politiqs by jonq
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Miss Antoinette Cressida Martier has power over men. She does not need her deluded mother or her envious half-sisters to run her life. She does not need Deputy Prosecutor Jerry V Slovak to choose a father for her one-year-old daughter, Ariel. She does not need a siliconed moose named Crystalle angling for her job. All Cress needs is a new outfit, a box of condoms, and one Good Idea from the book, Psycho-Astrology: Stars, Sex and Power on how to get rid of her ex-boyfriend, Troy. Before Monday.
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politiqs by jonq
obama prompts, kim stompts
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. the black panthers are tucked safely into bed. downstairs, a flibbertijibbet is banging on his teleprompter while the Loch Ness Monster performs "memory" on a chinese TV from wal-mart. upstairs, a woman in bifocals and a tuzla-proof pants suit is on the Red phone with a matriculated single mother in alaska. "yes, they have nukes. yes, they have a missile capable of reaching alaska. yes, chelsea is available to babysit saturday night."
1. president of the "united" states, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're reading kennedy speeches off a teleprompter" obama, assured american home "owners" that their mortgage companies will survive the recession. "even if you don't. uh, look. my plan to rescue general motors from reality has failed. my plan to rescue citibank from reality has failed. my plan to rescue afghanistan from reality has failed. but that does not mean that my plan to rescue bill's donor list from dubya's victorious foreign policy can't drag you down with it. lieberman uber alles!"
2. north korean "president" kim "where have all the flowers gone?" jong-il, fed up with trying to use the "touch" screen on his blackberry storm, launched six nuclear-armed missiles at bristol "where have all the cowboys gone?" palin's post-graduation party. then secretary of state hillary "if you can't beat 'em, show 'em your donor list" clinton did nothing. "lieberman told me not to do anything until tzipi livni said so." then the united nations (motto: "fixing the world's problems since korea, 1949!") did nothing. "arlan specter told us not to do anything until lieberman said so." then china did nothing. "we're watching lebron james on the 1080p TVs chelsea gave us for chinese new year. and tell feinstein these crab-meat kreplachs suck."
3. supreme court nominee sonia "the bronx burrito" sotomayor defended her past comments against charges of reverse racism from dick "dick" cheney. "politicians every day get up in all types of fora and make what I consider the most ridiculous arguments, some of them illegal. but be honest. would you rather see a nice, plump, straight-A mamasita on the bench, or a sneering, pasty-faced, whiskey-drinking, red-baiting, sheep-ranching, rich-white-asshole-shooting, turban-dunking, lesbian-spawning abortion clinic bomber? oh, wait, i see your point."
1. president of the "united" states, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're reading kennedy speeches off a teleprompter" obama, assured american home "owners" that their mortgage companies will survive the recession. "even if you don't. uh, look. my plan to rescue general motors from reality has failed. my plan to rescue citibank from reality has failed. my plan to rescue afghanistan from reality has failed. but that does not mean that my plan to rescue bill's donor list from dubya's victorious foreign policy can't drag you down with it. lieberman uber alles!"
2. north korean "president" kim "where have all the flowers gone?" jong-il, fed up with trying to use the "touch" screen on his blackberry storm, launched six nuclear-armed missiles at bristol "where have all the cowboys gone?" palin's post-graduation party. then secretary of state hillary "if you can't beat 'em, show 'em your donor list" clinton did nothing. "lieberman told me not to do anything until tzipi livni said so." then the united nations (motto: "fixing the world's problems since korea, 1949!") did nothing. "arlan specter told us not to do anything until lieberman said so." then china did nothing. "we're watching lebron james on the 1080p TVs chelsea gave us for chinese new year. and tell feinstein these crab-meat kreplachs suck."
3. supreme court nominee sonia "the bronx burrito" sotomayor defended her past comments against charges of reverse racism from dick "dick" cheney. "politicians every day get up in all types of fora and make what I consider the most ridiculous arguments, some of them illegal. but be honest. would you rather see a nice, plump, straight-A mamasita on the bench, or a sneering, pasty-faced, whiskey-drinking, red-baiting, sheep-ranching, rich-white-asshole-shooting, turban-dunking, lesbian-spawning abortion clinic bomber? oh, wait, i see your point."
Seed Newsvine 
obama fist bumps specter
it's 3 am. the white girls are are tucked safely in bed. visions of sugarplum stimulus contracts dance in their heads. a woman in bifocals and a "i heart nancy" pants suit picks up the Phone. it's a flibbertijibbet with cheese grater abs. "tell the ayatollah that if he gives up his nuke program, he'll get one date with chelsea. if he doesn't, it'll be two dates. lieberman uber alles!"
1. diehard philadelphia shegles fan and part-time US senator arlen "when the going gets tough, the israeli lobby switches parties" specter switched his "allegiance" to the "democratic" party. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he endorsed republican candidate norm "when the going gets tough, the tough ask for a recount" coleman for senator from minnesota. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he voted against fellow "democrat" barack obama's budget. then he voted against obama's plan to let banks adjust bad mortgages to help gentiles. then he voted against a bill that would require chelsea to keep the bag on her head. then senate majority "leader" harry "when the going gets tough, the tough get tzipi livni to endorse their senate campaigns" reid stripped specter of his seniority. then hillary "what's one gentile in the white house, more or less?" clinton showed reid her "husband's" donor list. then reid saw the light. then dick "when the going gets tough, the tough take one more bribe" durbin gave up his chair to specter. "as the other senator from illinois, you know, the one NOT to be confused with abraham lincoln, i felt it was my duty to israel to welcome such a fine legislator into the fold. even if he is a stinking eagles fan."
