hillary speculates, obama matriculates, mccain abdicates
it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a capri pants suit is on the phone. “hello, national rifle association? do you know where i could buy some flibbertijibbet-penetrating shells?”
1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they give another speech on a college campus” obama, filling in for ted “why can’t any of us just die in our sleep?” kennedy, gave a speech at a wesleyan (motto: “we put the w in w.a.s.p.”) university commencement ceremonies promising to double the peace corps. “look at the bang-up job the peace corps has done in places like africa and mongolia. we could do the same thing in iraq. or ohio!”
http://www.courant.com/news/local/mr/middletown/hc-26075857.apds.m0871.bc-ct--obammay26,0,2201553.story
2. hillary “the check’s in the mail, the shot’s in the beer, and the nomination’s in the bag” clinton, campaigning in puerto rico (motto: “you can’t vote for president, but you can vote for the next best thing!”) over the weekend, changed her pants suit for a pair of pants. then she “explained” her hints about the rfk assassination. again. “i wasn’t suggesting to any crazed, fanatical supporters of mine—and let’s face it, some of my supporters are pretty crazy. just look at rush limbaugh—that i wanted them to go out and shoot any uppity you-know-whats who think they’re so big and so smart and so handsome. no, i was merely pointing out the historical fact that the world is full of crazy people who have nothing better to do with their lonely, embittered lives than to take pot shots at the kind of people no one wants creeping around the house at 3 am, looking for white girls to rape and nominations to steal. i wasn’t suggesting that i wanted anyone to do this. i was just suggesting it would really help me out if they did. it’s not like i’m asking for anybody to vince foster themselves on my behalf. besides, i hear hinckley has a nice padded cell with a tv and everything.”
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/clinton-sheds-p.html
3. “republican” president john “the son of admirals, and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain, who went from denouncing the war in iraq to declaring victory since his endorsement by george “the w stands for wowee” bush, challenged obama to a surrendering contest in iraq. “we’re winning. casualties have plummeted from 800 a year to 799. gasoline has gone from an economy-wrecking $1.89 a gallon to a painless $4.00. a free and independent government of iraq can cave into al-sadr any time it wants to. of course, i’m sick at heart over mistakes made early in the war. mistakes like, starting it. mistakes like, sending over 4,000 american troops into a roadside meat grinder. mistakes like, letting american soldiers live in filthy dog kennels and giving them worse medical care than i got as a pow in vietnam. mistakes like, holding the american people and their children hostage to a bumper sticker slogan. but things are going so great now, i’d recommend staying another hundred years!” then “tailunner joe” lieberman tossed him a scooby snack. then he tucked mccain into bed and read him a story. “goldilocks and the three israeli lobbyists flush america down a chinese toilet at wal-mart.” then he kissed him goodnight. then he asked dick “dick” cheney “what are your orders, sir?” then he saluted. then he gave jimmy carter a dirty look. then he went to the lobby of the national bank of israel to use the cash machine.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/26/mccain-blasts-obama-for-not-visiting-iraq-since-06-challenging-joint-trip/
4. former “president” jimmy “i won a nobel peace prize before they started handing them out like free condoms at a california gay wedding reception” carter, who taught joe “loyal as a cat” lieberman everything he knows about caving into israeli lobbyists, accused the totally legal, if not totally ethical, state of israel of possessing 150 nuclear weapons. then he vowed to do for mideast peace what he did for peanut butter and democratic presidential politics. “that stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. and by the way, where’s my oscar?”
http://rawstory.com/news/2008/Fox_Carter_mention_of_Israeli_nukes_0527.html
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