politiqs by jonq
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GT blog ad When a sexy single mom with Babydaddy Personality Disorder and a taste for exotic, untamed pool boys receives a DNA ultimatum from the Indiana Department of Public Aid, she decides to drown her troubles in the frigid green waters of Lake Michigan. She who laughs last ...
Miss Antoinette Cressida Martier has power over men. She does not need her deluded mother or her envious half-sisters to run her life. She does not need Deputy Prosecutor Jerry V Slovak to choose a father for her one-year-old daughter, Ariel. She does not need a siliconed moose named Crystalle angling for her job. All Cress needs is a new outfit, a box of condoms, and one Good Idea from the book, Psycho-Astrology: Stars, Sex and Power on how to get rid of her ex-boyfriend, Troy. Before Monday.
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politiqs by jonq
an ordinary night in new haven
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a third-place pants suit in bifocals is pounding boilermakers and zooming in on googlemaps of iran. she answers the phone. no one's there.
1. in a landmark moment of heartwarming TV history, oprah "the big O" winfrey, who will do absolutely anything for a daytime emmy, interviewed the woman who had her face ripped off by her friend's pet chimpanzee. then oprah yanked the bag off her head. then susan boyle went ape. then tzipi livni went ape. then chelsea clinton went ape. then "doctor" oz demonstrated the use of acupuncture to soothe a Xanax-addicted ape named bubbles. then "doctor" phil explained how complimenting your wife's new facial and manicure can prevent her from going ape shit at the dinner table. then suzanne "you don't need a medical degree to strike it rich as a TV quack on oprah" sommers shot up with 10 cc's of monkey estrogen and gave birth to octuplets.
2. republican party pinup girl sarah "is that a bull moose party in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin, non-mother-in-law of playgirl pinup boy levi "let it all hang out" johnston, who is the father of palin's grandson, but not the husband of her daughter, published a "book." then NPR went ape shit. then al "i have an oscar and a nobel. where's my pulitzer?" gore, author of his own "book," went ape shit. then katie "who's next? paris hilton on sixty minutes?" couric went ape shit. then joe "meet me in the lobby" lieberman crashed a white house healthcare party. then rahmbo went ape shit.
3. for those of you about to get your playoff hopes up about the minnesota vikings "football" team, here is a helpful synopsis of brett lorenzo (snicker.) favre's playoff history:
1993 season: 24 interceptions, 19 tds, 14 fumbles. lions “win” nfc central. packers make playoffs anyway. packers beat lions anyway. packers lose to cowboys anyway.
1994 season: favre doesn’t suck, packers make playoffs. packers beat lions in wildcard. again. next week, NFL MVP BLF throws zero tds. cowboys beat packers. again.
1995 season: in nfc championship game against cowboys, favre throws zero tds. again.
1996 season: favre is superbowl mvp vs patriots. nowhere to go but down.
1997 season: in superbowl against broncos, on 4th down, favre is blind to antonio freeman’s lonely hearts club meeting in the end zone, throwing underneath to broncos linebacker john mobley instead. the legend begins.
1998 playoffs: wildcard game against 49ers. TO—yes, that TO, in his rookie year—drops four brett favre passes and loses a fumble. jerry rice loses a fumble too, but the “referees” don’t see it that way. 49ers “win.” favre earns one and only one hour of pity.
1999 season: in a preaseason game, favre breaks his own thumb on the helmet of broncos linebacker—john mobley. then he does it again against the raiders on opening day. under “player’s coach” ray rhodes, favre refuses to sit. “it just won’t heal.” packers go 8-8. “I’m too tired to cry today,” favre says after the raiders game.
2000 season: favre launches 16 interceptions, turns in a qb rating of 78.zero, and the packers watch the vikings represent the nfc central in the playoffs. snicker.
2001 playofffs: six, count ‘em six, interceptions, three for TD’s, in one game against the rams.
2002 playoffs: interception AND fumble in 2nd half against: the falcons.
2003 playoffs: throws game-losing interception in OT in philly.
2004 season: packers sweep vikings by duplicate 34-31 scores. vikings stumble into playoffs anyway, losing 7 of their last 10 games, a feat unequaled even in the storied saga that is vikings playoffs history. in wildcard game vs vikings, favre unleashes no less than 4 searing interceptions. some irredeemable sob’s are still snickering to this day.
2005 “season:” thanks to favre’s nfc-leading 372 pass completions, 3881 yards, and 29 interceptions, packers finish 4-12.
2006 season: favre comes out of “retirement” to lead packers to 8-8 record. they somehow lose tie-breaker to giants, who go on to playoffs.
2007 season: in NFC championship game vs giants, favre unloads epic interception in OT.
2008: after the Marriage Made in Heaven melts down into the Divorce from Hell, the afc’s new york bretts start 8-3. favre throws 9 interceptions, 2 td’s down the stretch. no playoffs. favre retires. again.
2009 season: how could you possibly be bored? at WORST, the vikings, the most talented team in the nfl, who have started 9-0, will fade, losing the division to the cutler-resurrected bears, whom the vikings still have to play twice. at BEST, favre, the nfl’s all-time leader in interceptions, could, theoretically, become the first nfl qb to lead two different teams to superbowl championships. (craig “who?” morton qb’d two different losers, the cowboys and the broncos. kurt warner won one for the rams, lost one for the cardinals.) but before you count that chicken, you might want to hatch the egg known as the vikings storied playoff saga . . .
4. an irredeemable son of a bitch made his friend, sherman lasley, into a youtube sensation:
1. in a landmark moment of heartwarming TV history, oprah "the big O" winfrey, who will do absolutely anything for a daytime emmy, interviewed the woman who had her face ripped off by her friend's pet chimpanzee. then oprah yanked the bag off her head. then susan boyle went ape. then tzipi livni went ape. then chelsea clinton went ape. then "doctor" oz demonstrated the use of acupuncture to soothe a Xanax-addicted ape named bubbles. then "doctor" phil explained how complimenting your wife's new facial and manicure can prevent her from going ape shit at the dinner table. then suzanne "you don't need a medical degree to strike it rich as a TV quack on oprah" sommers shot up with 10 cc's of monkey estrogen and gave birth to octuplets.