2. rand "not to be confused with ron paul. like it matters" paul, son of "republican" presidential "candidate" ron "i ran for president, and all i got was this lousy "dick, cheney, dick!' t-shirt" paul, announced he is running for president. "or senator. or dog-catcher. hey, is that commerce department job still open?"
3. former "president" bill "i balanced the budget, and all i got was this lousy "yes, she can!" t-shirt" clinton, "husband" of extremely well-qualified, not to mention fully vetted, secretary of state hillary "vince, we hardly knew ye" clinton, endorsed terry "i'd touch that with a ten-foot poll" mcauliffe for governor of virginia. patrick "there are a lot more of us than you think" kennedy, son of "senator" ted "has anyone seen my gal?" kennedy, endorsed brian "bugsy" moran. then chelsea endorsed al gore for a daytime emmy. then caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy endorsed arlan specter for miss california usa. whatever the hell that is.
4. star trek the umteenth motion picture 6.47 sequel to the prequel, no, the tv series prequel, not one of the umteen movies, motion picture, if you want to call a computer animated game commercial a motion picture, motion picture opened in umteen theaters and made more money than general motors lost. then shooting began on the "i dream of jeannie" movie. then an irredeemable son of a bitch had the big o.
1. diehard philadelphia shegles fan and part-time US senator arlen "when the going gets tough, the israeli lobby switches parties" specter switched his "allegiance" to the "democratic" party. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he endorsed republican candidate norm "when the going gets tough, the tough ask for a recount" coleman for senator from minnesota. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he voted against fellow "democrat" barack obama's budget. then he voted against obama's plan to let banks adjust bad mortgages to help gentiles. then he voted against a bill that would require chelsea to keep the bag on her head. then senate majority "leader" harry "when the going gets tough, the tough get tzipi livni to endorse their senate campaigns" reid stripped specter of his seniority. then hillary "what's one gentile in the white house, more or less?" clinton showed reid her "husband's" donor list. then reid saw the light. then dick "when the going gets tough, the tough take one more bribe" durbin gave up his chair to specter. "as the other senator from illinois, you know, the one NOT to be confused with abraham lincoln, i felt it was my duty to israel to welcome such a fine legislator into the fold. even if he is a stinking eagles fan."
2. rand "not to be confused with ron paul. like it matters" paul, son of "republican" presidential "candidate" ron "i ran for president, and all i got was this lousy "dick, cheney, dick!' t-shirt" paul, announced he is running for president. "or senator. or dog-catcher. hey, is that commerce department job still open?"
3. former "president" bill "i balanced the budget, and all i got was this lousy "yes, she can!" t-shirt" clinton, "husband" of extremely well-qualified, not to mention fully vetted, secretary of state hillary "vince, we hardly knew ye" clinton, endorsed terry "i'd touch that with a ten-foot poll" mcauliffe for governor of virginia. patrick "there are a lot more of us than you think" kennedy, son of "senator" ted "has anyone seen my gal?" kennedy, endorsed brian "bugsy" moran. then chelsea endorsed al gore for a daytime emmy. then caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy endorsed arlan specter for miss california usa. whatever the hell that is.
4. star trek the umteenth motion picture 6.47 sequel to the prequel, no, the tv series prequel, not one of the umteen movies, motion picture, if you want to call a computer animated game commercial a motion picture, motion picture opened in umteen theaters and made more money than general motors lost. then shooting began on the "i dream of jeannie" movie. then an irredeemable son of a bitch had the big o.
obama vetos own bill
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a third-banana pants suit in bifocals is calculating how much kazakh uranium it would take to make chelsea as attractive as susan "i've never been kissed, either, but at least i have an actual talent" boyle when the phone rings. it's the "government" of pakistan. "we're facing an existential dilemma. lieberman says that, our nukes are pretty, but not tzipi livni pretty."
1. as a senator running for president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're cherry-picking the top management of the world's most important corporations" obama introduced a bill extending the deadline for poor black southern farmers to claim their share of a settlement from an anti-discrimination lawsuit against the department of agriculture. as president, obama indicate he would not sign and does not support the bill. "uh, look. the world's richest corporations are being force-fed trillions of dollars of poor black taxpayers' money. it's simply not good politics to give any of that money to poor, black farmers who already voted for me and who were awarded that money by a federal judge. i mean, i'm going to need a job in a couple of years, you know? lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hTyNjxLD4WoFQoyJoU3PMMblaJRQD97MVPTO4
2. representative jane "any friend of lieberman's is a paying customer of mine" harman fought back against allegations that she lobbied the justice department to drop an investigation of an isreali intelligence agent who promised her the chairmanship of the house intelligence committee. "i want to make one thing perfectly clear—i did not get the chair. some hotsnot redhead from california got it. and the speakership, to boot. in a way, i'm an innocent victim here. besides, it's not like i funneled 25 billion dollars to my husband's FDIC piggy bank. besides, it's not like i'm some Dateless Wonder who used my "father's" influence to help flush 2 trillion dollars of america's wealth down a tainted avenue capital group chinese toilet at walmart. besides, lieberman's wife makes lousy knishes."
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a0VhIoWfustY&refer=home
3. The Creature From Avenue Capital Group sold general motors "corporation" to the united auto "workers" union in exchange for 100 "billion" taxpayer dollars and a tainted chinese toilet at wal-mart. then she took dianne "i sold the federal reserve bank to bernie madoff and all my husband got was this lousy 25 billion dollar t-shirt" feinstein to lunch at bristol's Cheesecake Baby Factory. then she went to get a swine flu shot. then obama told her, "there's no need to be alarmed. geithner says it only infects humans, not swine." then she took the bag off her head. then a riot broke out at kent state.
