obama winning, hillary skinning, mccain spinning
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a rumpled pants suit. “tell that irredeemable son of a bitch to quit goofing off and start blogging again. heil hillary!”
the readers have made their choice loud and clear: they wouldn’t read my other blog if godzillary herself threatened to eat their children. so it’s back to politiqs—with many, many thanks. remember: if we can laugh at the bastards, then they can’t hurt us. much.
1. hillary “the bear is dead, but she won’t lie down” clinton, who has no chance of winning either the democratic “party” nomination or the presidency, is leading barack “when irish eyes are smiling in chicago. but not gary” obama by whopping margins in west virginia and kentucky anyway. she’s out of money. she’s out of “friends.” she’s out of her mind. but she knows that staying in the race is worth a shot. “in the event that the presumptive nominee should be unable to fulfill his duties, either for reasons of health or a lone gunman on a grassy knoll, i’ll be there. with a vengeance.” then she winked at rev jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight. then she winked at louis “with a semi-black man in the white house, i’ll have no reason to complain” farakkhan. then she winked at al “if i can’t be the first more or less black president, then i’ll start another race riot in queens” sharpton. then she winked at geraldine “i’ll stand behind the nominee like i stood behind mondale” ferarro. then she winked at mark “what’s good for colombia trade deals is good for my other clients, too” penn. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at bill “mrs jones you’ve got a lovely daughter” clinton. then her eye swelled shut.
http://www.fayettetribune.com/local/local_story_133121113.html
2. barack “if this was a real political party, i’d be the nominee by now” obama, who foolishly believed that the “democratic” party could actually get its shit together for once, has now raised more money than eliot spitzer could spend in three weeks. he has more delegates, more superdelegates, more superduperdelegates, and more celebrity and political endorsements than all other candidates combined, republican or democrat. he is the darling of the foreign press. women swoon at his approach. his only obstacle now: the majority of “democrats” wouldn’t vote for a black person for president if jesus christ himself put a gun to their sunday school teacher’s head and threatened to smite the jack daniels distillery with the wrath of god.
http://news.mainetoday.com/updates/026894.html
3. president john mccain, who wouldn’t know the difference between a muslim terrorist and an isreali lobbyist if jesus christ himself drew a picture on “tailgunner joe” lieberman’s ass, offered to debate theoretical democratic nominee barack “why would anyone with a harvard education and my looks and charm join such an idiotic mob of self-defeating yahoos, anyway?” obama one-on-one, with no moderators. “and three scheduled nap breaks. and one unscheduled.” then he thanked hillary for her endorsement. then he thanked bill. then he thanked geraldine. then he thanked “reverend” whight. then he thanked george “i owe everything to billary” stephanopoulos. then he thanked sean “i taught stepho everything he knows about tv journalism” hannity. then he thanked hamas. then joe nudged him. then he dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-pope/where-in-the-world-is-joh_b_101417.html
4. the ruling junta (rhymes with “hookah) of myanmar (motto: “the artist formally known as burma, until we got tired of selling shaving cream”) refused to allow international aid workers to enter the country and help save what’s left of the survivors of last week’s cyclone. “president mccain’s advisors said not to do anything until he wakes up.”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/12/campaign-advisers-quite-over-foreign-links-meetings/
5. you must see:
the readers have made their choice loud and clear: they wouldn’t read my other blog if godzillary herself threatened to eat their children. so it’s back to politiqs—with many, many thanks. remember: if we can laugh at the bastards, then they can’t hurt us. much.
1. hillary “the bear is dead, but she won’t lie down” clinton, who has no chance of winning either the democratic “party” nomination or the presidency, is leading barack “when irish eyes are smiling in chicago. but not gary” obama by whopping margins in west virginia and kentucky anyway. she’s out of money. she’s out of “friends.” she’s out of her mind. but she knows that staying in the race is worth a shot. “in the event that the presumptive nominee should be unable to fulfill his duties, either for reasons of health or a lone gunman on a grassy knoll, i’ll be there. with a vengeance.” then she winked at rev jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight. then she winked at louis “with a semi-black man in the white house, i’ll have no reason to complain” farakkhan. then she winked at al “if i can’t be the first more or less black president, then i’ll start another race riot in queens” sharpton. then she winked at geraldine “i’ll stand behind the nominee like i stood behind mondale” ferarro. then she winked at mark “what’s good for colombia trade deals is good for my other clients, too” penn. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at bill “mrs jones you’ve got a lovely daughter” clinton. then her eye swelled shut.
http://www.fayettetribune.com/local/local_story_133121113.html
2. barack “if this was a real political party, i’d be the nominee by now” obama, who foolishly believed that the “democratic” party could actually get its shit together for once, has now raised more money than eliot spitzer could spend in three weeks. he has more delegates, more superdelegates, more superduperdelegates, and more celebrity and political endorsements than all other candidates combined, republican or democrat. he is the darling of the foreign press. women swoon at his approach. his only obstacle now: the majority of “democrats” wouldn’t vote for a black person for president if jesus christ himself put a gun to their sunday school teacher’s head and threatened to smite the jack daniels distillery with the wrath of god.
http://news.mainetoday.com/updates/026894.html
3. president john mccain, who wouldn’t know the difference between a muslim terrorist and an isreali lobbyist if jesus christ himself drew a picture on “tailgunner joe” lieberman’s ass, offered to debate theoretical democratic nominee barack “why would anyone with a harvard education and my looks and charm join such an idiotic mob of self-defeating yahoos, anyway?” obama one-on-one, with no moderators. “and three scheduled nap breaks. and one unscheduled.” then he thanked hillary for her endorsement. then he thanked bill. then he thanked geraldine. then he thanked “reverend” whight. then he thanked george “i owe everything to billary” stephanopoulos. then he thanked sean “i taught stepho everything he knows about tv journalism” hannity. then he thanked hamas. then joe nudged him. then he dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-pope/where-in-the-world-is-joh_b_101417.html
4. the ruling junta (rhymes with “hookah) of myanmar (motto: “the artist formally known as burma, until we got tired of selling shaving cream”) refused to allow international aid workers to enter the country and help save what’s left of the survivors of last week’s cyclone. “president mccain’s advisors said not to do anything until he wakes up.”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/12/campaign-advisers-quite-over-foreign-links-meetings/
5. you must see:
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