godzillary drops the big one!
it's 3 am. the white girls are allowed to stay up late tonight. a flibbertijibbet is doing 500 crunches on the beach at maui. a woman in bifocals and a nostalgic pants suit is in new york city, dropping the Big One on 2008. in foggy bottom, there's a call on the Red Phone. "no, she's not here. this is her placeholder speaking. well, show him my donor list. he'll see the light!"
1. microsoft (motto: "why do people keep giving us their money? why?") blamed—you guessed it—someone else for the simultaneous crash of their zune (pronounced the way it's spelled: like a blowfly getting sucked up a horse's patoosis) portable media "players" on new year's eve. "apparently some bureaucrat has been tacking an extra day onto february every four years. who knew? we just thank god no one actually bought one." then they issued instructions for fixing the problem. "step 1: let the battery go dead. completely dead. step 2: recharge the battery. completely. step 3: put the zune, the headphones, the box, and any and all accessories completely into the garbage. step 4: buy an iPod. or better yet, an iPhone. step 5: forget you ever heard of microsoft." then they issued a warning. "frankly, we have no idea which ridiculously flawed product of ours will fail next, or when it will fail, or what horrifying consequences there might be. for example, our software controls traffic light systems. i think. it used to, anyway. the point is, windows vista is probably the best thing we've ever made. think about that when you're tucking your kids into bed tonight."
http://www.mercurynews.com/inhindsight/ci_11357604
2. new york state assembly speaker sheldon "did i say unqualified? i meant undenied" silver unexpectedly, completely, and unequivocally endorsed caroline "that's what it says on my driver's license" kennedy to keep godzillary's senate seat moist until the "election" in 2010. "this is not a flip-flop. this is not a reversal. this is not a hypocrisy. bam-o simply faxed me a copy of bill's donor list, and i saw the light. lieberman uber alles!" then he winked at bloomberg. then he winked at blago. then he winked at paterson. "what are you, blind?" then he winked at oprah.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jn3kCOceMPF7iuG4FzHbl_EgrQZgD95EOE300
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/nyregion/03caroline.html?em
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, rahmbo's busting somebody's knuckles out behind the governor's mansion" obama returned from his "vacation" in hawaii just in time to drive the final nail in the coffin of the clinton dynasty. "uh, look. when i promised to keep fitzgerald as federal prosecutor in chicago in return for the "justice" department busting hand-picked clinton golden boy spitzer BEFORE the convention, it was so the kennedys could ride my bandwagon back to power. do you really think i'm going to let paterson forget who made him? do you really think i'm going to let roland burris steal oprah's senate seat out from under me? do you really think i'm going to forget i've got bill's donor list in my pocket? do you really think i'm going to let some uppity runner-up stop me from packing the senate with hand-picked amateurs?" then he winked at illinois runner-up pat "what's good for oprah is good for me" quinn. then he winked at ehud "what's good for tzipi livni is good for dubai oil prices" olmert. then he winked at joe "what's good for barbequed gaza urchin strips is good for kazakh uranium prices" lieberman.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/03/AR2009010300721.html
4. the totally legal, if not convincingly ethical, state of israel continued bombing the bejeezus out of various suspected hamas (motto: "it's not easy making hezbollah look reasonable") strongholds in the gaza strip. "look. the nazis rounded us up and put us in concentration camps, too, but you didn't see us lobbing rockets at them. some people are just bitter. just because these people lived here for 1400 years does not give them the right to get in our way when we decide to start cashing our international pity checks. besides, lieberman says it's okay. besides, hillary says it's okay. besides, dubya says it's okay. besides, rick warren says it's okay." hamas continued launching paltry rockets into israeli settlements, anyway, in a valiant, if hopeless, attempt to wipe israel off the map without accidentally looking like innocent victims of brutal, immoral, unethical, if totally legal, oppression by a ham-fisted (get it?) hypo-cracy. happy new year.