2. republican party pinup girl sarah "is that a bull moose party in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin, non-mother-in-law of playgirl pinup boy levi "let it all hang out" johnston, who is the father of palin's grandson, but not the husband of her daughter, published a "book." then NPR went ape shit. then al "i have an oscar and a nobel. where's my pulitzer?" gore, author of his own "book," went ape shit. then katie "who's next? paris hilton on sixty minutes?" couric went ape shit. then joe "meet me in the lobby" lieberman crashed a white house healthcare party. then rahmbo went ape shit.
3. for those of you about to get your playoff hopes up about the minnesota vikings "football" team, here is a helpful synopsis of brett lorenzo (snicker.) favre's playoff history:
1993 season: 24 interceptions, 19 tds, 14 fumbles. lions “win” nfc central. packers make playoffs anyway. packers beat lions anyway. packers lose to cowboys anyway.
1994 season: favre doesn’t suck, packers make playoffs. packers beat lions in wildcard. again. next week, NFL MVP BLF throws zero tds. cowboys beat packers. again.
1995 season: in nfc championship game against cowboys, favre throws zero tds. again.
1996 season: favre is superbowl mvp vs patriots. nowhere to go but down.
1997 season: in superbowl against broncos, on 4th down, favre is blind to antonio freeman’s lonely hearts club meeting in the end zone, throwing underneath to broncos linebacker john mobley instead. the legend begins.
1998 playoffs: wildcard game against 49ers. TO—yes, that TO, in his rookie year—drops four brett favre passes and loses a fumble. jerry rice loses a fumble too, but the “referees” don’t see it that way. 49ers “win.” favre earns one and only one hour of pity.
1999 season: in a preaseason game, favre breaks his own thumb on the helmet of broncos linebacker—john mobley. then he does it again against the raiders on opening day. under “player’s coach” ray rhodes, favre refuses to sit. “it just won’t heal.” packers go 8-8. “I’m too tired to cry today,” favre says after the raiders game.
2000 season: favre launches 16 interceptions, turns in a qb rating of 78.zero, and the packers watch the vikings represent the nfc central in the playoffs. snicker.
2001 playofffs: six, count ‘em six, interceptions, three for TD’s, in one game against the rams.
2002 playoffs: interception AND fumble in 2nd half against: the falcons.
2003 playoffs: throws game-losing interception in OT in philly.
2004 season: packers sweep vikings by duplicate 34-31 scores. vikings stumble into playoffs anyway, losing 7 of their last 10 games, a feat unequaled even in the storied saga that is vikings playoffs history. in wildcard game vs vikings, favre unleashes no less than 4 searing interceptions. some irredeemable sob’s are still snickering to this day.
2005 “season:” thanks to favre’s nfc-leading 372 pass completions, 3881 yards, and 29 interceptions, packers finish 4-12.
2006 season: favre comes out of “retirement” to lead packers to 8-8 record. they somehow lose tie-breaker to giants, who go on to playoffs.
2007 season: in NFC championship game vs giants, favre unloads epic interception in OT.
2008: after the Marriage Made in Heaven melts down into the Divorce from Hell, the afc’s new york bretts start 8-3. favre throws 9 interceptions, 2 td’s down the stretch. no playoffs. favre retires. again.
2009 season: how could you possibly be bored? at WORST, the vikings, the most talented team in the nfl, who have started 9-0, will fade, losing the division to the cutler-resurrected bears, whom the vikings still have to play twice. at BEST, favre, the nfl’s all-time leader in interceptions, could, theoretically, become the first nfl qb to lead two different teams to superbowl championships. (craig “who?” morton qb’d two different losers, the cowboys and the broncos. kurt warner won one for the rams, lost one for the cardinals.) but before you count that chicken, you might want to hatch the egg known as the vikings storied playoff saga . . .
4. an irredeemable son of a bitch made his friend, sherman lasley, into a youtube sensation:
obama nuked!
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. downstairs, a nobel flibbertijibbet is rummaging through the couch cushions looking for an olympic medal. upstairs, a one-armed bandit in a third-place pants suit is on the phone with russian "president" dmitry "we're just good friends" medvedev. "i say iranian, you say uranium, let's blow the whole thing up."
1. the central "intelligence" agency, who once declared that iran gave up trying to make nuclear weapons "as soon as we outed valerie plame wilson in 2003," reported that iran had already tested highly sophisticated double-barreled nuclear shotguns. "also, they have way more uranium processing plants than we thought. plus, another secret uranium mine. plus, they now have a subscription to the huffington post."
2. representative barney "is that a congressional page in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" frank, whose hobbies include regulating the u.s. "banking" industry and writing pot legalization laws, confessed that he "had no idea" his boyfriend was growing pot on the front porch of their maine getaway cabin. "i thought it was catnip. besides, i know even less about pot than i do about money. besides, lindsey graham is soooo gay."
1. the central "intelligence" agency, who once declared that iran gave up trying to make nuclear weapons "as soon as we outed valerie plame wilson in 2003," reported that iran had already tested highly sophisticated double-barreled nuclear shotguns. "also, they have way more uranium processing plants than we thought. plus, another secret uranium mine. plus, they now have a subscription to the huffington post."
2. representative barney "is that a congressional page in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" frank, whose hobbies include regulating the u.s. "banking" industry and writing pot legalization laws, confessed that he "had no idea" his boyfriend was growing pot on the front porch of their maine getaway cabin. "i thought it was catnip. besides, i know even less about pot than i do about money. besides, lindsey graham is soooo gay."
3. freshman u.s. president barack "is that a nobel prize in your pocket, or are you just glad i don't work at your bank?" obama, fresh from his foreign policy triumph in oslo, announced that his 787 billion "dollar" stimulus package had saved or created over 23 jobs. "for instance, we built an olympic-sized swimming pool in chicago, wrapped some duct tape around the main supports on the bay bridge, and hired eight acorn volunteers to clean up those annoying "hope" posters somebody plastered all over the unemployment office." then he saved or created governor chris "you can't have too many chris's" christie. then he saved or created governor bob "is that a bull moose party in sarah palin's pocket, or is she just glad to see me?" mcdonnell. then he saved or created the palm pre, the blackberry storm, and the microsoft zune hd.
