obama’s bitter, mccain’s aflitter, hillary’s no quitter
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. “this is sarah number three. meet me at the top of the empire state building on valentine’s day. i’ll be the one wearing the veil. ”
1. john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain criticized barack “can i get an amen?” obama for blaming the republican-managed economy for white voter bitterness in pennsylvania. “as i pointed out before, white, wholesome, gun-toting, bible hugging white midwesterners like dick cheney are bitter about hispanic immigrants stealing their minimum wage jobs, not about the bush/cheney administration flushing every job down a chinese toilet.” then “tailgunner joe” lieberman tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. then mccain dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sirota/mccain-said-it-before-he_b_96314.html
2. hillary “colombian supremo” clinton, crashing and burning in pennsylvania polls, cackled at the notion that she would quit the race if she doesn’t win pennsylvania by a big margin. then she cackled at barack “typical white person” obama for blaming the clinton-bush economy for white voter bitterness in the keystone state. “rednecks don’t cling to their faith and the hunting rifles they use to provide food for their kids out of fear of having another million of their jobs flushed down a chinese toilet at walmart. no, everybody knows that rednecks tote guns and bibles for protection from you-know-whats. and i can’t say i blame them.” then she flipped richardson the bird. then she winked at lieberman. then lieberman blew cheney a kiss. then cheney shot a mccain lobbyist in the face. then mccain said, “thank you sir. may i have another?” then he dozed off.
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/trackback.aspx?PostID=303850
3. pennsylvania governor ed “jews for jesus. and hillary” rendell predicted that hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton would not win pennsylvania in a blowout. “like i did.” then he asked richardson how he sleeps at night. “i’m not saying i’ve changed my mind about my endorsement. i’m just saying . . .” then he winked at lieberman. then lieberman nudged mccain. then mccain bit the head off a rosie o’donnell doll. then rosie tied elisabeth “with an s, like sebra” hasselbeck’s bra in a granny knot. then bill asked her to tie a bag over chelsea’s head. then monica snickered. then chelsea spit gum in her hair.
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/archive/2008/04/11/is-hillary-preparing-to-move-the-goalposts-on-pennsylvania.aspx
4. texas (motto: “we never railroad anybody”) authorities “may have made a mistake” when they suspected dale “seven’ll get you eleven” barlow of marrying runaway bride sarah “the invisible girl” barlow. “it’s not that sarah is a totally made-up victim, or that our warrants were based on totally made-up phone calls. sarah is real. in fact, she’s so real, there are four of her. besides, we found a bed. no, it’s that we heard the tapes wrong. we’re going to listen to them again and we’ll announce another name soon.”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/12/polygamy.suspect/index.html
5. the oil-for-food, drugs, and blood administration today announced that 23 people in 14 states had eaten malt-o-meal cereal. “then they got sick.” authorities are urging anyone else who, for some reason, might have purchased malt-o-meal not to eat it. “or flush it down the toilet. or turn your back on it.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351017,00.html
6. chelsea clinton, who looks nothing at all like web hubbell, denied that her mother was having an affair with colombian trade lobbyist bill clinton. then matt keating, a 31 year old lane community college college student (snicker), asked her if she thought her mother would consider the vp slot on the democratic ticket. chelsea told him he was making “a lot of assumptions in that question.” then she didn’t answer it.
afterwards, keating reluctantly admitted that he still supports obama over hillary, in spite of chelsea’s sparkling wit. “it’s difficult not to be charmed by someone so well-spoken. they have to be really, really ugly.”
http://www.oregonlive.com/politics/index.ssf/2008/04/chelsea_clinton_tangles_verbal.html
7. bill “just relax and let this happen” clinton today loudly defended his wife’s decision to let tuzla-gate fade away. “they treated her (they? who’s they?) like she’d robbed a bank or something. like she did at madison guaranty. this is nothing like that. this is more like when i spitzered on that intern. and that was no biggie. oh, and hillary doesn’t want me bring up vince foster, either, so i won’t. or web hubbell. and yes, i am chelsea’s father. more or less. buy more coffee! peace, i’m outta here.”
now, say it without snickering: “the first gentleman.”
