politiqs by jonq
http://www.tommyjonq.com
politiqs by jonq
hillary speculates, obama matriculates, mccain abdicates
it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a capri pants suit is on the phone. “hello, national rifle association? do you know where i could buy some flibbertijibbet-penetrating shells?”
1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they give another speech on a college campus” obama, filling in for ted “why can’t any of us just die in our sleep?” kennedy, gave a speech at a wesleyan (motto: “we put the w in w.a.s.p.”) university commencement ceremonies promising to double the peace corps. “look at the bang-up job the peace corps has done in places like africa and mongolia. we could do the same thing in iraq. or ohio!”
http://www.courant.com/news/local/mr/middletown/hc-26075857.apds.m0871.bc-ct--obammay26,0,2201553.story
2. hillary “the check’s in the mail, the shot’s in the beer, and the nomination’s in the bag” clinton, campaigning in puerto rico (motto: “you can’t vote for president, but you can vote for the next best thing!”) over the weekend, changed her pants suit for a pair of pants. then she “explained” her hints about the rfk assassination. again. “i wasn’t suggesting to any crazed, fanatical supporters of mine—and let’s face, some of my supporters are pretty crazy. just look at rush limbaugh—that i wanted them to go out and shoot any uppity you-know-whats who think they’re so big and so smart and so handsome. no, i was merely pointing out the historical fact that the world is full of crazy people who have nothing better to do with their lonely, embittered lives than to take pot shots at the kind of people no one wants creeping around the house at 3 am, looking for white girls to rape and nominations to steal. i wasn’t suggesting that i wanted anyone to do this. i was just suggesting it would really help me out if they did. it’s not like i’m asking for anybody to vince foster themselves on my behalf. besides, i hear hinckley has a nice padded cell with a tv and everything.”
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/clinton-sheds-p.html
3. “republican” president john “the son of admirals, and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain, who went from denouncing the war in iraq to declaring victory since his endorsement by george “the w stands for wowee” bush, challenged obama to a surrendering contest in iraq. “we’re winning. casualties have plummeted from 800 a year to 799. gasoline has gone from an economy-wrecking $1.89 a gallon to a painless $4.00. a free and independent government of iraq can cave into al-sadr any time it wants to. of course, i’m sick at heart over mistakes made early in the war. mistakes like, starting it. mistakes like, sending over 4,000 american troops into a roadside meat grinder. mistakes like, letting american soldiers live in filthy dog kennels and giving them worse medical care than i got as a pow in vietnam. mistakes like, holding the american people and their children hostage to a bumper sticker slogan. but things are going so great now, i’d recommend staying another hundred years!” then “tailunner joe” lieberman tossed him a scooby snack. then he tucked mccain into bed and read him a story. “goldilocks and the three israeli lobbyists flush america down a chinese toilet at wal-mart.” then he kissed hm goodnight. then he asked dick “dick” cheney “what are your orders, sir?” then he saluted. then he gave jimmy carter a dirty look. then he went to the lobby of the national bank of israel to use the cash machine.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/26/mccain-blasts-obama-for-not-visiting-iraq-since-06-challenging-joint-trip/
4. former “president” jimmy “i won a nobel peace prize before they started handing them out like free condoms at a california gay wedding reception” carter, who taught joe “loyal as a cat” lieberman everything he knows about caving into israeli lobbyists, accused the totally legal, if not totally ethical, state of israel of possessing 150 nuclear weapons. then he vowed to do for mideast peace what he did for peanut butter and democratic presidential politics. “that stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. and by the way, where’s my oscar?”
http://rawstory.com/news/2008/Fox_Carter_mention_of_Israeli_nukes_0527.html
hillary one steps, obama two steps, texas backsteps
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a soiled pants suit, pounding boilermakers. “will no one rid me of this troublesome flibbertijibbet?”
1. texas officials, who never railroad anybody and prove it by releasing wrongly convicted prisoners every other week, have now admitted that they are jealous of how young many of the “girls” seized by swat teams from their homes last month appear, even though some of them are as old as 47. “it must be the homemade yogurt.” then they searched the fclds (motto: “you thought mormons were crazy”) compound. again. “we’re going to find something. somebody left the toilet the seat up. somebody forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. somebody voted for barack obama. and when we find what we’re looking for, we’re going to do what we’re dying to do.” asked about the seeming fountain of youth possessed by the fclds women. “their foster families, under state supervision, have placed them on a normal texas diet of moon pies, marlboros, and mescal. they’ll be looking their age by christmas. and then the South’s gonna do It again!”
http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/21/1049578.aspx
2. “tailgunner joe” leiberman, who is so loyal to the democratic party that nominated him for vice-president in 2004 that he is now john mccain’s personal abassador to the state of isreali lobbyists, “explained” obama’s presidential candidacy at a very, very expensive dinner in new york. “you see, democratic party leaders have been kowtowing to the liberal voters of the party, instead of kowtowing to the isreali lobby like a good president should.” then he tossed mccain a scooby snack. then he said, “and look what that leads to—a flibbertijibbet running for president. oy vey!”