4. a u.s. army psychiatrist went on a shooting spree at fort hood (motto: "keeping america safe from armed fanatics and olympic athletes") texas. the u.s. army is holding "doctor" hasan for evaluation by a u.s. army psychiatrist. "we think it was the stress of trying to figure out which health care reform bill had the best death panel. that, and trying to figure out why the buncos fired mike shanahan."
godzillary compromises!
it's 3 am. do you know where your independent senator from connecticut is caucusing?
1. secretary of state hillary "did you know i had a government job?" clinton publicly demanded that israel (motto: "with friends like lieberman, who needs republicans?") freeze all settlement construction on the West Bank. israeli prime minister benjamin "kosher as christmas" netanyahu said "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that iran (motto: "with enemies like bush, who needs friends?") freeze all nuke developments. iranian "president" mahmoud "it looks even worse when i shave" ahmedinejad said, "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that talented scumbag and hollywood darling roman "thank heavens for little girls" polanski return to the u.s. to serve his prison sentence for raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl to whom he had fed champagne and quaaludes. polanski said, "no." then "feminist" spokemodel whoopi "bros befo hos" goldberg defended polanski. "it wasn't like it was rape-rape. not like the phillies in the world series. am i right, girls?"
2. president barack "puff the magic stimulus" obama, who won a nobel prize for not bringing the olympics to chicago, announced that his 787 billion dollar economic recovery package had saved almost 13 jobs. so far. then he announced that he had created 30,000 jobs. then the associated press pointed out that wasn't true. then he announced that he had saved 640,000 jobs. or 650,000. then republicans, who are so good with economic calculations that they wiped out one eighth of the world's wealth with a single blackberry tweet, calculated that each of those jobs must have cost 248,000 dollars. then vice president joe "only an irredeemable son of a bitch would remind people that i admitted in 1988 that i plagiarized my way through law school" biden announced that the number of jobs saved was actually more than 1 million. "don't make me bring hillary out here," he warned reporters.
3. senator "tailgunner joe" lieberman, who used to be a democrat, until he "helped" al "with an oscar AND a nobel, who needs friends?" gore "lose" the 2000 presidential "election," and who endorsed republican john "hos befo bros" mccain in 2008, until mccain picked sarah "is that a moose in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin as his running mate, and who claimed in 2006 to have supported public health insurance since 1994, until Big Pharma gave him 2.5 million dollars in "walking around the democratic caucus" money, and who vowed not to support a republican filibuster against obama's public option health "care" reform bill in exchange for being allowed to keep his chair of the senate homeland "security" committee, announced he would join a republican filibuster against any public health insurance option "until the cows and polanski come home." then he denied being an overpriced scumbag. "it's not rape-rape. i sincerely enjoyed the champagne and quaaludes."
4. an irredeemable son of a bitch was censored by the "government" of pakistan for pointing out that the "army" of pakistan wouldn't really, actually, launch a real offensive against their own private terrorist army, the taliban (motto: "you say bombay, we say mumbai, let's blow the whole thing up") in south waziristan "even if lieberman himself asked us to do it." then the s.o.b. pointed out that, exactly as he predicted, after a week of gaudy headlines and no concrete results, the thunder of the "offensive" has been drowned out by the gentle hum of iranian gas centrifuges. then he snickered.
1. secretary of state hillary "did you know i had a government job?" clinton publicly demanded that israel (motto: "with friends like lieberman, who needs republicans?") freeze all settlement construction on the West Bank. israeli prime minister benjamin "kosher as christmas" netanyahu said "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that iran (motto: "with enemies like bush, who needs friends?") freeze all nuke developments. iranian "president" mahmoud "it looks even worse when i shave" ahmedinejad said, "no." hillary said, "okay." then she demanded that talented scumbag and hollywood darling roman "thank heavens for little girls" polanski return to the u.s. to serve his prison sentence for raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl to whom he had fed champagne and quaaludes. polanski said, "no." then "feminist" spokemodel whoopi "bros befo hos" goldberg defended polanski. "it wasn't like it was rape-rape. not like the phillies in the world series. am i right, girls?"
2. president barack "puff the magic stimulus" obama, who won a nobel prize for not bringing the olympics to chicago, announced that his 787 billion dollar economic recovery package had saved almost 13 jobs. so far. then he announced that he had created 30,000 jobs. then the associated press pointed out that wasn't true. then he announced that he had saved 640,000 jobs. or 650,000. then republicans, who are so good with economic calculations that they wiped out one eighth of the world's wealth with a single blackberry tweet, calculated that each of those jobs must have cost 248,000 dollars. then vice president joe "only an irredeemable son of a bitch would remind people that i admitted in 1988 that i plagiarized my way through law school" biden announced that the number of jobs saved was actually more than 1 million. "don't make me bring hillary out here," he warned reporters.
3. senator "tailgunner joe" lieberman, who used to be a democrat, until he "helped" al "with an oscar AND a nobel, who needs friends?" gore "lose" the 2000 presidential "election," and who endorsed republican john "hos befo bros" mccain in 2008, until mccain picked sarah "is that a moose in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" palin as his running mate, and who claimed in 2006 to have supported public health insurance since 1994, until Big Pharma gave him 2.5 million dollars in "walking around the democratic caucus" money, and who vowed not to support a republican filibuster against obama's public option health "care" reform bill in exchange for being allowed to keep his chair of the senate homeland "security" committee, announced he would join a republican filibuster against any public health insurance option "until the cows and polanski come home." then he denied being an overpriced scumbag. "it's not rape-rape. i sincerely enjoyed the champagne and quaaludes."
4. an irredeemable son of a bitch was censored by the "government" of pakistan for pointing out that the "army" of pakistan wouldn't really, actually, launch a real offensive against their own private terrorist army, the taliban (motto: "you say bombay, we say mumbai, let's blow the whole thing up") in south waziristan "even if lieberman himself asked us to do it." then the s.o.b. pointed out that, exactly as he predicted, after a week of gaudy headlines and no concrete results, the thunder of the "offensive" has been drowned out by the gentle hum of iranian gas centrifuges. then he snickered.
godzillary roars!
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a detachable right arm is waiting for huma to polish her bifocals. "when you're finished with that, take air force 3 to london and drop off my goodwill donation box at madame tussaud's."
