politiqs by jonq

an ordinary night in new haven

2009-11-11T23:40:00Z

it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a third-place pants suit in bifocals is pounding boilermakers and zooming in on googlemaps of iran. she answers the phone. no one's there.

1. in a landmark moment of heartwarming TV history, oprah "the big O" winfrey, who will do absolutely anything for a daytime emmy, interviewed the woman who had her face ripped off by her friend's pet chimpanzee. then oprah yanked the bag off her head. then susan boyle went ape. then tzipi livni went ape. then chelsea clinton went ape. then "doctor" oz demonstrated the use of acupuncture to soothe a Xanax-addicted ape named bubbles. then "doctor" phil explained how complimenting your wife's new facial and manicure can prevent her from going ape shit at the dinner table. then suzanne "you don't need a medical degree to strike it rich as a TV quack on oprah" sommers shot up with 10 cc's of monkey estrogen and gave birth to octuplets.

2. republican party pinup girl sarah "is that a bull moose party in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin, non-mother-in-law of playgirl pinup boy levi "let it all hang out" johnston, who is the father of palin's grandson, but not the husband of her daughter, published a "book." then NPR went ape shit. then al "i have an oscar and a nobel. where's my pulitzer?" gore, author of his own "book," went ape shit. then katie "who's next? paris hilton on sixty minutes?" couric went ape shit. then joe "meet me in the lobby" lieberman crashed a white house healthcare party. then rahmbo went ape shit.

3. for those of you about to get your playoff hopes up about the minnesota vikings "football" team, here is a helpful synopsis of brett lorenzo (snicker.) favre's playoff history:

1993 season: 24 interceptions, 19 tds, 14 fumbles. lions “win” nfc central. packers make playoffs anyway. packers beat lions anyway. packers lose to cowboys anyway.

1994 season: favre doesn’t suck, packers make playoffs. packers beat lions in wildcard. again. next week, NFL MVP BLF throws zero tds. cowboys beat packers. again.

1995 season: in nfc championship game against cowboys, favre throws zero tds. again.

1996 season: favre is superbowl mvp vs patriots. nowhere to go but down.

1997 season: in superbowl against broncos, on 4th down, favre is blind to antonio freeman’s lonely hearts club meeting in the end zone, throwing underneath to broncos linebacker john mobley instead. the legend begins.

1998 playoffs: wildcard game against 49ers. TO—yes, that TO, in his rookie year—drops four brett favre passes and loses a fumble. jerry rice loses a fumble too, but the “referees” don’t see it that way. 49ers “win.” favre earns one and only one hour of pity.

1999 season: in a preaseason game, favre breaks his own thumb on the helmet of broncos linebacker—john mobley. then he does it again against the raiders on opening day. under “player’s coach” ray rhodes, favre refuses to sit. “it just won’t heal.” packers go 8-8. “I’m too tired to cry today,” favre says after the raiders game.

2000 season: favre launches 16 interceptions, turns in a qb rating of 78.zero, and the packers watch the vikings represent the nfc central in the playoffs. snicker.

2001 playofffs: six, count ‘em six, interceptions, three for TD’s, in one game against the rams.

2002 playoffs: interception AND fumble in 2nd half against: the falcons.

2003 playoffs: throws game-losing interception in OT in philly.

2004 season: packers sweep vikings by duplicate 34-31 scores. vikings stumble into playoffs anyway, losing 7 of their last 10 games, a feat unequaled even in the storied saga that is vikings playoffs history. in wildcard game vs vikings, favre unleashes no less than 4 searing interceptions. some irredeemable sob’s are still snickering to this day.

2005 “season:” thanks to favre’s nfc-leading 372 pass completions, 3881 yards, and 29 interceptions, packers finish 4-12.

2006 season: favre comes out of “retirement” to lead packers to 8-8 record. they somehow lose tie-breaker to giants, who go on to playoffs.