4. godzillary, who came so close to being president that susan "one book about hillary is worth a thousand snickers" estrich could taste it, left the country to make peace between levi and sarah. then the economy started to recover. then she sold an anti-missile system to lieberman. then the kazakh uranium mines began to recover. then she sold new york, new orleans, and newport news to dubai ports world. then bill's donor list began to recover.
1. as a senator running for president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're cherry-picking the top management of the world's most important corporations" obama introduced a bill extending the deadline for poor black southern farmers to claim their share of a settlement from an anti-discrimination lawsuit against the department of agriculture. as president, obama indicate he would not sign and does not support the bill. "uh, look. the world's richest corporations are being force-fed trillions of dollars of poor black taxpayers' money. it's simply not good politics to give any of that money to poor, black farmers who already voted for me and who were awarded that money by a federal judge. i mean, i'm going to need a job in a couple of years, you know? lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hTyNjxLD4WoFQoyJoU3PMMblaJRQD97MVPTO4
2. representative jane "any friend of lieberman's is a paying customer of mine" harman fought back against allegations that she lobbied the justice department to drop an investigation of an isreali intelligence agent who promised her the chairmanship of the house intelligence committee. "i want to make one thing perfectly clear—i did not get the chair. some hotsnot redhead from california got it. and the speakership, to boot. in a way, i'm an innocent victim here. besides, it's not like i funneled 25 billion dollars to my husband's FDIC piggy bank. besides, it's not like i'm some Dateless Wonder who used my "father's" influence to help flush 2 trillion dollars of america's wealth down a tainted avenue capital group chinese toilet at walmart. besides, lieberman's wife makes lousy knishes."
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a0VhIoWfustY&refer=home
3. The Creature From Avenue Capital Group sold general motors "corporation" to the united auto "workers" union in exchange for 100 "billion" taxpayer dollars and a tainted chinese toilet at wal-mart. then she took dianne "i sold the federal reserve bank to bernie madoff and all my husband got was this lousy 25 billion dollar t-shirt" feinstein to lunch at bristol's Cheesecake Baby Factory. then she went to get a swine flu shot. then obama told her, "there's no need to be alarmed. geithner says it only infects humans, not swine." then she took the bag off her head. then a riot broke out at kent state.
4. godzillary, who came so close to being president that susan "one book about hillary is worth a thousand snickers" estrich could taste it, left the country to make peace between levi and sarah. then the economy started to recover. then she sold an anti-missile system to lieberman. then the kazakh uranium mines began to recover. then she sold new york, new orleans, and newport news to dubai ports world. then bill's donor list began to recover.
obama teabags chelsea
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a first wife in a red, white and blue pants suit is talking to the Red Phone on a blackberry storm. "please don't launch any more missiles until the blackberry storm 2 comes out. yes, i know it's three years behind the iphone. yes, i know it still doesn't hold a candle to the iphone. yes, i know verizon sucks. but on the bright side, steve jobs can't live forever."
1. department of homeland "security" chief janet "neopolitan" napolitano, who last week fingered returning u.s. veterans as potential right-wing extremist terrorists, announced that DHS will not focus on returning vets after all. "we're saving our ammunition for the gun lobby. you know, the ones who don't like gay marriage. or free abortions for immigrants. or watching their jobs being flushed down a bailed-out chinese toilet at walmart by Dateless Wonders who look nothing like web hubbell." then texas governor rick "a cow in every pot, and an oil well in every garage" perry threw a secessionitis tea party. "first we're going to add some milk. then we're going to add some sugar. then the south's gonna do It again!"
2. cat lady susan "shock and awe" boyle, who looks like ashley simpson sings and who sings like ashley simpson looks, took the world by youtube storm after her record-shattering debut on england's answer to the Gong Show. chelsea clinton, america's answer to the loch ness monster, immediately went on youtube to terrorize american taxpayers into handing over their tea bag money. "avenue capital group is too big to fail. AIG is too big too fail. GM is too big to fail. versace is too big to fail." then she yanked the bag off her head. then simon cowell gasped. then pebbles the cat gasped. then versace failed, if you catch our drift.
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're making the world safe for democracy. and afghani kablammi" obama, on spring break in mexico, vowed to "come into los angeles, bringing in a couple of keys. don't touch my bags if you please, mr customs man." then he took a couple of hits in the press room. "uh, look. since september 11, we've been ignoring our potential quagmires south of the border. and since texas is going to do It again, i figured now was a good time to get my prescription filled."
4. RIM, "makers" of the blackberry line of connectivity devices, admitted that the blackberry storm "smart" phone is a horrific, microsoft-scale piece of junk. "we were sick and tired of the iphone killing the blackberry, so we decided to sell our own blackberry killer." the company promises that the new blackberry storm 2, scheduled for release only three—count 'em, three—years after the iphone, will "make the zune look like windows vista." customer complaints (and they are legion) about the original storm have been addressed. complaints like, the touchscreen is numb to user touches. complaints like, the blackberry app store doesn't have any apps. complaints like, the wi-fi doesn't work. "we gotcha on that one. the storm doesn't even have wi-fi!" will the storm 2 have wi-fi? "wouldn't you like to know!" the storm 2 promises to have a completely different screen, a completely different operating sytem, a completely different keyboard, and exactly the same results. "this is a totally new and unique iphone killer. it's not really accurate to call the blackberry storm 2 smartphone a blackberry storm. in fact, it shouldn't even be called a smartphone."