1. secretary of state hillary "i'd break my right arm to be president. or even vice-president" clinton, on a diplomatic mission to kenya, bit the head off a college student who asked her if bill still wears boxers. "look, you little twerp, I'M the secretary of state, NOT bill. bill was president. i'm NOT president. i'm bill's WIFE. monica is NOT bill's wife. i'm married. chelsea is NOT married. bill has his OWN career. i'm MARRIED to bill. obama won the NOMINATION. i won FLORIDA. i have the birth certificate to PROVE it. obama won the ELECTION. i won THIRD BANANA. al franken is a SENATOR. i am NOT a senator. bristol has a BABY. chelsea does NOT have a baby. bristol has an EX-boyfriend. chelsea has a JOB. i WROTE a health care reform bill. it did NOT pass. bill did NOT support it. i support BILL. lieberman supports ISRAEL. lieberman will OBLITERATE iran. jay cutler will OBLITERATE the fudgepackers. AND the liedowns. AND the bi-queens. kyle orton will OBLITERATE the buncos. terrell owens will OBLITERATE the spills. the iPhone will OBLITERATE the palm pre. AND the blackberry storm. AND the blackberry storm 2. AND the blackberry storm 3.
2. only three years behind apple, microsoft (motto: "garbage in, garbage out") rolled out their latest in a long line of iPod-killers, the Zune HD. "we decided to compete with the iPod by releasing a lame ripoff that has a smaller, lower-resolution screen that goes black when you turn the lights on. and a smaller battery. then we took the old, slow portalplayer chip from the original iPod, renamed it "NVIDIA Tegra" to make people think it was an NVIDIA graphics chip, on the assumption that people won't notice that it takes 30 seconds to load up chess, which is one of the whopping nine apps available, and called the whole thing Zune HD, even though it's not HD. oh, you can watch HD movies, if you spend another 90 dollars on an adapter to plug it into your HD TV. snicker. yes, we gave it a web browser, one that works almost as well as IE on Windows Mobile. snicker. and yes, you are allowed to keep paying us 15 dollars a month for life just to listen to your own music. snicker. no, HD radio doesn't look better than plain old FM. snicker."
3. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his grubby paws on an iPhone 3GS.
1. secretary of state hillary "i'd break my right arm to be president. or even vice-president" clinton, on a diplomatic mission to kenya, bit the head off a college student who asked her if bill still wears boxers. "look, you little twerp, I'M the secretary of state, NOT bill. bill was president. i'm NOT president. i'm bill's WIFE. monica is NOT bill's wife. i'm married. chelsea is NOT married. bill has his OWN career. i'm MARRIED to bill. obama won the NOMINATION. i won FLORIDA. i have the birth certificate to PROVE it. obama won the ELECTION. i won THIRD BANANA. al franken is a SENATOR. i am NOT a senator. bristol has a BABY. chelsea does NOT have a baby. bristol has an EX-boyfriend. chelsea has a JOB. i WROTE a health care reform bill. it did NOT pass. bill did NOT support it. i support BILL. lieberman supports ISRAEL. lieberman will OBLITERATE iran. jay cutler will OBLITERATE the fudgepackers. AND the liedowns. AND the bi-queens. kyle orton will OBLITERATE the buncos. terrell owens will OBLITERATE the spills. the iPhone will OBLITERATE the palm pre. AND the blackberry storm. AND the blackberry storm 2. AND the blackberry storm 3.
2. only three years behind apple, microsoft (motto: "garbage in, garbage out") rolled out their latest in a long line of iPod-killers, the Zune HD. "we decided to compete with the iPod by releasing a lame ripoff that has a smaller, lower-resolution screen that goes black when you turn the lights on. and a smaller battery. then we took the old, slow portalplayer chip from the original iPod, renamed it "NVIDIA Tegra" to make people think it was an NVIDIA graphics chip, on the assumption that people won't notice that it takes 30 seconds to load up chess, which is one of the whopping nine apps available, and called the whole thing Zune HD, even though it's not HD. oh, you can watch HD movies, if you spend another 90 dollars on an adapter to plug it into your HD TV. snicker. yes, we gave it a web browser, one that works almost as well as IE on Windows Mobile. snicker. and yes, you are allowed to keep paying us 15 dollars a month for life just to listen to your own music. snicker. no, HD radio doesn't look better than plain old FM. snicker."
3. an irredeemable son of a bitch finally got his grubby paws on an iPhone 3GS.
palin' bailin, bam-o glam-o
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. an ambulatory woman in a one-armed pants suit and bifocals is reading the penis-enlargement ads in the usa today "newspaper" and pounding medicinal boilermakers. a flibbertijibbet calls her on the red phone from the vatican. "i need you to fax ratzinger a copy of bill's donor list, asap. and then have the fcc text a copy of steve mcnair's suicide prevention ad to my blackberry. i want to have some fun in the confessional."
1. sarah "if you can't beat 'em, quit!" palin, wed mother of unwed mother bristol "mother of tripp. not trigg. like it matters" palin—not johnston, at least not yet—gave an 18 minute resignation speech as "governor" of alaska. "let's face it. there's not much to do, anyway. there's only three laws, two roads, and one border, and that's with canada, for the love of mike. even if somebody lived there, why in the name of all that's on christian tv would they be wandering around the middle of the yukon? anyway, i'm bored with governing. what i really want to do is some presidencing. but you filthy, degenerate media scum don't print nice things about me for some petty, whiny reason. who do you write for? playgirl? hustler? the usa today?"
2. bristol "single mother by choice" palin, who shuns the public spotlight while wielding a mass media campaign to frighten unwed teenagers out of having sex by showing them her baby, admitted to the media that motherhood was hard at her age. "but there's nothing wrong with it. i wish i was older, but i don't regret it. teen pregancy is horrible, but not as horrible as abortion. or marriage." then she talked about waiting until marriage to have sex. "like michael jackson. like britney spears. like chelsea clinton."
3. chelsea "single. but not a mother. and not by choice" clinton visited her wed mother in the hospital while she recuperates from a case of "third banana's elbow." then chelsea promised "not to have sex with anyone, anyone at all, except my husband, if i want one." then she promised not to see "chastity" bono after the surgery. then she promised not to buy any more alex rodriguez souvenir bats. then hillary gave her a one-armed hug. "if only your father were alive to see this!"