2007 season: in NFC championship game vs giants, favre unloads epic interception in OT.

2008: after the Marriage Made in Heaven melts down into the Divorce from Hell, the afc’s new york bretts start 8-3. favre throws 9 interceptions, 2 td’s down the stretch. no playoffs. favre retires. again.

2009 season: how could you possibly be bored? at WORST, the vikings, the most talented team in the nfl, who have started 9-0, will fade, losing the division to the cutler-resurrected bears, whom the vikings still have to play twice. at BEST, favre, the nfl’s all-time leader in interceptions, could, theoretically, become the first nfl qb to lead two different teams to superbowl championships. (craig “who?” morton qb’d two different losers, the cowboys and the broncos. kurt warner won one for the rams, lost one for the cardinals.) but before you count that chicken, you might want to hatch the egg known as the vikings storied playoff saga . . .

4. an irredeemable son of a bitch made his friend, sherman lasley, into a youtube sensation:

obama nuked!

2009-11-07T15:48:00Z

it's 3 am in foggy bottom. downstairs, a nobel flibbertijibbet is rummaging through the couch cushions looking for an olympic medal. upstairs, a one-armed bandit in a third-place pants suit is on the phone with russian "president" dmitry "we're just good friends" medvedev. "i say iranian, you say uranium, let's blow the whole thing up."

1. the central "intelligence" agency, who once declared that iran gave up trying to make nuclear weapons "as soon as we outed valerie plame wilson in 2003," reported that iran had already tested highly sophisticated double-barreled nuclear shotguns. "also, they have way more uranium processing plants than we thought. plus, another secret uranium mine. plus, they now have a subscription to the huffington post."

2. representative barney "is that a congressional page in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" frank, whose hobbies include regulating the u.s. "banking" industry and writing pot legalization laws, confessed that he "had no idea" his boyfriend was growing pot on the front porch of their maine getaway cabin. "i thought it was catnip. besides, i know even less about pot than i do about money. besides, lindsey graham is soooo gay."

3. freshman u.s. president barack "is that a nobel prize in your pocket, or are you just glad i don't work at your bank?" obama, fresh from his foreign policy triumph in oslo, announced that his 787 billion "dollar" stimulus package had saved or created over 23 jobs. "for instance, we built an olympic-sized swimming pool in chicago, wrapped some duct tape around the main supports on the bay bridge, and hired eight acorn volunteers to clean up those annoying "hope" posters somebody plastered all over the unemployment office." then he saved or created governor chris "you can't have too many chris's" christie. then he saved or created governor bob "is that a bull moose party in sarah palin's pocket, or is she just glad to see me?" mcdonnell. then he saved or created the palm pre, the blackberry storm, and the microsoft zune hd.

4. a u.s. army psychiatrist went on a shooting spree at fort hood (motto: "keeping america safe from armed fanatics and olympic athletes") texas. the u.s. army is holding "doctor" hasan for evaluation by a u.s. army psychiatrist. "we think it was the stress of trying to figure out which health care reform bill had the best death panel. that, and trying to figure out why the buncos fired mike shanahan."

godzillary compromises!

2009-11-01T15:12:00Z

it's 3 am. do you know where your independent senator from connecticut is caucusing?

1. secretary of state hillary "did you know i had a government job?" clinton publicly demanded that israel (motto: "with friends like lieberman, who needs republicans?") freeze all settlement construction on the West Bank. israeli prime minister benjamin "kosher as christmas" netanyahu said "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that iran (motto: "with enemies like bush, who needs friends?") freeze all nuke developments. iranian "president" mahmoud "it looks even worse when i shave" ahmedinejad said, "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that talented scumbag and hollywood darling roman "thank heavens for little girls" polanski return to the u.s. to serve his prison sentence for raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl to whom he had fed champagne and quaaludes. polanski said, "no." then "feminist" spokemodel whoopi "bros befo hos" goldberg defended polanski. "it wasn't like it was rape-rape. not like the phillies in the world series. am i right, girls?"