1. john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain criticized barack “can i get an amen?” obama for blaming the republican-managed economy for white voter bitterness in pennsylvania. “as i pointed out before, white, wholesome, gun-toting, bible hugging white midwesterners like dick cheney are bitter about hispanic immigrants stealing their minimum wage jobs, not about the bush/cheney administration flushing every job down a chinese toilet.” then “tailgunner joe” lieberman tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. then mccain dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sirota/mccain-said-it-before-he_b_96314.html
2. hillary “colombian supremo” clinton, crashing and burning in pennsylvania polls, cackled at the notion that she would quit the race if she doesn’t win pennsylvania by a big margin. then she cackled at barack “typical white person” obama for blaming the clinton-bush economy for white voter bitterness in the keystone state. “rednecks don’t cling to their faith and the hunting rifles they use to provide food for their kids out of fear of having another million of their jobs flushed down a chinese toilet at walmart. no, everybody knows that rednecks tote guns and bibles for protection from you-know-whats. and i can’t say i blame them.” then she flipped richardson the bird. then she winked at lieberman. then lieberman blew cheney a kiss. then cheney shot a mccain lobbyist in the face. then mccain said, “thank you sir. may i have another?” then he dozed off.
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/trackback.aspx?PostID=303850
3. pennsylvania governor ed “jews for jesus. and hillary” rendell predicted that hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton would not win pennsylvania in a blowout. “like i did.” then he asked richardson how he sleeps at night. “i’m not saying i’ve changed my mind about my endorsement. i’m just saying . . .” then he winked at lieberman. then lieberman nudged mccain. then mccain bit the head off a rosie o’donnell doll. then rosie tied elisabeth “with an s, like sebra” hasselbeck’s bra in a granny knot. then bill asked her to tie a bag over chelsea’s head. then monica snickered. then chelsea spit gum in her hair.
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/archive/2008/04/11/is-hillary-preparing-to-move-the-goalposts-on-pennsylvania.aspx
4. texas (motto: “we never railroad anybody”) authorities “may have made a mistake” when they suspected dale “seven’ll get you eleven” barlow of marrying runaway bride sarah “the invisible girl” barlow. “it’s not that sarah is a totally made-up victim, or that our warrants were based on totally made-up phone calls. sarah is real. in fact, she’s so real, there are four of her. besides, we found a bed. no, it’s that we heard the tapes wrong. we’re going to listen to them again and we’ll announce another name soon.”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/12/polygamy.suspect/index.html
5. the oil-for-food, drugs, and blood administration today announced that 23 people in 14 states had eaten malt-o-meal cereal. “then they got sick.” authorities are urging anyone else who, for some reason, might have purchased malt-o-meal not to eat it. “or flush it down the toilet. or turn your back on it.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351017,00.html
6. chelsea clinton, who looks nothing at all like web hubbell, denied that her mother was having an affair with colombian trade lobbyist bill clinton. then matt keating, a 31 year old lane community college college student (snicker), asked her if she thought her mother would consider the vp slot on the democratic ticket. chelsea told him he was making “a lot of assumptions in that question.” then she didn’t answer it.
afterwards, keating reluctantly admitted that he still supports obama over hillary, in spite of chelsea’s sparkling wit. “it’s difficult not to be charmed by someone so well-spoken. they have to be really, really ugly.”
http://www.oregonlive.com/politics/index.ssf/2008/04/chelsea_clinton_tangles_verbal.html
7. bill “just relax and let this happen” clinton today loudly defended his wife’s decision to let tuzla-gate fade away. “they treated her (they? who’s they?) like she’d robbed a bank or something. like she did at madison guaranty. this is nothing like that. this is more like when i spitzered on that intern. and that was no biggie. oh, and hillary doesn’t want me bring up vince foster, either, so i won’t. or web hubbell. and yes, i am chelsea’s father. more or less. buy more coffee! peace, i’m outta here.”
now, say it without snickering: “the first gentleman.”
All this "bitter" nonsense is making me ... hmm, what's the word?
Thanks for the comment on the SF Weekly's blog.
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