chelsea loves lindsey, obama loves nixon, rosie loves martha
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. “this is the helping hand collection agency. our records indicate—”
1. in pennsylvania, the Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, with a tasteful scarf from bergdorf’s screening her face, boasted about her “mother’s” close connections to republican senator lindsey “you say obama, i say osama, you say romney, i say chelsea’s moma” graham. “and if my mom can like him, then why would any democrat not vote for mccain?” then she blew a kiss to lieberman. then lieberman jumped. then monica snickered. then chelsea spit gum in her hair. then rosie o’donnell howled. then mccain dozed off.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24041662/
2. rosie “a voice that could stop a tuzla sniper bullet” o’donnell, appearing on the martha stewart show, which for some bizarre reason seems to be back on the air, called her former view cohost elisabeth “can’t touch this” hasselbeck “a little republican who scared me.” hasselbeck called rosie “the great big angry lesbian who scared me and a lot of other women and children.” then martha showed rosie her prison tattoos. then they made prison sangria in the men’s room toilet. then they made out.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/09/texas.ranch/index.html
3. barack “nixon went to china and all i got was this lousy party of losers” obama revealed his plan for ending the war in iraq by involving iraq’s neighbors, like iran, who have a stake in the future of the region and who are building nuclear weapons because they, if no one else, believe the promises of the bush administration. “the democratically elected (mark penn snickered) prime minister of iraq, al-maliki, says he wants to build a peaceful relationship with iran. the not-so democratically elected president of iran (cheney snickered) says he wants to assist in rebuilding the shiite (mccain snickered, but it sounded like “al qaeda,” so lieberman shushed him. then winked.) regions of iraq and help keep the peace there. and i say, why wait for an october surprise?” then john sears snickered.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,349113,00.html
4. john “i can’t wait to be a bush” mccain today poo-pooed barack o’bama’s plan to stop forcing iran to be an enemy of the united states. “the bush administration’s policy of making war on the whole world at once, with no help from any other country, is obviously going swell. just ask hillary. i think that letting iraq get along with iran and letting iran carry some of the burden for keeping the peace in iraq is exactly the kind of foreign policy that might remove some of the incentive for countries like iran to build their own nuclear weapons. and no right-thinking person wants that. besides, i got shot down over vietnam, and if anybody knows about keeping a quagmire going for three presidencies, it’s my generation. just ask hillary. besides, lieberman says the isreali lobby doesn’t like obama. just ask hillary. besides, cheney doesn’t like obama. besides, ferarro doesn’t like obama. besides, bill doesn’t like obama. the white bill, not the brown one. just ask hillary. besides, rush limbaugh doesn’t like obama. besides—” then he dozed off.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/04/09/mccain-slaps-obama-suggestion-for-diplomatic-surge-with-iran/
5. on wednesday, hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton poo-pooed obama’s assertion that he had more foreign policy experience than she did. “i don’t know. i’m speechless. i mean, you know, making an assertion like that belies the facts and the record, facts like my combat tour in bosnia and my nobel prize i got for ending the war in dharfur and the other nobel prize i got for winning al gore an oscar for inventing global warming, and the record i set for number of consecutive nights i stayed up past 3 am waiting for chelsea’s father to call. i’m speechless.” then she claimed to be opposed to bush’s war policy. then she winked at mccain. then he winked back. then she blew a kiss to lieberman. then the president of israel, the one born in iran, i’m not saying anything, i’m just saying, got lipstick on his collar.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/04/clintonspeechle.html
6. texas “we never arrested a suspect we didn’t convict” authorities, acting on a totally true, not made up, no way, anonymous tip from a girl no one has ever seen, raided a little house on the prairie reenactment club resort last week, looking for evidence of sex. “we found a bed,” prosecutors announced on wednesday. “and we all know what people do in bed.” texas authorities confiscated 416 children and teenagers who were “in danger of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. probably. according to the anonymous phone call we received.” and placed them in foster care. “as everyone knows, nothing bad ever happens to kids in foster care. certainly not sexual abuse.”
texas authorities were acting on totally true, not made up, no way, “information” provided by one anonymous tipster who claimed that the group were marrying off girls as young as 12 or thirteen to adult male polygamists. “and we all know what married people do. especially polygamists.” the only evidence justifying the raid came from two cell phone calls texas authorities claim to have received from a girl they have not actually found. yet. “but we know she was telling the truth because we found a bed. a bed that had been slept in. a bed with a girl’s hair in it. we know it was a girl’s hair because it was long. we know it wasn’t an adult woman’s hair because there’s nothing illegal about a woman sleeping in a bed.”