4. president barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're checking out hot italian booty" obama, fresh from his triumphant tour of what's left of russia, hobnobbed with the pope and other glamorous eurotrash at the now meaningless g-8 summit in rome. then he confesssed for the first time. "uh, look. forgive me father. i have lusted after women in my heart. or at least in my eyes." then he thanked the pope for a pro-life sunday school brochure. "i was in favor of abortion once. but then i saw my own baby daughters. and i thought, why would someone throw away a precious human life before it's even seen the light of day? and then i met chelsea. and then i thought, why doesn't someone put a bag over its head? lieberman uber alles!"
1. sarah "if you can't beat 'em, quit!" palin, wed mother of unwed mother bristol "mother of tripp. not trigg. like it matters" palin—not johnston, at least not yet—gave an 18 minute resignation speech as "governor" of alaska. "let's face it. there's not much to do, anyway. there's only three laws, two roads, and one border, and that's with canada, for the love of mike. even if somebody lived there, why in the name of all that's on christian tv would they be wandering around the middle of the yukon? anyway, i'm bored with governing. what i really want to do is some presidencing. but you filthy, degenerate media scum don't print nice things about me for some petty, whiny reason. who do you write for? playgirl? hustler? the usa today?"
2. bristol "single mother by choice" palin, who shuns the public spotlight while wielding a mass media campaign to frighten unwed teenagers out of having sex by showing them her baby, admitted to the media that motherhood was hard at her age. "but there's nothing wrong with it. i wish i was older, but i don't regret it. teen pregancy is horrible, but not as horrible as abortion. or marriage." then she talked about waiting until marriage to have sex. "like michael jackson. like britney spears. like chelsea clinton."
3. chelsea "single. but not a mother. and not by choice" clinton visited her wed mother in the hospital while she recuperates from a case of "third banana's elbow." then chelsea promised "not to have sex with anyone, anyone at all, except my husband, if i want one." then she promised not to see "chastity" bono after the surgery. then she promised not to buy any more alex rodriguez souvenir bats. then hillary gave her a one-armed hug. "if only your father were alive to see this!"
4. president barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're checking out hot italian booty" obama, fresh from his triumphant tour of what's left of russia, hobnobbed with the pope and other glamorous eurotrash at the now meaningless g-8 summit in rome. then he confesssed for the first time. "uh, look. forgive me father. i have lusted after women in my heart. or at least in my eyes." then he thanked the pope for a pro-life sunday school brochure. "i was in favor of abortion once. but then i saw my own baby daughters. and i thought, why would someone throw away a precious human life before it's even seen the light of day? and then i met chelsea. and then i thought, why doesn't someone put a bag over its head? lieberman uber alles!"
obama prompts, kim stompts
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. the black panthers are tucked safely into bed. downstairs, a flibbertijibbet is banging on his teleprompter while the Loch Ness Monster performs "memory" on a chinese TV from wal-mart. upstairs, a woman in bifocals and a tuzla-proof pants suit is on the Red phone with a matriculated single mother in alaska. "yes, they have nukes. yes, they have a missile capable of reaching alaska. yes, chelsea is available to babysit saturday night."
1. president of the "united" states, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're reading kennedy speeches off a teleprompter" obama, assured american home "owners" that their mortgage companies will survive the recession. "even if you don't. uh, look. my plan to rescue general motors from reality has failed. my plan to rescue citibank from reality has failed. my plan to rescue afghanistan from reality has failed. but that does not mean that my plan to rescue bill's donor list from dubya's victorious foreign policy can't drag you down with it. lieberman uber alles!"
2. north korean "president" kim "where have all the flowers gone?" jong-il, fed up with trying to use the "touch" screen on his blackberry storm, launched six nuclear-armed missiles at bristol "where have all the cowboys gone?" palin's post-graduation party. then secretary of state hillary "if you can't beat 'em, show 'em your donor list" clinton did nothing. "lieberman told me not to do anything until tzipi livni said so." then the united nations (motto: "fixing the world's problems since korea, 1949!") did nothing. "arlan specter told us not to do anything until lieberman said so." then china did nothing. "we're watching lebron james on the 1080p TVs chelsea gave us for chinese new year. and tell feinstein these crab-meat kreplachs suck."
3. supreme court nominee sonia "the bronx burrito" sotomayor defended her past comments against charges of reverse racism from dick "dick" cheney. "politicians every day get up in all types of fora and make what I consider the most ridiculous arguments, some of them illegal. but be honest. would you rather see a nice, plump, straight-A mamasita on the bench, or a sneering, pasty-faced, whiskey-drinking, red-baiting, sheep-ranching, rich-white-asshole-shooting, turban-dunking, lesbian-spawning abortion clinic bomber? oh, wait, i see your point."
1. president of the "united" states, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're reading kennedy speeches off a teleprompter" obama, assured american home "owners" that their mortgage companies will survive the recession. "even if you don't. uh, look. my plan to rescue general motors from reality has failed. my plan to rescue citibank from reality has failed. my plan to rescue afghanistan from reality has failed. but that does not mean that my plan to rescue bill's donor list from dubya's victorious foreign policy can't drag you down with it. lieberman uber alles!"
2. north korean "president" kim "where have all the flowers gone?" jong-il, fed up with trying to use the "touch" screen on his blackberry storm, launched six nuclear-armed missiles at bristol "where have all the cowboys gone?" palin's post-graduation party. then secretary of state hillary "if you can't beat 'em, show 'em your donor list" clinton did nothing. "lieberman told me not to do anything until tzipi livni said so." then the united nations (motto: "fixing the world's problems since korea, 1949!") did nothing. "arlan specter told us not to do anything until lieberman said so." then china did nothing. "we're watching lebron james on the 1080p TVs chelsea gave us for chinese new year. and tell feinstein these crab-meat kreplachs suck."
3. supreme court nominee sonia "the bronx burrito" sotomayor defended her past comments against charges of reverse racism from dick "dick" cheney. "politicians every day get up in all types of fora and make what I consider the most ridiculous arguments, some of them illegal. but be honest. would you rather see a nice, plump, straight-A mamasita on the bench, or a sneering, pasty-faced, whiskey-drinking, red-baiting, sheep-ranching, rich-white-asshole-shooting, turban-dunking, lesbian-spawning abortion clinic bomber? oh, wait, i see your point."
obama fist bumps specter
it's 3 am. the white girls are are tucked safely in bed. visions of sugarplum stimulus contracts dance in their heads. a woman in bifocals and a "i heart nancy" pants suit picks up the Phone. it's a flibbertijibbet with cheese grater abs. "tell the ayatollah that if he gives up his nuke program, he'll get one date with chelsea. if he doesn't, it'll be two dates. lieberman uber alles!"