2. president barack "puff the magic stimulus" obama, who won a nobel prize for not bringing the olympics to chicago, announced that his 787 billion dollar economic recovery package had saved almost 13 jobs. so far. then he announced that he had created 30,000 jobs. then the associated press pointed out that wasn't true. then he announced that he had saved 640,000 jobs. or 650,000. then republicans, who are so good with economic calculations that they wiped out one eighth of the world's wealth with a single blackberry tweet, calculated that each of those jobs must have cost 248,000 dollars. then vice president joe "only an irredeemable son of a bitch would remind people that i admitted in 1988 that i plagiarized my way through law school" biden announced that the number of jobs saved was actually more than 1 million. "don't make me bring hillary out here," he warned reporters.

3. senator "tailgunner joe" lieberman, who used to be a democrat, until he "helped" al "with an oscar AND a nobel, who needs friends?" gore "lose" the 2000 presidential "election," and who endorsed republican john "hos befo bros" mccain in 2008, until mccain picked sarah "is that a moose in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin as his running mate, and who claimed in 2006 to have supported public health insurance since 1994, until Big Pharma gave him 2.5 million dollars in "walking around the democratic caucus" money, and who vowed not to support a republican filibuster against obama's public option health "care" reform bill in exchange for being allowed to keep his chair of the senate homeland "security" committee, announced he would join a republican filibuster against any public health insurance option "until the cows and polanski come home." then he denied being an overpriced scumbag. "it's not rape-rape. i sincerely enjoyed the champagne and quaaludes."

4. an irredeemable son of a bitch was censored by the "government" of pakistan for pointing out that the "army" of pakistan wouldn't really, actually, launch a real offensive against their own private terrorist army, the taliban (motto: "you say bombay, we say mumbai, let's blow the whole thing up") in south waziristan "even if lieberman himself asked us to do it." then the s.o.b. pointed out that, exactly as he predicted, after a week of gaudy headlines and no concrete results, the thunder of the "offensive" has been drowned out by the gentle hum of iranian gas centrifuges. then he snickered.

godzillary roars!

2009-08-11T12:06:00Z

it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a detachable right arm is waiting for huma to polish her bifocals. "when you're finished with that, take air force 3 to london and drop off my goodwill donation box at madame tussaud's."

1. secretary of state hillary "i'd break my right arm to be president. or even vice-president" clinton, on a diplomatic mission to kenya, bit the head off a college student who asked her if bill still wears boxers. "look, you little twerp, I'M the secretary of state, NOT bill. bill was president. i'm NOT president. i'm bill's WIFE. monica is NOT bill's wife. i'm married. chelsea is NOT married. bill has his OWN career. i'm MARRIED to bill. obama won the NOMINATION. i won FLORIDA. i have the birth certificate to PROVE it. obama won the ELECTION. i won THIRD BANANA. al franken is a SENATOR. i am NOT a senator. bristol has a BABY. chelsea does NOT have a baby. bristol has an EX-boyfriend. chelsea has a JOB. i WROTE a health care reform bill. it did NOT pass. bill did NOT support it. i support BILL. lieberman supports ISRAEL. lieberman will OBLITERATE iran. jay cutler will OBLITERATE the fudgepackers. AND the liedowns. AND the bi-queens. kyle orton will OBLITERATE the buncos. terrell owens will OBLITERATE the spills. the iPhone will OBLITERATE the palm pre. AND the blackberry storm. AND the blackberry storm 2. AND the blackberry storm 3.