1. department of homeland "security" chief janet "neopolitan" napolitano, who last week fingered returning u.s. veterans as potential right-wing extremist terrorists, announced that DHS will not focus on returning vets after all. "we're saving our ammunition for the gun lobby. you know, the ones who don't like gay marriage. or free abortions for immigrants. or watching their jobs being flushed down a bailed-out chinese toilet at walmart by Dateless Wonders who look nothing like web hubbell." then texas governor rick "a cow in every pot, and an oil well in every garage" perry threw a secessionitis tea party. "first we're going to add some milk. then we're going to add some sugar. then the south's gonna do It again!"
2. cat lady susan "shock and awe" boyle, who looks like ashley simpson sings and who sings like ashley simpson looks, took the world by youtube storm after her record-shattering debut on england's answer to the Gong Show. chelsea clinton, america's answer to the loch ness monster, immediately went on youtube to terrorize american taxpayers into handing over their tea bag money. "avenue capital group is too big to fail. AIG is too big too fail. GM is too big to fail. versace is too big to fail." then she yanked the bag off her head. then simon cowell gasped. then pebbles the cat gasped. then versace failed, if you catch our drift.
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're making the world safe for democracy. and afghani kablammi" obama, on spring break in mexico, vowed to "come into los angeles, bringing in a couple of keys. don't touch my bags if you please, mr customs man." then he took a couple of hits in the press room. "uh, look. since september 11, we've been ignoring our potential quagmires south of the border. and since texas is going to do It again, i figured now was a good time to get my prescription filled."
4. RIM, "makers" of the blackberry line of connectivity devices, admitted that the blackberry storm "smart" phone is a horrific, microsoft-scale piece of junk. "we were sick and tired of the iphone killing the blackberry, so we decided to sell our own blackberry killer." the company promises that the new blackberry storm 2, scheduled for release only three—count 'em, three—years after the iphone, will "make the zune look like windows vista." customer complaints (and they are legion) about the original storm have been addressed. complaints like, the touchscreen is numb to user touches. complaints like, the blackberry app store doesn't have any apps. complaints like, the wi-fi doesn't work. "we gotcha on that one. the storm doesn't even have wi-fi!" will the storm 2 have wi-fi? "wouldn't you like to know!" the storm 2 promises to have a completely different screen, a completely different operating sytem, a completely different keyboard, and exactly the same results. "this is a totally new and unique iphone killer. it's not really accurate to call the blackberry storm 2 smartphone a blackberry storm. in fact, it shouldn't even be called a smartphone."
obama bombs obama bowls obama bristols
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a made-in-china pants suit is on the Red Phone with kim jong-il. "is that a rocket in your pocket, or are you just glad to see jay cutler in a bears uniform?" a flibberitijibbet with a bowling ball bag full of afghani kablammi barges in and starts throwing his weight around. "i invented cap-and-trade. i invented hot-or-not. i invented bowling-for-retards. where's my oscar? where's my nobel? where's my emmy?"
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're decriminalizing herbal remedies" obama, america's first "black" president, went on the tonight show with jay leno to defend such policies as paying astronomical bonuses to astronomical failures who ran the global economy into a black hole. "uh, look. if we don't shower these incompetent, white, scumbag lobbyists with taxpayer money, who will? if we don't bomb pakistan into nuclear civil war, who will? if we don't guarantee a regular flow of tainted chinese imports into the homes of america's children, who will? what are you, retarded?" then he went on the internet and gave a "press" conference. "where's the reporter from the chicago sun-times? where's the reporter from the rocky mountain news? where's the reporter from the philadelphia inquirer?"
2. "members" of the Congregation of the Holy Cross, who don't like girls and who know even less about getting one pregnant, if you follow our drift, expressed their moral queasiness over letting stem-cell pitchman barack obama give this year's commencement address at notre dame (translation: "our lady." snicker) university. "what would a protestant flibbertijibbet know about the sanctity of human life? besides, he's never given us one thin dime. besides, he never even played football. besides, michigan state took a dive. i mean, did you SEE that game?"
3. The Thing That Works On Wall Street, who looks less and less like web hubbell the older and older she gets (not that there's anything wrong with having a career instead of a husband, i mean, look how far her mother's gotten without any help from her "father," so don't think for one second i'm suggesting that she's anywhere near "old maid" status, i'm just saying maybe bill should have "fathered" more than one child, if he wants grandchildren,) spent mardi gras at home, dateless, beadless, and sober. "it's not like bristol has a husband, either. besides, what's she ever done for the economy? besides, what's she ever done for versace? besides, i don't give interviews."
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're decriminalizing herbal remedies" obama, america's first "black" president, went on the tonight show with jay leno to defend such policies as paying astronomical bonuses to astronomical failures who ran the global economy into a black hole. "uh, look. if we don't shower these incompetent, white, scumbag lobbyists with taxpayer money, who will? if we don't bomb pakistan into nuclear civil war, who will? if we don't guarantee a regular flow of tainted chinese imports into the homes of america's children, who will? what are you, retarded?" then he went on the internet and gave a "press" conference. "where's the reporter from the chicago sun-times? where's the reporter from the rocky mountain news? where's the reporter from the philadelphia inquirer?"
2. "members" of the Congregation of the Holy Cross, who don't like girls and who know even less about getting one pregnant, if you follow our drift, expressed their moral queasiness over letting stem-cell pitchman barack obama give this year's commencement address at notre dame (translation: "our lady." snicker) university. "what would a protestant flibbertijibbet know about the sanctity of human life? besides, he's never given us one thin dime. besides, he never even played football. besides, michigan state took a dive. i mean, did you SEE that game?"