1. diehard philadelphia shegles fan and part-time US senator arlen "when the going gets tough, the israeli lobby switches parties" specter switched his "allegiance" to the "democratic" party. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he endorsed republican candidate norm "when the going gets tough, the tough ask for a recount" coleman for senator from minnesota. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he voted against fellow "democrat" barack obama's budget. then he voted against obama's plan to let banks adjust bad mortgages to help gentiles. then he voted against a bill that would require chelsea to keep the bag on her head. then senate majority "leader" harry "when the going gets tough, the tough get tzipi livni to endorse their senate campaigns" reid stripped specter of his seniority. then hillary "what's one gentile in the white house, more or less?" clinton showed reid her "husband's" donor list. then reid saw the light. then dick "when the going gets tough, the tough take one more bribe" durbin gave up his chair to specter. "as the other senator from illinois, you know, the one NOT to be confused with abraham lincoln, i felt it was my duty to israel to welcome such a fine legislator into the fold. even if he is a stinking eagles fan."
2. rand "not to be confused with ron paul. like it matters" paul, son of "republican" presidential "candidate" ron "i ran for president, and all i got was this lousy "dick, cheney, dick!' t-shirt" paul, announced he is running for president. "or senator. or dog-catcher. hey, is that commerce department job still open?"
3. former "president" bill "i balanced the budget, and all i got was this lousy "yes, she can!" t-shirt" clinton, "husband" of extremely well-qualified, not to mention fully vetted, secretary of state hillary "vince, we hardly knew ye" clinton, endorsed terry "i'd touch that with a ten-foot poll" mcauliffe for governor of virginia. patrick "there are a lot more of us than you think" kennedy, son of "senator" ted "has anyone seen my gal?" kennedy, endorsed brian "bugsy" moran. then chelsea endorsed al gore for a daytime emmy. then caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy endorsed arlan specter for miss california usa. whatever the hell that is.
4. star trek the umteenth motion picture 6.47 sequel to the prequel, no, the tv series prequel, not one of the umteen movies, motion picture, if you want to call a computer animated game commercial a motion picture, motion picture opened in umteen theaters and made more money than general motors lost. then shooting began on the "i dream of jeannie" movie. then an irredeemable son of a bitch had the big o.
1. diehard philadelphia shegles fan and part-time US senator arlen "when the going gets tough, the israeli lobby switches parties" specter switched his "allegiance" to the "democratic" party. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he endorsed republican candidate norm "when the going gets tough, the tough ask for a recount" coleman for senator from minnesota. "what's one hebrew in the republican party, more or less?" then he voted against fellow "democrat" barack obama's budget. then he voted against obama's plan to let banks adjust bad mortgages to help gentiles. then he voted against a bill that would require chelsea to keep the bag on her head. then senate majority "leader" harry "when the going gets tough, the tough get tzipi livni to endorse their senate campaigns" reid stripped specter of his seniority. then hillary "what's one gentile in the white house, more or less?" clinton showed reid her "husband's" donor list. then reid saw the light. then dick "when the going gets tough, the tough take one more bribe" durbin gave up his chair to specter. "as the other senator from illinois, you know, the one NOT to be confused with abraham lincoln, i felt it was my duty to israel to welcome such a fine legislator into the fold. even if he is a stinking eagles fan."
2. rand "not to be confused with ron paul. like it matters" paul, son of "republican" presidential "candidate" ron "i ran for president, and all i got was this lousy "dick, cheney, dick!' t-shirt" paul, announced he is running for president. "or senator. or dog-catcher. hey, is that commerce department job still open?"
3. former "president" bill "i balanced the budget, and all i got was this lousy "yes, she can!" t-shirt" clinton, "husband" of extremely well-qualified, not to mention fully vetted, secretary of state hillary "vince, we hardly knew ye" clinton, endorsed terry "i'd touch that with a ten-foot poll" mcauliffe for governor of virginia. patrick "there are a lot more of us than you think" kennedy, son of "senator" ted "has anyone seen my gal?" kennedy, endorsed brian "bugsy" moran. then chelsea endorsed al gore for a daytime emmy. then caroline "i only want what's coming to me. i only want my fair share" kennedy endorsed arlan specter for miss california usa. whatever the hell that is.
4. star trek the umteenth motion picture 6.47 sequel to the prequel, no, the tv series prequel, not one of the umteen movies, motion picture, if you want to call a computer animated game commercial a motion picture, motion picture opened in umteen theaters and made more money than general motors lost. then shooting began on the "i dream of jeannie" movie. then an irredeemable son of a bitch had the big o.
obama vetos own bill
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a third-banana pants suit in bifocals is calculating how much kazakh uranium it would take to make chelsea as attractive as susan "i've never been kissed, either, but at least i have an actual talent" boyle when the phone rings. it's the "government" of pakistan. "we're facing an existential dilemma. lieberman says that, our nukes are pretty, but not tzipi livni pretty."
1. as a senator running for president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're cherry-picking the top management of the world's most important corporations" obama introduced a bill extending the deadline for poor black southern farmers to claim their share of a settlement from an anti-discrimination lawsuit against the department of agriculture. as president, obama indicate he would not sign and does not support the bill. "uh, look. the world's richest corporations are being force-fed trillions of dollars of poor black taxpayers' money. it's simply not good politics to give any of that money to poor, black farmers who already voted for me and who were awarded that money by a federal judge. i mean, i'm going to need a job in a couple of years, you know? lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hTyNjxLD4WoFQoyJoU3PMMblaJRQD97MVPTO4
2. representative jane "any friend of lieberman's is a paying customer of mine" harman fought back against allegations that she lobbied the justice department to drop an investigation of an isreali intelligence agent who promised her the chairmanship of the house intelligence committee. "i want to make one thing perfectly clear—i did not get the chair. some hotsnot redhead from california got it. and the speakership, to boot. in a way, i'm an innocent victim here. besides, it's not like i funneled 25 billion dollars to my husband's FDIC piggy bank. besides, it's not like i'm some Dateless Wonder who used my "father's" influence to help flush 2 trillion dollars of america's wealth down a tainted avenue capital group chinese toilet at walmart. besides, lieberman's wife makes lousy knishes."
