answers. “this is the texas child welfare hotline. if you have seen the color red, press 1. if you have seen television or movies, press 2. if you have seen the glory of the coming of the state of texas, press 3. then get on the bus.”

1. non-partisan republican analyst stuart “magic bullet” rothenberg noted that gop terror of obama in the fall is fading. “we—i mean, they—thought hillary would be more beatable, and that obama might present a real challenge. but every day, it looks more and more like the democratic party is just naturally beatable in presidential elections. born losers, if you will.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/26/us/politics/26ticket.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&ref=politics&adxnnlx=1209237227-cEefTR4DRm8NSxGGL2iQyg

2. for months and months now, barack “when irish eyes are smiling through the tears” obama has been locked in a grueling contest with hillary “the check is in the mail. and so is chelsea’s husband” clinton to see who can eat the most pancakes and cheese fries. but the surprise front-runner: hillary’s “daughter,” chelsea, who looks nothing like web hubbell. at now-famous pat’s restaurant in philadelphia, manager tom francano bragged that, “chelsea said they were the best cheese fries she’d had in her life. she had to cut a bigger hole in the bag over her head just to eat them faster.” francano reassured reporters that no bystanders were injured during the feeding of chelsea. “everybody followed the clinton campaign’s safety instructions: 1. keep your hands and feet away from her mouth. 2. do not try to peek inside the eyeholes. 3. don’t ask her out. she could have a boyfriend if she wanted one. 4. don’t bother comparing her picture to web hubbell’s. you’re just wasting your time.”

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/politics/la-na-diners26apr26,1,4333766.story

3. doomed democratic frontrunner barack “the ghost of jimmy carter” obama slammed hillary “i never even heard of web hubbell” clinton this weekend. “what has hillary actually accomplished, except providing late-night comedians with endless material? if she’s such hot snot on health care reform, what’s taking her so long? if she’s such hot snot at playing commander in chief, why did she vote for cheney’s war over and over and over and over and over? if she’s such hot snot at international diplomacy, why did she threaten to obliterate certain countries that don’t donate money to israeli lobbying firms? if she’s such hot snot at job creation, why does her daughter have so much time on her hands?” then obama flipped hillary the bird. then oklahoma governor brad henry endorsed him. then tony lake endorsed him.

http://www.kten.com/Global/story.asp?S=8233221
http://www.newsobserver.com/politics/story/1051650.html

4. texas officials, who never railroad anybody, may have lost two of the hundreds of children kidnapped en masse from their families last week. “we are not aware of any children not accounted for. therefore, we have not lost any children. besides, any child not in the custody of texas officials does not exist.” then, texas child “welfare” officials issued a memo to state supervised caretakers, who apparently don’t know how to take care of children without specific, daily instructions from the state. “help them with self-esteem, guilty feelings, shame, confusion about mainstream culture, and learning basic decision making skills. decisions like, raising your own children, or donating them to the state of texas. decisions like, letting other people raise their own kids, or getting a warrant to kidnap them en masse without an investigation or any other due process.” the children, who were warehoused temporarily at a concentration camp set up in the san angelo coliseum, were trucked to various dumping grounds around the state. officials admitted that many children were sickened by the process. “some of them probably haven’t even ridden in a vehicle before,” said state trooper dial king. “some of them probably haven’t even seen their parents treated like nazi war criminals before.” some of their children had never seen the color red before. “that’s one of the elements of mainstream culture the state is going to expose these children to, whether their parents like it or not. jamie lynn spears wears red all the time. so does ellen degeneres. so does madonna. so does rosie o’donnell. so does ashley dupre.”

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,352755,00.html

5. “democratic” party (motto: we can lose any election, any time, any place”) officials issued a memo to party organizers this week, encouraging them to take good care of democratic voters. “help them with self-esteem, guilty feelings, shame, confusion about mainstream culture, and learning basic decision making skills. decisions like, who to nominate for president.”