3. The Thing That Works On Wall Street, who looks less and less like web hubbell the older and older she gets (not that there's anything wrong with having a career instead of a husband, i mean, look how far her mother's gotten without any help from her "father," so don't think for one second i'm suggesting that she's anywhere near "old maid" status, i'm just saying maybe bill should have "fathered" more than one child, if he wants grandchildren,) spent mardi gras at home, dateless, beadless, and sober. "it's not like bristol has a husband, either. besides, what's she ever done for the economy? besides, what's she ever done for versace? besides, i don't give interviews."
obama socks bank jocks
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a flibbertijibbet with a lingering case of Inaugural Ball Hangover Syndrome is prowling around the girls bedroom, looking for a stash of Afghani Kablammi. upstairs, a woman in bifocals and a Dip-Lo-Matic pants suit is on the Red Phone with kim jong (not to be confused with jim kong-al)-il. "we'll gladly pay you tuesday for a scudburger today."
1. america's first "black" president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're stimulating kim jong-il's Gross Domestic Product" obama spent the first month of his "presidency" increasing government spending by "an order of magnitude greater the than the total mass of the moon and jessica simpson combined." then wall street shit a brick. then obama promised to save citibank and bank of america from reality. then wall street shit another brick. then obama promised to win the war in afghanistan, "whether it's worth winning or not." then wall street shit another brick. then obama sent godzillary to make peace with north korea, iran, and france. then wall street ran out of bricks.
2. former "president" bill "take my wife. please" clinton admitted having made mistakes during his own presidency. "why did i bother balancing the budget? why did i bother winning wars with american air power alone? why did i bother setting record low unemployment and inflation and interest rates? what was i thinking?"
3. the u.s. congress, angry that america's "economy" has been driven into the ground by overpaid, underqualified "executives," passed legislation limiting top compensation packages. "we've all seen the results of paying these scumbags too much money to do a lousy job. imagine the results we'll get when we make them work for nothing." then mccain shit a brick. then The Thing That Works On Wall Street shit a brick. then socks shit a brick. then he keeled over dead. then an irredeemable son of a bitch, who was the only person who even knew that socks was still alive in the first place, went into the other room to snicker. then he started blogging off.
1. america's first "black" president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're stimulating kim jong-il's Gross Domestic Product" obama spent the first month of his "presidency" increasing government spending by "an order of magnitude greater the than the total mass of the moon and jessica simpson combined." then wall street shit a brick. then obama promised to save citibank and bank of america from reality. then wall street shit another brick. then obama promised to win the war in afghanistan, "whether it's worth winning or not." then wall street shit another brick. then obama sent godzillary to make peace with north korea, iran, and france. then wall street ran out of bricks.
2. former "president" bill "take my wife. please" clinton admitted having made mistakes during his own presidency. "why did i bother balancing the budget? why did i bother winning wars with american air power alone? why did i bother setting record low unemployment and inflation and interest rates? what was i thinking?"
3. the u.s. congress, angry that america's "economy" has been driven into the ground by overpaid, underqualified "executives," passed legislation limiting top compensation packages. "we've all seen the results of paying these scumbags too much money to do a lousy job. imagine the results we'll get when we make them work for nothing." then mccain shit a brick. then The Thing That Works On Wall Street shit a brick. then socks shit a brick. then he keeled over dead. then an irredeemable son of a bitch, who was the only person who even knew that socks was still alive in the first place, went into the other room to snicker. then he started blogging off.
president barack hussein obama
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. the white girls are sleeping somewhere else tonight. downstairs, a flibbertijibbet is poking through the fridge, looking for one more slice of red-white-and-blue, fat-free, frozen yogurt cake and reciting the Oath. again. downstairs, a woman in bifocals and an unconfirmed pants suit is waiting for the phone to ring. "don't they realize i'm still a senator? don't they realize condoleeza rice is still secretary of state? don't they realize lieberman has bill's donor list?"
1. a black man with the singularly unpolitical name of barack hussein obama, who had absolutely no chance to defeat hillary "stand by your man, if not the father of your daughter" clinton for the democratic party nomination, and who stood even less of a chance of defeating genuine war hero and barbie doll escort john mccain in the general election, and who went on to crush all opposition in the biggest first-term landslide since ronald reagan appointed paul volcker to be secretary of printing money like there was no tomorrow, almost took the oath of office of the president of the united states of america. john g roberts, chief justice of the supreme court of the united states, a title which goes a long way to imply some facility with the text of the u.s. constitution, and, by the way, a george w bush appointee, not that that's any excuse or even an explanation, unless you want it to be, i'm just saying, blew his lines, which he was supposedly reading straight out of the constitution, which, again, he supposedly has read before, or at has at least thumbed through. then everybody started acting like obama was president anyway, waving goodbye to george, who by the way appointed a lot of judges, who, by definition, are not as smart as justice roberts, because if they were, they would have been chief justice, supposedly. then obama appointed paul volcker to be secretary of printing money like there's no tomorrow. then israel pulled out of gaza. then russia turned the heat back on in czechoslavakia, which doesn't technically exist anymore, except in blogs. then oprah pulled out of the race to take obama's seat in the senate. then caroline waited for the senate to confirm hillary. which they haven't yet.
