chelsea defeats obama in gorging contest
chelsea defeats obama in gorging contest
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit answers. “this is the texas child welfare hotline. if you have seen the color red, press 1. if you have seen television or movies, press 2. if you have seen the glory of the coming of the state of texas, press 3. then get on the bus.”
1. non-partisan republican analyst stuart “magic bullet” rothenberg noted that gop terror of obama in the fall is fading. “we—i mean, they—thought hillary would be more beatable, and that obama might present a real challenge. but every day, it looks more and more like the democratic party is just naturally beatable in presidential elections. born losers, if you will.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/26/us/politics/26ticket.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&ref=politics&adxnnlx=1209237227-cEefTR4DRm8NSxGGL2iQyg
2. for months and months now, barack “when irish eyes are smiling through the tears” obama has been locked in a grueling contest with hillary “the check is in the mail. and so is chelsea’s husband” clinton to see who can eat the most pancakes and cheese fries. but the surprise front-runner: hillary’s “daughter,” chelsea, who looks nothing like web hubbell. at now-famous pat’s restaurant in philadelphia, manager tom francano bragged that, “chelsea said they were the best cheese fries she’d had in her life. she had to cut a bigger hole in the bag over her head just to eat them faster.” francano reassured reporters that no bystanders were injured during the feeding of chelsea. “everybody followed the clinton campaign’s safety instructions: 1. keep your hands and feet away from her mouth. 2. do not try to peek inside the eyeholes. 3. don’t ask her out. she could have a boyfriend if she wanted one. 4. don’t bother comparing her picture to web hubbell’s. you’re just wasting your time.”
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/politics/la-na-diners26apr26,1,4333766.story
3. doomed democratic frontrunner barack “the ghost of jimmy carter” obama slammed hillary “i never even heard of web hubbell” clinton this weekend. “what has hillary actually accomplished, except providing late-night comedians with endless material? if she’s such hot snot on health care reform, what’s taking her so long? if she’s such hot snot at playing commander in chief, why did she vote for cheney’s war over and over and over and over and over? if she’s such hot snot at international diplomacy, why did she threaten to obliterate certain countries that don’t donate money to israeli lobbying firms? if she’s such hot snot at job creation, why does her daughter have so much time on her hands?” then obama flipped hillary the bird. then oklahoma governor brad henry endorsed him. then tony lake endorsed him.
http://www.kten.com/Global/story.asp?S=8233221
http://www.newsobserver.com/politics/story/1051650.html
4. texas officials, who never railroad anybody, may have lost two of the hundreds of children kidnapped en masse from their families last week. “we are not aware of any children not accounted for. therefore, we have not lost any children. besides, any child not in the custody of texas officials does not exist.” then, texas child “welfare” officials issued a memo to state supervised caretakers, who apparently don’t know how to take care of children without specific, daily instructions from the state. “help them with self-esteem, guilty feelings, shame, confusion about mainstream culture, and learning basic decision making skills. decisions like, raising your own children, or donating them to the state of texas. decisions like, letting other people raise their own kids, or getting a warrant to kidnap them en masse without an investigation or any other due process.” the children, who were warehoused temporarily at a concentration camp set up in the san angelo coliseum, were trucked to various dumping grounds around the state. officials admitted that many children were sickened by the process. “some of them probably haven’t even ridden in a vehicle before,” said state trooper dial king. “some of them probably haven’t even seen their parents treated like nazi war criminals before.” some of their children had never seen the color red before. “that’s one of the elements of mainstream culture the state is going to expose these children to, whether their parents like it or not. jamie lynn spears wears red all the time. so does ellen degeneres. so does madonna. so does rosie o’donnell. so does ashley dupre.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,352755,00.html
5. “democratic” party (motto: we can lose any election, any time, any place”) officials issued a memo to party organizers this week, encouraging them to take good care of democratic voters. “help them with self-esteem, guilty feelings, shame, confusion about mainstream culture, and learning basic decision making skills. decisions like, who to nominate for president.”
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