hillary trounces, barack bounces, texas flounces
it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit is on the phone, and she won’t hang up. “for your generous donation of 2,500 dollars, you get a four-year subscription to Blowin’ It magazine. heil hillary!”
1. senator and former “presidential” hopeful ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who owns a very expensive yacht, hinted on monday that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, but not nominated” obama should pick someone slightly less rat-gagging than hillary “some of my best friends are endorsing obama” clinton. “i would hope that obama would also give consideration to somebody that is in tune with the nobler aspirations of the american people. aspirations like, winning a presidential election for a change instead of kneecapping fellow democrats, like bobby did to johnson and i did to mcgovern and carter. especially carter. you remember carter. he couldn’t get a law passed against farting in church. for some reason.” then he winked at bob barr.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/kennedy-on-obam.html
2. godzillary “won” the west virginia (motto: “serving jack daniels to underage ohio kids since the civil war”) democratic primary by a huge margin that could not possibly matter less. “if you think about how the patriots won most of the superbowl, it sort of makes sense that i have won most of the nomination. if you think about how the patriots were undefeated until the superbowl, if you include the games they cheated in, then it sort of makes sense that i have won all the primaries i have cheated in. if you think about how the patriots are married to an intern-spitzering scumbag and have a shovel-ugly daughter who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, then it sort of makes sense that i have no reason to live if i can’t be president.”
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/hillaryclintonw.html
3. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they stay the hell out of west virginia” obama, who is seeking to defeat incumbent president john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain in the november elections, congratulated hillary clinton “on her absolutely meaningless win in west virginia.” then he offered her the vice-presidency. “of loserville, usa. population: hubert “if mcgovern is still alive, then i’m still alive” humphrey, george “if nancy reagan is still alive, then i’m still alive” mcgovern, michael “if gary hart is still allowed to attend democratic party meetings, then i am still allowed to attend democratic party meetings” dukakis, john “al got an oscar and a nobel. where’s my oscar? where’s my nobel?" kerry, al “winning isn’t everything, not when you’re up for an emmy” gore, and jimmy “you know what’s worse than losing? winning, that’s what” carter.” then he flipped her the bird. then he winked at kennedy. then he winked at richardson. then he winked at reich. then he winked at the colombian trade minister. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he obliterated a double stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.
http://donklephant.com/2008/01/27/caroline-kennedy-obama-jfk/
4. texas (motto: “we won our independence from mexico, so we didn’t really need to win our independence from america to prove how butch we are”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, today continued their efforts to seize custody of an ultra-way-out, superduper-mormon baby born april 29 to a woman who is not, after all, a minor. “we want the child anyway. it’s ridiculous to think of letting parents raise their own children. besides, these people aren’t even baptists. besides, they don’t even drink beer. besides, they don’t even shoot guns. besides, they don’t even lynch flibbertijibbets or drag them behind their pickup trucks. besides, some of these children have never even seen a confederate flag. and they sure as shootin’ don’t know where to cut the eye holes on a bed sheet. besides, the south’s going to do it again.” texas officials declined to say who’s next.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355504,00.html
5. you must see:
1. senator and former “presidential” hopeful ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who owns a very expensive yacht, hinted on monday that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, but not nominated” obama should pick someone slightly less rat-gagging than hillary “some of my best friends are endorsing obama” clinton. “i would hope that obama would also give consideration to somebody that is in tune with the nobler aspirations of the american people. aspirations like, winning a presidential election for a change instead of kneecapping fellow democrats, like bobby did to johnson and i did to mcgovern and carter. especially carter. you remember carter. he couldn’t get a law passed against farting in church. for some reason.” then he winked at bob barr.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/kennedy-on-obam.html
2. godzillary “won” the west virginia (motto: “serving jack daniels to underage ohio kids since the civil war”) democratic primary by a huge margin that could not possibly matter less. “if you think about how the patriots won most of the superbowl, it sort of makes sense that i have won most of the nomination. if you think about how the patriots were undefeated until the superbowl, if you include the games they cheated in, then it sort of makes sense that i have won all the primaries i have cheated in. if you think about how the patriots are married to an intern-spitzering scumbag and have a shovel-ugly daughter who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, then it sort of makes sense that i have no reason to live if i can’t be president.”
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/hillaryclintonw.html
3. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they stay the hell out of west virginia” obama, who is seeking to defeat incumbent president john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain in the november elections, congratulated hillary clinton “on her absolutely meaningless win in west virginia.” then he offered her the vice-presidency. “of loserville, usa. population: hubert “if mcgovern is still alive, then i’m still alive” humphrey, george “if nancy reagan is still alive, then i’m still alive” mcgovern, michael “if gary hart is still allowed to attend democratic party meetings, then i am still allowed to attend democratic party meetings” dukakis, john “al got an oscar and a nobel. where’s my oscar? where’s my nobel?" kerry, al “winning isn’t everything, not when you’re up for an emmy” gore, and jimmy “you know what’s worse than losing? winning, that’s what” carter.” then he flipped her the bird. then he winked at kennedy. then he winked at richardson. then he winked at reich. then he winked at the colombian trade minister. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he obliterated a double stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.
http://donklephant.com/2008/01/27/caroline-kennedy-obama-jfk/
4. texas (motto: “we won our independence from mexico, so we didn’t really need to win our independence from america to prove how butch we are”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, today continued their efforts to seize custody of an ultra-way-out, superduper-mormon baby born april 29 to a woman who is not, after all, a minor. “we want the child anyway. it’s ridiculous to think of letting parents raise their own children. besides, these people aren’t even baptists. besides, they don’t even drink beer. besides, they don’t even shoot guns. besides, they don’t even lynch flibbertijibbets or drag them behind their pickup trucks. besides, some of these children have never even seen a confederate flag. and they sure as shootin’ don’t know where to cut the eye holes on a bed sheet. besides, the south’s going to do it again.” texas officials declined to say who’s next.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355504,00.html
5. you must see:
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