1. a black man with the singularly unpolitical name of barack hussein obama, who had absolutely no chance to defeat hillary "stand by your man, if not the father of your daughter" clinton for the democratic party nomination, and who stood even less of a chance of defeating genuine war hero and barbie doll escort john mccain in the general election, and who went on to crush all opposition in the biggest first-term landslide since ronald reagan appointed paul volcker to be secretary of printing money like there was no tomorrow, almost took the oath of office of the president of the united states of america. john g roberts, chief justice of the supreme court of the united states, a title which goes a long way to imply some facility with the text of the u.s. constitution, and, by the way, a george w bush appointee, not that that's any excuse or even an explanation, unless you want it to be, i'm just saying, blew his lines, which he was supposedly reading straight out of the constitution, which, again, he supposedly has read before, or at has at least thumbed through. then everybody started acting like obama was president anyway, waving goodbye to george, who by the way appointed a lot of judges, who, by definition, are not as smart as justice roberts, because if they were, they would have been chief justice, supposedly. then obama appointed paul volcker to be secretary of printing money like there's no tomorrow. then israel pulled out of gaza. then russia turned the heat back on in czechoslavakia, which doesn't technically exist anymore, except in blogs. then oprah pulled out of the race to take obama's seat in the senate. then caroline waited for the senate to confirm hillary. which they haven't yet.
obama stimulates, caroline underrates
it's 3 am in the new york junior senator's office. the white girls are safely tucked into a CIA-proof bunker. donwstairs, a flibbertijibbet is wearing out the rockers on his abdominizer. upstairs, a woman in bifocals and a resigned pants suit is on the Red Phone with the sultan of dubai. "lieberman says he'll give them three hours a day to move more innocent civilians into the target zones. no, i'm not accepting donations right now. make the check out to caroline schlossberg and mail it to the governor's mansion in albany. he'll see the light."
1. barack "hussein in the membrane" obama reached out to congressional republicans with the velvet end of his crowbar in order to stimulate support for his 800 "billion" dollar stimulus package. "we need support for this bill from as many people as possible. moveon.org won't support it. ACORN won't support it. lieberman won't support it. al franken won't support it. roland burris won't support it. bill richardson won't support it. reny hoyer won't support it. nancy pelosi won't support it. harry reid won't support it. even democrats won't support it." then he fist-bumped paul "reagan democrat" volcker. then he fist-bumped larry "reagan democrat" summers. then he fist-bumped joe "reagan democrat" lieberman.
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/bulletin/bulletin_090106.htm
2. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, lieberman's IDF is rocketing the price of dubai oil" obama defended his choice of leon "what's billary ever done for me?" panetta as chief of the central "intelligence" agency. "uh, look. somebody's got to keep a blind eye on bill's donor list. and paterson already has his hands full." then he took his shirt off. then katie couric's glasses steamed over. then he pulled out his "stimulus package" and waved it around. then oprah's microphone steamed over. then he pulled out caroline's donor list and waved it under biden's old foreign relations chair. then nancy pelosi's gavel steamed over.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-panettajan07,0,2704035.story
3. caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy's bid to become new york's new celebrity amateur senator hit a snag when a new poll suggested that new yorkers wouldn't approve of her if joe lieberman himself asked them to do it. then duly elected governor paterson pulled out bill's donor list and waved off the criticism. "i don't want to see this turn into a popularity contest. i don't want to see this turn into some kind of election. i don't want to see this turn into an al franken comedy skit."
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2009/01/06/2009-01-06_caroline_kennedy_unfazed_about_continuin.html
4. al "you know what would be funny? another celebrity amateur in the senate" franken "defeated" norm coleman in the minnesota senatorial "election" by 225 "votes." then franken gave a hilarious victory speech. "first, i'd like to thank ACORN." then he winked at blago. "then i'd like to thank bill's donor list." then he winked at spitzer. "then i'd like to thank fred thompson, caroline kennedy, and al gore's oscar." then he winked at richardson. "lastly, i'd like to thank all my tireless supporters. i work for your now." then he winked at limbaugh.
http://www.startribune.com/politics/national/senate/37112234.html
1. barack "hussein in the membrane" obama reached out to congressional republicans with the velvet end of his crowbar in order to stimulate support for his 800 "billion" dollar stimulus package. "we need support for this bill from as many people as possible. moveon.org won't support it. ACORN won't support it. lieberman won't support it. al franken won't support it. roland burris won't support it. bill richardson won't support it. reny hoyer won't support it. nancy pelosi won't support it. harry reid won't support it. even democrats won't support it." then he fist-bumped paul "reagan democrat" volcker. then he fist-bumped larry "reagan democrat" summers. then he fist-bumped joe "reagan democrat" lieberman.
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/bulletin/bulletin_090106.htm
2. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, lieberman's IDF is rocketing the price of dubai oil" obama defended his choice of leon "what's billary ever done for me?" panetta as chief of the central "intelligence" agency. "uh, look. somebody's got to keep a blind eye on bill's donor list. and paterson already has his hands full." then he took his shirt off. then katie couric's glasses steamed over. then he pulled out his "stimulus package" and waved it around. then oprah's microphone steamed over. then he pulled out caroline's donor list and waved it under biden's old foreign relations chair. then nancy pelosi's gavel steamed over.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-panettajan07,0,2704035.story
3. caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy's bid to become new york's new celebrity amateur senator hit a snag when a new poll suggested that new yorkers wouldn't approve of her if joe lieberman himself asked them to do it. then duly elected governor paterson pulled out bill's donor list and waved off the criticism. "i don't want to see this turn into a popularity contest. i don't want to see this turn into some kind of election. i don't want to see this turn into an al franken comedy skit."
4. al "you know what would be funny? another celebrity amateur in the senate" franken "defeated" norm coleman in the minnesota senatorial "election" by 225 "votes." then franken gave a hilarious victory speech. "first, i'd like to thank ACORN." then he winked at blago. "then i'd like to thank bill's donor list." then he winked at spitzer. "then i'd like to thank fred thompson, caroline kennedy, and al gore's oscar." then he winked at richardson. "lastly, i'd like to thank all my tireless supporters. i work for your now." then he winked at limbaugh.
http://www.startribune.com/politics/national/senate/37112234.html
obama praises, caroline raises, franken amazes
it's 3 am in the new york junior senator's office. the white girls, wiped out from new year's eve, are crashed on the donated sofas. downstairs, a flibbertijibbet is throwing his weight around. "i won colorado. i won illinois. i won new york. where's my fat-free, green-tea-saffron frogurt? where's my green-tea-saffron nicotine patch? where's my abdominizer?" upstairs, a housewife in bifocals and a "nominated" pants suit is cleaning out her desk when the phone rings. it's a celebrity senate candidate. "yes, i know i'm supposed to be out by the 20th. yes, i know who your father was. yes, i know who your uncles were. no, i don't know where my husband is. try the honeymoon suite of the motel six in dubai."
