3. freshman u.s. president barack "is that a nobel prize in your pocket, or are you just glad i don't work at your bank?" obama, fresh from his foreign policy triumph in oslo, announced that his 787 billion "dollar" stimulus package had saved or created over 23 jobs. "for instance, we built an olympic-sized swimming pool in chicago, wrapped some duct tape around the main supports on the bay bridge, and hired eight acorn volunteers to clean up those annoying "hope" posters somebody plastered all over the unemployment office." then he saved or created governor chris "you can't have too many chris's" christie. then he saved or created governor bob "is that a bull moose party in sarah palin's pocket, or is she just glad to see me?" mcdonnell. then he saved or created the palm pre, the blackberry storm, and the microsoft zune hd. 

4. a u.s. army psychiatrist went on a shooting spree at fort hood (motto: "keeping america safe from armed fanatics and olympic athletes") texas. the u.s. army is holding "doctor" hasan for evaluation by a u.s. army psychiatrist. "we think it was the stress of trying to figure out which health care reform bill had the best death panel. that, and trying to figure out why the buncos fired mike shanahan."