obama celebrates, hillary instigates, texas polygamates
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a red white and blue pants suit answers. “you have reached the guns’n’ammo’n’boilermakers hotline. if you know the name of the flibbertijibbet you wish to assassinate, press 1.”
1. the Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, campaigning for her “mother” in oregon declared, “my mom would make an even better president than my dad. let’s face it, britney spear’s mom would make an even better president than my dad. at least she’s not a flibbertijibbet.” then former “president” bill “just relax and let this happen” clinton took the microphone for a few hours. “i’m very proud of my daughter, who looks just like me. when my wife blamed chelsea (who “works” for avenue capital group on wall street) for bush’s recession, she left her job and joined the campaign. and the conomy’s already started to improve. imagine how great it would be if she moved back into amy’s treehouse behind the White’s house. i mean white house. heil hillary!”
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/19/bill-chelsea-clinton-stump-in-oregon-for-hillary/
2. hillary “the check is in the mail, along with a one-year subscription to guns’n’ammo’n’white people magazine” clinton, campaigning in kentucky, blasted “some folks who don’t want your votes to count. the way i didn’t want the votes in michigan and florida to count, until i started losing.” asked whether she was considering dropping out of the race, clinton cackled. “you don’t walk off the court until the buzzer sounds. who knows, you might get a three-point rifle shot in the end.” then she winked at huckleberry. then she winked at hinckley. then she winked at squeaky fromme. then she winked at puffy puff daddy pee diddy diddily piddily iddily. then she winked at someone behind a grassy knoll.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/mike-huckabee-o.html
3. president john mccain, after a late-night performance on SNL, took a long nap sunday. his right hand man, “tailgunner joe” lieberman, reassured the completely legal, totally ethical state of israel that “the president will never be too sleepy to obliterate, invade, or otherwise destroy any country the state of israel wants us to. and that includes america.” then he spoon fed mccain a pint of mint chocolate chip from lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, oregon. then he tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.
4. texas officials, who never railroad anybody, just released james lee woodward, a flibbertijibbet railroaded on charges of rape and murder 27 years ago. dna evidence finally cleared him. “we’re waiting on dna tests to come back on those polygamist babies. cross your fingers!” then they admitted that another “underage” poly mother turned out to be an adult. then they admitted that texas lost the civil war. “but we’re going to do it again!”
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iIdMpRHjN4hpNKBhfYyAsR4DDo4QD90N2T8G0
5. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’ve taken a few hits in the press room” o’bama, without declaring victory in the “democratic” party nomination contest, declared victory before a crowd of 80,000 people in oregon. then he gave a shout out to bill “what have you done for me lately” richardson. then he gave a shout out to ted “it’s my party, and i’ll sandbag who i want to” kennedy. then he gave a shout out to george “thanks for the memories” mcgovern. then he gave a shout out to oprah “bros before hos” winfrey. then he gave a shout out to bob “banana splits” barr. then he obliterated lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, orgeon. then he obliterated prince puckler’s.
http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/05/18/obama-holds-huge-rally-in-oregon/?mod=WSJBlog
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