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, hand-picked amateurs are taking their seats in the senate" obama praised colorado governor bill "i never met a velvet crowbar i didn't like" ritter's appointment of michael bennet to the u.s. senate. "filling ken salazar's boots in the senate is a tall order. but in selecting michael bennet, governor ritter has made an excellent choice. and no one's knuckles got busted. filling hillary's pants suit in the senate is another tall order. you'd have to be blind not to see caro-k's qualifications." then he started waving bill's donor list around. then he started waving caroline's donor list around. then he started waving oprah's donor list around.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/03/obama-praises-new-colorado-sen-bennet/
2 . minnesota state canvassing board chairman, democrat mark ritchie, vowed "to continue canvassing and canvassing and canvassing" until celebrity senate candidate al "hilariously qualified" franken is elected to the u.s. senate. "look at fred thompson. look at caroline kennedy. look at oprah winfrey. lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/03/minnesota.senate.recount/index.html
3. caroline "all i want is what's coming to me. all i want is my fair share" kennedy explained why she, alone among new york policy makers, has never been required to file financial disclosure forms while she "worked" for the NYC department of education. "you know bill didn't have to show his donor list to anyone but bam-o. you know oprah didn't have to show her donor list to anyone but bam-o. you know bam-o didn't have to show his donor list to anyone but lieberman. who do you write for? cosmo? playgirl? the new york times?"
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/04/nyregion/04disclose.html?ref=politics
4. the san diego dischargers, left for dead by an irredeemable son of a bitch, obliterated the "indianapolis" dolts' playoff chances. well, darren "anything LT can do, i can do better" sproles did.
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, hand-picked amateurs are taking their seats in the senate" obama praised colorado governor bill "i never met a velvet crowbar i didn't like" ritter's appointment of michael bennet to the u.s. senate. "filling ken salazar's boots in the senate is a tall order. but in selecting michael bennet, governor ritter has made an excellent choice. and no one's knuckles got busted. filling hillary's pants suit in the senate is another tall order. you'd have to be blind not to see caro-k's qualifications." then he started waving bill's donor list around. then he started waving caroline's donor list around. then he started waving oprah's donor list around.
2 . minnesota state canvassing board chairman, democrat mark ritchie, vowed "to continue canvassing and canvassing and canvassing" until celebrity senate candidate al "hilariously qualified" franken is elected to the u.s. senate. "look at fred thompson. look at caroline kennedy. look at oprah winfrey. lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/03/minnesota.senate.recount/index.html
3. caroline "all i want is what's coming to me. all i want is my fair share" kennedy explained why she, alone among new york policy makers, has never been required to file financial disclosure forms while she "worked" for the NYC department of education. "you know bill didn't have to show his donor list to anyone but bam-o. you know oprah didn't have to show her donor list to anyone but bam-o. you know bam-o didn't have to show his donor list to anyone but lieberman. who do you write for? cosmo? playgirl? the new york times?"
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/04/nyregion/04disclose.html?ref=politics
4. the san diego dischargers, left for dead by an irredeemable son of a bitch, obliterated the "indianapolis" dolts' playoff chances. well, darren "anything LT can do, i can do better" sproles did.
JoBu at tres hombres, carbondale (motto: proud home of mayor brad "rent to own" cole!) illinois.
godzillary drops the big one!
it's 3 am. the white girls are allowed to stay up late tonight. a flibbertijibbet is doing 500 crunches on the beach at maui. a woman in bifocals and a nostalgic pants suit is in new york city, dropping the Big One on 2008. in foggy bottom, there's a call on the Red Phone. "no, she's not here. this is her placeholder speaking. well, show him my donor list. he'll see the light!"
1. microsoft (motto: "why do people keep giving us their money? why?") blamed—you guessed it—someone else for the simultaneous crash of their zune (pronounced the way it's spelled: like a blowfly getting sucked up a horse's patoosis) portable media "players" on new year's eve. "apparently some bureaucrat has been tacking an extra day onto february every four years. who knew? we just thank god no one actually bought one." then they issued instructions for fixing the problem. "step 1: let the battery go dead. completely dead. step 2: recharge the battery. completely. step 3: put the zune, the headphones, the box, and any and all accessories completely into the garbage. step 4: buy an iPod. or better yet, an iPhone. step 5: forget you ever heard of microsoft." then they issued a warning. "frankly, we have no idea which ridiculously flawed product of ours will fail next, or when it will fail, or what horrifying consequences there might be. for example, our software controls traffic light systems. i think. it used to, anyway. the point is, windows vista is probably the best thing we've ever made. think about that when you're tucking your kids into bed tonight."