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2008/05/lieberman_explains_obama_1.asp
3. jimmy “you see one giant swimming rabbit, you’ve seen them all” carter, who did not snicker when news broke that ted “has anybody seen my gal?” kennedy is dying from a brain tumor, doubted that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re two thousand miles from kentucky” obama would pick godzillary as his running mate. “i begged ted be my running mate in ‘76, but no, the selfish s.o.b. had to stay in the senate and swing that big gut of his around, busting up my presidency like a china shop. you know, i actually won a presidential election. where’s my lousy oscar?” then he started handing out souvenir t-shirts. “we’re running out of kennedys!”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/21/carter-obama-clinton-ticket-unlikely/
4. hillary “give it your best shot” clinton, who is just a hearbeat away from the democratic party’s “nomination” for president, campaigned in south dakota, explaining why she’s still in the race. “i think people have short-barelled memories. hubert humphrey was a long shot away from the nomination until june of 1968—and then, bang! one kennedy, more or less. it’s just a shot in the dark, but i have a feeling, and i’m not the only one, that somebody’s looking at a certain uppity candidate through a scope right now, waiting for a silver bullet, some kind of bullseye, a sign from jodie foster. and let’s not forget all the subliminal advertising ricocheting around time magazine and youtube these days. it’s a real helter skelter. there’s an old saying in politics—sic semper flibbertijibbets!”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/23/clinton.comments/index.html
5. president john mccain canceled a fundraiser in phoenix after being threatened with several hundred union protesters. “i don’t take campaign money, anyway. besides, lieberman’s friends have more money than god. besides, my wife has more money than god. besides, the republican party has more money than god. besides, i have more lobbyists in my car right now than hillary’s got popular votes.” then lieberman tucked him in and read him a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three lone gunmen set their sights on denver.” then he kissed him goodnight.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/24/mccain-fundraiser-moved-amid-protest-threats/
6. intimates of “senator” ted “hold me closer, tiny dancer” kennedy are upbeat despite his prognosis of terminal brain cancer. “he’s only five or ten years older than mccain. besides, he’s survived things that killed ordinary secretaries. so we’re hopeful. besides, caroline can’t get us a good table at cheers.”
1. texas officials, who never railroad anybody and prove it by releasing wrongly convicted prisoners every other week, have now admitted that they are jealous of how young many of the “girls” seized by swat teams from their homes last month appear, even though some of them are as old as 47. “it must be the homemade yogurt.” then they searched the fclds (motto: “you thought mormons were crazy”) compound. again. “we’re going to find something. somebody left the toilet the seat up. somebody forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. somebody voted for barack obama. and when we find what we’re looking for, we’re going to do what we’re dying to do.” asked about the seeming fountain of youth possessed by the fclds women. “their foster families, under state supervision, have placed them on a normal texas diet of moon pies, marlboros, and mescal. they’ll be looking their age by christmas. and then the South’s gonna do It again!”
http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/21/1049578.aspx
2. “tailgunner joe” leiberman, who is so loyal to the democratic party that nominated him for vice-president in 2004 that he is now john mccain’s personal abassador to the state of isreali lobbyists, “explained” obama’s presidential candidacy at a very, very expensive dinner in new york. “you see, democratic party leaders have been kowtowing to the liberal voters of the party, instead of kowtowing to the isreali lobby like a good president should.” then he tossed mccain a scooby snack. then he said, “and look what that leads to—a flibbertijibbet running for president. oy vey!”