texas authorities say they plan to bring in noted sex forensic expert monica lewinsky to examine the bed linens “for signs of you-know-what.” then lindsey graham snickered.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,349113,00.html
1. in pennsylvania, the Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, with a tasteful scarf from bergdorf’s screening her face, boasted about her “mother’s” close connections to republican senator lindsey “you say obama, i say osama, you say romney, i say chelsea’s moma” graham. “and if my mom can like him, then why would any democrat not vote for mccain?” then she blew a kiss to lieberman. then lieberman jumped. then monica snickered. then chelsea spit gum in her hair. then rosie o’donnell howled. then mccain dozed off.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24041662/
2. rosie “a voice that could stop a tuzla sniper bullet” o’donnell, appearing on the martha stewart show, which for some bizarre reason seems to be back on the air, called her former view cohost elisabeth “can’t touch this” hasselbeck “a little republican who scared me.” hasselbeck called rosie “the great big angry lesbian who scared me and a lot of other women and children.” then martha showed rosie her prison tattoos. then they made prison sangria in the men’s room toilet. then they made out.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/09/texas.ranch/index.html
3. barack “nixon went to china and all i got was this lousy party of losers” obama revealed his plan for ending the war in iraq by involving iraq’s neighbors, like iran, who have a stake in the future of the region and who are building nuclear weapons because they, if no one else, believe the promises of the bush administration. “the democratically elected (mark penn snickered) prime minister of iraq, al-maliki, says he wants to build a peaceful relationship with iran. the not-so democratically elected president of iran (cheney snickered) says he wants to assist in rebuilding the shiite (mccain snickered, but it sounded like “al qaeda,” so lieberman shushed him. then winked.) regions of iraq and help keep the peace there. and i say, why wait for an october surprise?” then john sears snickered.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,349113,00.html
4. john “i can’t wait to be a bush” mccain today poo-pooed barack o’bama’s plan to stop forcing iran to be an enemy of the united states. “the bush administration’s policy of making war on the whole world at once, with no help from any other country, is obviously going swell. just ask hillary. i think that letting iraq get along with iran and letting iran carry some of the burden for keeping the peace in iraq is exactly the kind of foreign policy that might remove some of the incentive for countries like iran to build their own nuclear weapons. and no right-thinking person wants that. besides, i got shot down over vietnam, and if anybody knows about keeping a quagmire going for three presidencies, it’s my generation. just ask hillary. besides, lieberman says the isreali lobby doesn’t like obama. just ask hillary. besides, cheney doesn’t like obama. besides, ferarro doesn’t like obama. besides, bill doesn’t like obama. the white bill, not the brown one. just ask hillary. besides, rush limbaugh doesn’t like obama. besides—” then he dozed off.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/04/09/mccain-slaps-obama-suggestion-for-diplomatic-surge-with-iran/
5. on wednesday, hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton poo-pooed obama’s assertion that he had more foreign policy experience than she did. “i don’t know. i’m speechless. i mean, you know, making an assertion like that belies the facts and the record, facts like my combat tour in bosnia and my nobel prize i got for ending the war in dharfur and the other nobel prize i got for winning al gore an oscar for inventing global warming, and the record i set for number of consecutive nights i stayed up past 3 am waiting for chelsea’s father to call. i’m speechless.” then she claimed to be opposed to bush’s war policy. then she winked at mccain. then he winked back. then she blew a kiss to lieberman. then the president of israel, the one born in iran, i’m not saying anything, i’m just saying, got lipstick on his collar.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/04/clintonspeechle.html
6. texas “we never arrested a suspect we didn’t convict” authorities, acting on a totally true, not made up, no way, anonymous tip from a girl no one has ever seen, raided a little house on the prairie reenactment club resort last week, looking for evidence of sex. “we found a bed,” prosecutors announced on wednesday. “and we all know what people do in bed.” texas authorities confiscated 416 children and teenagers who were “in danger of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. probably. according to the anonymous phone call we received.” and placed them in foster care. “as everyone knows, nothing bad ever happens to kids in foster care. certainly not sexual abuse.”
texas authorities were acting on totally true, not made up, no way, “information” provided by one anonymous tipster who claimed that the group were marrying off girls as young as 12 or thirteen to adult male polygamists. “and we all know what married people do. especially polygamists.” the only evidence justifying the raid came from two cell phone calls texas authorities claim to have received from a girl they have not actually found. yet. “but we know she was telling the truth because we found a bed. a bed that had been slept in. a bed with a girl’s hair in it. we know it was a girl’s hair because it was long. we know it wasn’t an adult woman’s hair because there’s nothing illegal about a woman sleeping in a bed.”
texas authorities say they plan to bring in noted sex forensic expert monica lewinsky to examine the bed linens “for signs of you-know-what.” then lindsey graham snickered.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,349113,00.html
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