http://www.mercurynews.com/inhindsight/ci_11357604
2. new york state assembly speaker sheldon "did i say unqualified? i meant undenied" silver unexpectedly, completely, and unequivocally endorsed caroline "that's what it says on my driver's license" kennedy to keep godzillary's senate seat moist until the "election" in 2010. "this is not a flip-flop. this is not a reversal. this is not a hypocrisy. bam-o simply faxed me a copy of bill's donor list, and i saw the light. lieberman uber alles!" then he winked at bloomberg. then he winked at blago. then he winked at paterson. "what are you, blind?" then he winked at oprah.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jn3kCOceMPF7iuG4FzHbl_EgrQZgD95EOE300
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/nyregion/03caroline.html?em
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, rahmbo's busting somebody's knuckles out behind the governor's mansion" obama returned from his "vacation" in hawaii just in time to drive the final nail in the coffin of the clinton dynasty. "uh, look. when i promised to keep fitzgerald as federal prosecutor in chicago in return for the "justice" department busting hand-picked clinton golden boy spitzer BEFORE the convention, it was so the kennedys could ride my bandwagon back to power. do you really think i'm going to let paterson forget who made him? do you really think i'm going to let roland burris steal oprah's senate seat out from under me? do you really think i'm going to forget i've got bill's donor list in my pocket? do you really think i'm going to let some uppity runner-up stop me from packing the senate with hand-picked amateurs?" then he winked at illinois runner-up pat "what's good for oprah is good for me" quinn. then he winked at ehud "what's good for tzipi livni is good for dubai oil prices" olmert. then he winked at joe "what's good for barbequed gaza urchin strips is good for kazakh uranium prices" lieberman.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/03/AR2009010300721.html
4. the totally legal, if not convincingly ethical, state of israel continued bombing the bejeezus out of various suspected hamas (motto: "it's not easy making hezbollah look reasonable") strongholds in the gaza strip. "look. the nazis rounded us up and put us in concentration camps, too, but you didn't see us lobbing rockets at them. some people are just bitter. just because these people lived here for 1400 years does not give them the right to get in our way when we decide to start cashing our international pity checks. besides, lieberman says it's okay. besides, hillary says it's okay. besides, dubya says it's okay. besides, rick warren says it's okay." hamas continued launching paltry rockets into israeli settlements, anyway, in a valiant, if hopeless, attempt to wipe israel off the map without accidentally looking like innocent victims of brutal, immoral, unethical, if totally legal, oppression by a ham-fisted (get it?) hypo-cracy. happy new year.
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/01/01/israel.gaza/
5. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his "comic" strip online: Episodic by tommy jonq
1. microsoft (motto: "why do people keep giving us their money? why?") blamed—you guessed it—someone else for the simultaneous crash of their zune (pronounced the way it's spelled: like a blowfly getting sucked up a horse's patoosis) portable media "players" on new year's eve. "apparently some bureaucrat has been tacking an extra day onto february every four years. who knew? we just thank god no one actually bought one." then they issued instructions for fixing the problem. "step 1: let the battery go dead. completely dead. step 2: recharge the battery. completely. step 3: put the zune, the headphones, the box, and any and all accessories completely into the garbage. step 4: buy an iPod. or better yet, an iPhone. step 5: forget you ever heard of microsoft." then they issued a warning. "frankly, we have no idea which ridiculously flawed product of ours will fail next, or when it will fail, or what horrifying consequences there might be. for example, our software controls traffic light systems. i think. it used to, anyway. the point is, windows vista is probably the best thing we've ever made. think about that when you're tucking your kids into bed tonight."
http://www.mercurynews.com/inhindsight/ci_11357604
2. new york state assembly speaker sheldon "did i say unqualified? i meant undenied" silver unexpectedly, completely, and unequivocally endorsed caroline "that's what it says on my driver's license" kennedy to keep godzillary's senate seat moist until the "election" in 2010. "this is not a flip-flop. this is not a reversal. this is not a hypocrisy. bam-o simply faxed me a copy of bill's donor list, and i saw the light. lieberman uber alles!" then he winked at bloomberg. then he winked at blago. then he winked at paterson. "what are you, blind?" then he winked at oprah.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jn3kCOceMPF7iuG4FzHbl_EgrQZgD95EOE300
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/nyregion/03caroline.html?em
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, rahmbo's busting somebody's knuckles out behind the governor's mansion" obama returned from his "vacation" in hawaii just in time to drive the final nail in the coffin of the clinton dynasty. "uh, look. when i promised to keep fitzgerald as federal prosecutor in chicago in return for the "justice" department busting hand-picked clinton golden boy spitzer BEFORE the convention, it was so the kennedys could ride my bandwagon back to power. do you really think i'm going to let paterson forget who made him? do you really think i'm going to let roland burris steal oprah's senate seat out from under me? do you really think i'm going to forget i've got bill's donor list in my pocket? do you really think i'm going to let some uppity runner-up stop me from packing the senate with hand-picked amateurs?" then he winked at illinois runner-up pat "what's good for oprah is good for me" quinn. then he winked at ehud "what's good for tzipi livni is good for dubai oil prices" olmert. then he winked at joe "what's good for barbequed gaza urchin strips is good for kazakh uranium prices" lieberman.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/03/AR2009010300721.html
4. the totally legal, if not convincingly ethical, state of israel continued bombing the bejeezus out of various suspected hamas (motto: "it's not easy making hezbollah look reasonable") strongholds in the gaza strip. "look. the nazis rounded us up and put us in concentration camps, too, but you didn't see us lobbing rockets at them. some people are just bitter. just because these people lived here for 1400 years does not give them the right to get in our way when we decide to start cashing our international pity checks. besides, lieberman says it's okay. besides, hillary says it's okay. besides, dubya says it's okay. besides, rick warren says it's okay." hamas continued launching paltry rockets into israeli settlements, anyway, in a valiant, if hopeless, attempt to wipe israel off the map without accidentally looking like innocent victims of brutal, immoral, unethical, if totally legal, oppression by a ham-fisted (get it?) hypo-cracy. happy new year.
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/01/01/israel.gaza/
5. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his "comic" strip online: Episodic by tommy jonq
