palin' bailin, bam-o glam-o
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. an ambulatory woman in a one-armed pants suit and bifocals is reading the penis-enlargement ads in the usa today "newspaper" and pounding medicinal boilermakers. a flibbertijibbet calls her on the red phone from the vatican. "i need you to fax ratzinger a copy of bill's donor list, asap. and then have the fcc text a copy of steve mcnair's suicide prevention ad to my blackberry. i want to have some fun in the confessional."
1. sarah "if you can't beat 'em, quit!" palin, wed mother of unwed mother bristol "mother of tripp. not trigg. like it matters" palin—not johnston, at least not yet—gave an 18 minute resignation speech as "governor" of alaska. "let's face it. there's not much to do, anyway. there's only three laws, two roads, and one border, and that's with canada, for the love of mike. even if somebody lived there, why in the name of all that's on christian tv would they be wandering around the middle of the yukon? anyway, i'm bored with governing. what i really want to do is some presidencing. but you filthy, degenerate media scum don't print nice things about me for some petty, whiny reason. who do you write for? playgirl? hustler? the usa today?"
2. bristol "single mother by choice" palin, who shuns the public spotlight while wielding a mass media campaign to frighten unwed teenagers out of having sex by showing them her baby, admitted to the media that motherhood was hard at her age. "but there's nothing wrong with it. i wish i was older, but i don't regret it. teen pregancy is horrible, but not as horrible as abortion. or marriage." then she talked about waiting until marriage to have sex. "like michael jackson. like britney spears. like chelsea clinton."
3. chelsea "single. but not a mother. and not by choice" clinton visited her wed mother in the hospital while she recuperates from a case of "third banana's elbow." then chelsea promised "not to have sex with anyone, anyone at all, except my husband, if i want one." then she promised not to see "chastity" bono after the surgery. then she promised not to buy any more alex rodriguez souvenir bats. then hillary gave her a one-armed hug. "if only your father were alive to see this!"
4. president barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're checking out hot italian booty" obama, fresh from his triumphant tour of what's left of russia, hobnobbed with the pope and other glamorous eurotrash at the now meaningless g-8 summit in rome. then he confesssed for the first time. "uh, look. forgive me father. i have lusted after women in my heart. or at least in my eyes." then he thanked the pope for a pro-life sunday school brochure. "i was in favor of abortion once. but then i saw my own baby daughters. and i thought, why would someone throw away a precious human life before it's even seen the light of day? and then i met chelsea. and then i thought, why doesn't someone put a bag over its head? lieberman uber alles!"
1. sarah "if you can't beat 'em, quit!" palin, wed mother of unwed mother bristol "mother of tripp. not trigg. like it matters" palin—not johnston, at least not yet—gave an 18 minute resignation speech as "governor" of alaska. "let's face it. there's not much to do, anyway. there's only three laws, two roads, and one border, and that's with canada, for the love of mike. even if somebody lived there, why in the name of all that's on christian tv would they be wandering around the middle of the yukon? anyway, i'm bored with governing. what i really want to do is some presidencing. but you filthy, degenerate media scum don't print nice things about me for some petty, whiny reason. who do you write for? playgirl? hustler? the usa today?"
2. bristol "single mother by choice" palin, who shuns the public spotlight while wielding a mass media campaign to frighten unwed teenagers out of having sex by showing them her baby, admitted to the media that motherhood was hard at her age. "but there's nothing wrong with it. i wish i was older, but i don't regret it. teen pregancy is horrible, but not as horrible as abortion. or marriage." then she talked about waiting until marriage to have sex. "like michael jackson. like britney spears. like chelsea clinton."
3. chelsea "single. but not a mother. and not by choice" clinton visited her wed mother in the hospital while she recuperates from a case of "third banana's elbow." then chelsea promised "not to have sex with anyone, anyone at all, except my husband, if i want one." then she promised not to see "chastity" bono after the surgery. then she promised not to buy any more alex rodriguez souvenir bats. then hillary gave her a one-armed hug. "if only your father were alive to see this!"
4. president barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're checking out hot italian booty" obama, fresh from his triumphant tour of what's left of russia, hobnobbed with the pope and other glamorous eurotrash at the now meaningless g-8 summit in rome. then he confesssed for the first time. "uh, look. forgive me father. i have lusted after women in my heart. or at least in my eyes." then he thanked the pope for a pro-life sunday school brochure. "i was in favor of abortion once. but then i saw my own baby daughters. and i thought, why would someone throw away a precious human life before it's even seen the light of day? and then i met chelsea. and then i thought, why doesn't someone put a bag over its head? lieberman uber alles!"
Posted by tommy jonq at 7/10/2009 4:44 PM 
Categories: Politickles
Tags: palin economy barack iphone bail out obama hillary wall street recession godzillary blackberry bristol pre afghanistan clinton
Categories: Politickles
Tags: palin economy barack iphone bail out obama hillary wall street recession godzillary blackberry bristol pre afghanistan clinton
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