1. hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton raised 20 million dollars in march alone. “i’m broke. i’m so broke i can’t even pay for replacement bags to put over chelsea’s head. i’m so broke i can’t even pay for bill’s 976 numbers this month. i’m so broke i can’t even pay bill’s emperor’s club dues this month. i’m so broke i can’t even pay for maggie williams’s sub-prime lender of the month club dues this month. i’m so broke i can’t even pay for edwards’s haircut this month.”

2. john “some of my best friends are joe lieberman” mccain took steps today to re-organize his campaign finances (so that he can use taxpayer money) by sending out letters to his existing donors. “thanks for the check. please send another one to the following address. as soon as—” then he dozed off.

3. the Great White Hope threatened to seize power as the nations first poverty czar. “there is a huge difference in this country between the number of poor people and the number of rich people. my new 1371-page tax plan will erase that difference completely.”

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/04/clinton-calls-for-poverty-czar/

4. mcbain appeared with gal-pal godzillary in memphis on friday, to mark the anniversary of the assassination of african-american leader martin luther king, jr. “we just thought we’d take a day off from campaigning for each other to come here and once again shoot—i mean, salute—america’s last great black leader.” a reporter asked clinton what she thought her chances were, now. “one shot in a million.” then she cackled. then the ghost of richard nixon snickered. then the ghost of ronald reagan snickered. then the ghost of vince foster snickered. then mcbain snickered.

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/04/the-early-word-remembering-mlk-jr/

5. noting new unemployment figures, john “lobbyists make great friends” mccain today noted that under this republican administration, the economy was tanking. fast. like 1929, only with more iphone debris. “we can’t afford deadbeat democrats like whitezillary right now. we can’t even afford the republicans we’ve got. that other guy seems pretty flush. you know who i mean? the you-know-what. ask him if he could loan us some money.”

http://thehill.com/campaign-2008/mccain-job-loss-shows-country-cant-afford-dems-2008-04-04.html

6. mark “meet me in the lobby” penn, hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton’s campaign strategist, today met with his client, colombia, to discuss how best to lobby congress to approve a proposed new trade deal. the one hillary “opposes.” the one she says she opposes. the one her campaign strategist, mark penn advised her to oppose as part of her strategy. her strategy to “win.” the deal he charged his client ten million dollars to get passed. the deal that his client opposes. says she opposes. was advised to oppose. by the guy who is hired to get it passed. the guy who told her to say she opposes it. to get it passed. like other clients that penn represents and hillary opposes. says she opposes.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120726769569388303.html?mod=special_page_campaign2008_leftbox

7. john “with republicans like these, who needs hillary” mccain today admitted that he was “wrong to have opposed a national holiday for martin luther king, jr. in fact, i’m looking forward to one day celebrating barack obama day with my friends.” then he snickered. then he winked at hillary “some of my best friends are ferarro” clinton. then they both snickered. then bill snickered. then mccain asked for secret service protection. then he dozed off.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/04/mccain-says-he-was-wrong-to-oppose-mlk-day/

8. i'm a chemical brothers fan. get over it.