2. only three years behind apple, microsoft (motto: "garbage in, garbage out") rolled out their latest in a long line of iPod-killers, the Zune HD. "we decided to compete with the iPod by releasing a lame ripoff that has a smaller, lower-resolution screen that goes black when you turn the lights on. and a smaller battery. then we took the old, slow portalplayer chip from the original iPod, renamed it "NVIDIA Tegra" to make people think it was an NVIDIA graphics chip, on the assumption that people won't notice that it takes 30 seconds to load up chess, which is one of the whopping nine apps available, and called the whole thing Zune HD, even though it's not HD. oh, you can watch HD movies, if you spend another 90 dollars on an adapter to plug it into your HD TV. snicker. yes, we gave it a web browser, one that works almost as well as IE on Windows Mobile. snicker. and yes, you are allowed to keep paying us 15 dollars a month for life just to listen to your own music. snicker. no, HD radio doesn't look better than plain old FM. snicker."

3. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his grubby paws on an iPhone 3GS.

palin' bailin, bam-o glam-o

2009-07-10T21:44:00Z

it's 3 am in foggy bottom. an ambulatory woman in a one-armed pants suit and bifocals is reading the penis-enlargement ads in the usa today "newspaper" and pounding medicinal boilermakers. a flibbertijibbet calls her on the red phone from the vatican. "i need you to fax ratzinger a copy of bill's donor list, asap. and then have the fcc text a copy of steve mcnair's suicide prevention ad to my blackberry. i want to have some fun in the confessional."

1. sarah "if you can't beat 'em, quit!" palin, wed mother of unwed mother bristol "mother of tripp. not trigg. like it matters" palin—not johnston, at least not yet—gave an 18 minute resignation speech as "governor" of alaska. "let's face it. there's not much to do, anyway. there's only three laws, two roads, and one border, and that's with canada, for the love of mike. even if somebody lived there, why in the name of all that's on christian tv would they be wandering around the middle of the yukon? anyway, i'm bored with governing. what i really want to do is some presidencing. but you filthy, degenerate media scum don't print nice things about me for some petty, whiny reason. who do you write for? playgirl? hustler? the usa today?"

2. bristol "single mother by choice" palin, who shuns the public spotlight while wielding a mass media campaign to frighten unwed teenagers out of having sex by showing them her baby, admitted to the media that motherhood was hard at her age. "but there's nothing wrong with it. i wish i was older, but i don't regret it. teen pregancy is horrible, but not as horrible as abortion. or marriage." then she talked about waiting until marriage to have sex. "like michael jackson. like britney spears. like chelsea clinton."

3. chelsea "single. but not a mother. and not by choice" clinton visited her wed mother in the hospital while she recuperates from a case of "third banana's elbow." then chelsea promised "not to have sex with anyone, anyone at all, except my husband, if i want one." then she promised not to see "chastity" bono after the surgery. then she promised not to buy any more alex rodriguez souvenir bats. then hillary gave her a one-armed hug. "if only your father were alive to see this!"

4. president barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're checking out hot italian booty" obama, fresh from his triumphant tour of what's left of russia, hobnobbed with the pope and other glamorous eurotrash at the now meaningless g-8 summit in rome. then he confesssed for the first time. "uh, look. forgive me father. i have lusted after women in my heart. or at least in my eyes." then he thanked the pope for a pro-life sunday school brochure. "i was in favor of abortion once. but then i saw my own baby daughters. and i thought, why would someone throw away a precious human life before it's even seen the light of day? and then i met chelsea. and then i thought, why doesn't someone put a bag over its head? lieberman uber alles!"

politiqs by jonq

an ordinary night in new haven

obama nuked!

godzillary compromises!

godzillary roars!

palin' bailin, bam-o glam-o

obama prompts, kim stompts

obama fist bumps specter

obama vetos own bill

obama teabags chelsea

obama bombs obama bowls obama bristols

obama socks bank jocks

president barack hussein obama

obama stimulates, caroline underrates

obama praises, caroline raises, franken amazes

godzillary drops the big one!

obama smokes, chip chokes, caro-k stokes

obama bamo blago blamo

palin's bailin', dubya's bailin', obama's bailin'

obama pitches, jackson snitches, blago twitches

obama bams blag's bag