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a0VhIoWfustY&refer=home
3. The Creature From Avenue Capital Group sold general motors "corporation" to the united auto "workers" union in exchange for 100 "billion" taxpayer dollars and a tainted chinese toilet at wal-mart. then she took dianne "i sold the federal reserve bank to bernie madoff and all my husband got was this lousy 25 billion dollar t-shirt" feinstein to lunch at bristol's Cheesecake Baby Factory. then she went to get a swine flu shot. then obama told her, "there's no need to be alarmed. geithner says it only infects humans, not swine." then she took the bag off her head. then a riot broke out at kent state.
4. godzillary, who came so close to being president that susan "one book about hillary is worth a thousand snickers" estrich could taste it, left the country to make peace between levi and sarah. then the economy started to recover. then she sold an anti-missile system to lieberman. then the kazakh uranium mines began to recover. then she sold new york, new orleans, and newport news to dubai ports world. then bill's donor list began to recover.
1. as a senator running for president, barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're cherry-picking the top management of the world's most important corporations" obama introduced a bill extending the deadline for poor black southern farmers to claim their share of a settlement from an anti-discrimination lawsuit against the department of agriculture. as president, obama indicate he would not sign and does not support the bill. "uh, look. the world's richest corporations are being force-fed trillions of dollars of poor black taxpayers' money. it's simply not good politics to give any of that money to poor, black farmers who already voted for me and who were awarded that money by a federal judge. i mean, i'm going to need a job in a couple of years, you know? lieberman uber alles!"
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hTyNjxLD4WoFQoyJoU3PMMblaJRQD97MVPTO4
2. representative jane "any friend of lieberman's is a paying customer of mine" harman fought back against allegations that she lobbied the justice department to drop an investigation of an isreali intelligence agent who promised her the chairmanship of the house intelligence committee. "i want to make one thing perfectly clear—i did not get the chair. some hotsnot redhead from california got it. and the speakership, to boot. in a way, i'm an innocent victim here. besides, it's not like i funneled 25 billion dollars to my husband's FDIC piggy bank. besides, it's not like i'm some Dateless Wonder who used my "father's" influence to help flush 2 trillion dollars of america's wealth down a tainted avenue capital group chinese toilet at walmart. besides, lieberman's wife makes lousy knishes."
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a0VhIoWfustY&refer=home
3. The Creature From Avenue Capital Group sold general motors "corporation" to the united auto "workers" union in exchange for 100 "billion" taxpayer dollars and a tainted chinese toilet at wal-mart. then she took dianne "i sold the federal reserve bank to bernie madoff and all my husband got was this lousy 25 billion dollar t-shirt" feinstein to lunch at bristol's Cheesecake Baby Factory. then she went to get a swine flu shot. then obama told her, "there's no need to be alarmed. geithner says it only infects humans, not swine." then she took the bag off her head. then a riot broke out at kent state.
4. godzillary, who came so close to being president that susan "one book about hillary is worth a thousand snickers" estrich could taste it, left the country to make peace between levi and sarah. then the economy started to recover. then she sold an anti-missile system to lieberman. then the kazakh uranium mines began to recover. then she sold new york, new orleans, and newport news to dubai ports world. then bill's donor list began to recover.
obama teabags chelsea
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a first wife in a red, white and blue pants suit is talking to the Red Phone on a blackberry storm. "please don't launch any more missiles until the blackberry storm 2 comes out. yes, i know it's three years behind the iphone. yes, i know it still doesn't hold a candle to the iphone. yes, i know verizon sucks. but on the bright side, steve jobs can't live forever."
1. department of homeland "security" chief janet "neopolitan" napolitano, who last week fingered returning u.s. veterans as potential right-wing extremist terrorists, announced that DHS will not focus on returning vets after all. "we're saving our ammunition for the gun lobby. you know, the ones who don't like gay marriage. or free abortions for immigrants. or watching their jobs being flushed down a bailed-out chinese toilet at walmart by Dateless Wonders who look nothing like web hubbell." then texas governor rick "a cow in every pot, and an oil well in every garage" perry threw a secessionitis tea party. "first we're going to add some milk. then we're going to add some sugar. then the south's gonna do It again!"
2. cat lady susan "shock and awe" boyle, who looks like ashley simpson sings and who sings like ashley simpson looks, took the world by youtube storm after her record-shattering debut on england's answer to the Gong Show. chelsea clinton, america's answer to the loch ness monster, immediately went on youtube to terrorize american taxpayers into handing over their tea bag money. "avenue capital group is too big to fail. AIG is too big too fail. GM is too big to fail. versace is too big to fail." then she yanked the bag off her head. then simon cowell gasped. then pebbles the cat gasped. then versace failed, if you catch our drift.
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're making the world safe for democracy. and afghani kablammi" obama, on spring break in mexico, vowed to "come into los angeles, bringing in a couple of keys. don't touch my bags if you please, mr customs man." then he took a couple of hits in the press room. "uh, look. since september 11, we've been ignoring our potential quagmires south of the border. and since texas is going to do It again, i figured now was a good time to get my prescription filled."
4. RIM, "makers" of the blackberry line of connectivity devices, admitted that the blackberry storm "smart" phone is a horrific, microsoft-scale piece of junk. "we were sick and tired of the iphone killing the blackberry, so we decided to sell our own blackberry killer." the company promises that the new blackberry storm 2, scheduled for release only three—count 'em, three—years after the iphone, will "make the zune look like windows vista." customer complaints (and they are legion) about the original storm have been addressed. complaints like, the touchscreen is numb to user touches. complaints like, the blackberry app store doesn't have any apps. complaints like, the wi-fi doesn't work. "we gotcha on that one. the storm doesn't even have wi-fi!" will the storm 2 have wi-fi? "wouldn't you like to know!" the storm 2 promises to have a completely different screen, a completely different operating sytem, a completely different keyboard, and exactly the same results. "this is a totally new and unique iphone killer. it's not really accurate to call the blackberry storm 2 smartphone a blackberry storm. in fact, it shouldn't even be called a smartphone."