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/01/01/israel.gaza/
5. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his "comic" strip online: Episodic by tommy jonq
1. microsoft (motto: "why do people keep giving us their money? why?") blamed—you guessed it—someone else for the simultaneous crash of their zune (pronounced the way it's spelled: like a blowfly getting sucked up a horse's patoosis) portable media "players" on new year's eve. "apparently some bureaucrat has been tacking an extra day onto february every four years. who knew? we just thank god no one actually bought one." then they issued instructions for fixing the problem. "step 1: let the battery go dead. completely dead. step 2: recharge the battery. completely. step 3: put the zune, the headphones, the box, and any and all accessories completely into the garbage. step 4: buy an iPod. or better yet, an iPhone. step 5: forget you ever heard of microsoft." then they issued a warning. "frankly, we have no idea which ridiculously flawed product of ours will fail next, or when it will fail, or what horrifying consequences there might be. for example, our software controls traffic light systems. i think. it used to, anyway. the point is, windows vista is probably the best thing we've ever made. think about that when you're tucking your kids into bed tonight."
http://www.mercurynews.com/inhindsight/ci_11357604
2. new york state assembly speaker sheldon "did i say unqualified? i meant undenied" silver unexpectedly, completely, and unequivocally endorsed caroline "that's what it says on my driver's license" kennedy to keep godzillary's senate seat moist until the "election" in 2010. "this is not a flip-flop. this is not a reversal. this is not a hypocrisy. bam-o simply faxed me a copy of bill's donor list, and i saw the light. lieberman uber alles!" then he winked at bloomberg. then he winked at blago. then he winked at paterson. "what are you, blind?" then he winked at oprah.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jn3kCOceMPF7iuG4FzHbl_EgrQZgD95EOE300
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/nyregion/03caroline.html?em
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, rahmbo's busting somebody's knuckles out behind the governor's mansion" obama returned from his "vacation" in hawaii just in time to drive the final nail in the coffin of the clinton dynasty. "uh, look. when i promised to keep fitzgerald as federal prosecutor in chicago in return for the "justice" department busting hand-picked clinton golden boy spitzer BEFORE the convention, it was so the kennedys could ride my bandwagon back to power. do you really think i'm going to let paterson forget who made him? do you really think i'm going to let roland burris steal oprah's senate seat out from under me? do you really think i'm going to forget i've got bill's donor list in my pocket? do you really think i'm going to let some uppity runner-up stop me from packing the senate with hand-picked amateurs?" then he winked at illinois runner-up pat "what's good for oprah is good for me" quinn. then he winked at ehud "what's good for tzipi livni is good for dubai oil prices" olmert. then he winked at joe "what's good for barbequed gaza urchin strips is good for kazakh uranium prices" lieberman.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/03/AR2009010300721.html
4. the totally legal, if not convincingly ethical, state of israel continued bombing the bejeezus out of various suspected hamas (motto: "it's not easy making hezbollah look reasonable") strongholds in the gaza strip. "look. the nazis rounded us up and put us in concentration camps, too, but you didn't see us lobbing rockets at them. some people are just bitter. just because these people lived here for 1400 years does not give them the right to get in our way when we decide to start cashing our international pity checks. besides, lieberman says it's okay. besides, hillary says it's okay. besides, dubya says it's okay. besides, rick warren says it's okay." hamas continued launching paltry rockets into israeli settlements, anyway, in a valiant, if hopeless, attempt to wipe israel off the map without accidentally looking like innocent victims of brutal, immoral, unethical, if totally legal, oppression by a ham-fisted (get it?) hypo-cracy. happy new year.
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/01/01/israel.gaza/
5. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his "comic" strip online: Episodic by tommy jonq
Seed Newsvine 
Posted by tommy jonq at 1/1/2009 12:34 AM 
Categories: Politickles
Tags: kennedy economy barack bail out obama hillary wall street caroline recession godzillary paterson burris lieberman afghanistan clinton
Categories: Politickles
Tags: kennedy economy barack bail out obama hillary wall street caroline recession godzillary paterson burris lieberman afghanistan clinton
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