1. department of homeland "security" chief janet "neopolitan" napolitano, who last week fingered returning u.s. veterans as potential right-wing extremist terrorists, announced that DHS will not focus on returning vets after all. "we're saving our ammunition for the gun lobby. you know, the ones who don't like gay marriage. or free abortions for immigrants. or watching their jobs being flushed down a bailed-out chinese toilet at walmart by Dateless Wonders who look nothing like web hubbell." then texas governor rick "a cow in every pot, and an oil well in every garage" perry threw a secessionitis tea party. "first we're going to add some milk. then we're going to add some sugar. then the south's gonna do It again!"
2. cat lady susan "shock and awe" boyle, who looks like ashley simpson sings and who sings like ashley simpson looks, took the world by youtube storm after her record-shattering debut on england's answer to the Gong Show. chelsea clinton, america's answer to the loch ness monster, immediately went on youtube to terrorize american taxpayers into handing over their tea bag money. "avenue capital group is too big to fail. AIG is too big too fail. GM is too big to fail. versace is too big to fail." then she yanked the bag off her head. then simon cowell gasped. then pebbles the cat gasped. then versace failed, if you catch our drift.
3. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're making the world safe for democracy. and afghani kablammi" obama, on spring break in mexico, vowed to "come into los angeles, bringing in a couple of keys. don't touch my bags if you please, mr customs man." then he took a couple of hits in the press room. "uh, look. since september 11, we've been ignoring our potential quagmires south of the border. and since texas is going to do It again, i figured now was a good time to get my prescription filled."
4. RIM, "makers" of the blackberry line of connectivity devices, admitted that the blackberry storm "smart" phone is a horrific, microsoft-scale piece of junk. "we were sick and tired of the iphone killing the blackberry, so we decided to sell our own blackberry killer." the company promises that the new blackberry storm 2, scheduled for release only three—count 'em, three—years after the iphone, will "make the zune look like windows vista." customer complaints (and they are legion) about the original storm have been addressed. complaints like, the touchscreen is numb to user touches. complaints like, the blackberry app store doesn't have any apps. complaints like, the wi-fi doesn't work. "we gotcha on that one. the storm doesn't even have wi-fi!" will the storm 2 have wi-fi? "wouldn't you like to know!" the storm 2 promises to have a completely different screen, a completely different operating sytem, a completely different keyboard, and exactly the same results. "this is a totally new and unique iphone killer. it's not really accurate to call the blackberry storm 2 smartphone a blackberry storm. in fact, it shouldn't even be called a smartphone."
obama bombs obama bowls obama bristols
it's 3 am in foggy bottom. a made-in-china pants suit is on the Red Phone with kim jong-il. "is that a rocket in your pocket, or are you just glad to see jay cutler in a bears uniform?" a flibberitijibbet with a bowling ball bag full of afghani kablammi barges in and starts throwing his weight around. "i invented cap-and-trade. i invented hot-or-not. i invented bowling-for-retards. where's my oscar? where's my nobel? where's my emmy?"
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're decriminalizing herbal remedies" obama, america's first "black" president, went on the tonight show with jay leno to defend such policies as paying astronomical bonuses to astronomical failures who ran the global economy into a black hole. "uh, look. if we don't shower these incompetent, white, scumbag lobbyists with taxpayer money, who will? if we don't bomb pakistan into nuclear civil war, who will? if we don't guarantee a regular flow of tainted chinese imports into the homes of america's children, who will? what are you, retarded?" then he went on the internet and gave a "press" conference. "where's the reporter from the chicago sun-times? where's the reporter from the rocky mountain news? where's the reporter from the philadelphia inquirer?"
2. "members" of the Congregation of the Holy Cross, who don't like girls and who know even less about getting one pregnant, if you follow our drift, expressed their moral queasiness over letting stem-cell pitchman barack obama give this year's commencement address at notre dame (translation: "our lady." snicker) university. "what would a protestant flibbertijibbet know about the sanctity of human life? besides, he's never given us one thin dime. besides, he never even played football. besides, michigan state took a dive. i mean, did you SEE that game?"
3. The Thing That Works On Wall Street, who looks less and less like web hubbell the older and older she gets (not that there's anything wrong with having a career instead of a husband, i mean, look how far her mother's gotten without any help from her "father," so don't think for one second i'm suggesting that she's anywhere near "old maid" status, i'm just saying maybe bill should have "fathered" more than one child, if he wants grandchildren,) spent mardi gras at home, dateless, beadless, and sober. "it's not like bristol has a husband, either. besides, what's she ever done for the economy? besides, what's she ever done for versace? besides, i don't give interviews."
1. barack "when irish eyes are smiling, they're decriminalizing herbal remedies" obama, america's first "black" president, went on the tonight show with jay leno to defend such policies as paying astronomical bonuses to astronomical failures who ran the global economy into a black hole. "uh, look. if we don't shower these incompetent, white, scumbag lobbyists with taxpayer money, who will? if we don't bomb pakistan into nuclear civil war, who will? if we don't guarantee a regular flow of tainted chinese imports into the homes of america's children, who will? what are you, retarded?" then he went on the internet and gave a "press" conference. "where's the reporter from the chicago sun-times? where's the reporter from the rocky mountain news? where's the reporter from the philadelphia inquirer?"
2. "members" of the Congregation of the Holy Cross, who don't like girls and who know even less about getting one pregnant, if you follow our drift, expressed their moral queasiness over letting stem-cell pitchman barack obama give this year's commencement address at notre dame (translation: "our lady." snicker) university. "what would a protestant flibbertijibbet know about the sanctity of human life? besides, he's never given us one thin dime. besides, he never even played football. besides, michigan state took a dive. i mean, did you SEE that game?"
3. The Thing That Works On Wall Street, who looks less and less like web hubbell the older and older she gets (not that there's anything wrong with having a career instead of a husband, i mean, look how far her mother's gotten without any help from her "father," so don't think for one second i'm suggesting that she's anywhere near "old maid" status, i'm just saying maybe bill should have "fathered" more than one child, if he wants grandchildren,) spent mardi gras at home, dateless, beadless, and sober. "it's not like bristol has a husband, either. besides, what's she ever done for the economy? besides, what's she ever done for versace? besides, i don't give interviews."