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2008/05/lieberman_explains_obama_1.asp
3. jimmy “you see one giant swimming rabbit, you’ve seen them all” carter, who did not snicker when news broke that ted “has anybody seen my gal?” kennedy is dying from a brain tumor, doubted that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re two thousand miles from kentucky” obama would pick godzillary as his running mate. “i begged ted be my running mate in ‘76, but no, the selfish s.o.b. had to stay in the senate and swing that big gut of his around, busting up my presidency like a china shop. you know, i actually won a presidential election. where’s my lousy oscar?” then he started handing out souvenir t-shirts. “we’re running out of kennedys!”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/21/carter-obama-clinton-ticket-unlikely/
4. hillary “give it your best shot” clinton, who is just a hearbeat away from the democratic party’s “nomination” for president, campaigned in south dakota, explaining why she’s still in the race. “i think people have short-barelled memories. hubert humphrey was a long shot away from the nomination until june of 1968—and then, bang! one kennedy, more or less. it’s just a shot in the dark, but i have a feeling, and i’m not the only one, that somebody’s looking at a certain uppity candidate through a scope right now, waiting for a silver bullet, some kind of bullseye, a sign from jodie foster. and let’s not forget all the subliminal advertising ricocheting around time magazine and youtube these days. it’s a real helter skelter. there’s an old saying in politics—sic semper flibbertijibbets!”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/23/clinton.comments/index.html
5. president john mccain canceled a fundraiser in phoenix after being threatened with several hundred union protesters. “i don’t take campaign money, anyway. besides, lieberman’s friends have more money than god. besides, my wife has more money than god. besides, the republican party has more money than god. besides, i have more lobbyists in my car right now than hillary’s got popular votes.” then lieberman tucked him in and read him a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three lone gunmen set their sights on denver.” then he kissed him goodnight.
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/24/mccain-fundraiser-moved-amid-protest-threats/
6. intimates of “senator” ted “hold me closer, tiny dancer” kennedy are upbeat despite his prognosis of terminal brain cancer. “he’s only five or ten years older than mccain. besides, he’s survived things that killed ordinary secretaries. so we’re hopeful. besides, caroline can’t get us a good table at cheers.”
hillary lobs, obama knobs, mccain sobs
it’s 3 am. the phone at nra headquarters is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a lavender pants suit. “i would gladly pay you tuesday for a hamburger job today. no, the first tuesday in november.”
1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they obliterate three pints of green tea-saffron low-fat frozen yogurt” obama, who now holds the majority of “elected” delegates in the “democratic” party’s race for presidential “nominee,” chickened out of declaring victory tuesday night. instead, he said the white house is now within reach. “we’re almost there,” he told a throbbing throng of thrilled supporters. “all we need now is a few million white votes, and we’re in like flynn.”
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/05/21/politics/horserace/entry4112974.shtml
2. hillary “it’ll be over by february 5th” clinton vowed to fight on “until every single voter in the democratic party, and every single fan of rush limbaugh, is completely and utterly sick and tired of me.”
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/21/the-early-word-two-more-weeks/
3. chelsea clinton, who looks so much like her father it’s scary, vowed to continue ducking reporter’s questions “until this nomination fight is over, until every republican has been heard, until rush’s choice has been made clear.”
http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/15609.html
4. senator ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who has sandbagged each and every democratic nominee for president since 1972, endorsed obama earlier in the year, crippling early favorite hillary clinton, and is now going to upstage obama’s campaign with daily updates on his health. “obamamamananania may be sweeping the country, but this party’s all about the kennedys.”
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/story?id=4896380&page=1
5. president john mccain teared up when he heard that senator ted “take two sleeping pills and call the highway patrol in the morning” kennedy has been diagnosed with a fatal brain tumor. “i’ll never, ever forget the day he kneecapped jimmy carter on behalf of my hero, ronald reagan. that was beautiful.” then vice peresident “tailgunner joe” lieberman dabbed his tears with a hanky. then he tucked him under the covers. then he read mccain a bedtime story. “goldilocks and the three kennedys slip godzillary a flibbertijibbet.” then he kissed him goodnight.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2008/05/21/2008-05-21_news_of_ted_kennedys_illness_brings_roll.html
obama celebrates, hillary instigates, texas polygamates
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a red white and blue pants suit answers. “you have reached the guns’n’ammo’n’boilermakers hotline. if you know the name of the flibbertijibbet you wish to assassinate, press 1.”
1. the Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, campaigning for her “mother” in oregon declared, “my mom would make an even better president than my dad. let’s face it, britney spear’s mom would make an even better president than my dad. at least she’s not a flibbertijibbet.” then former “president” bill “just relax and let this happen” clinton took the microphone for a few hours. “i’m very proud of my daughter, who looks just like me. when my wife blamed chelsea (who “works” for avenue capital group on wall street) for bush’s recession, she left her job and joined the campaign. and the conomy’s already started to improve. imagine how great it would be if she moved back into amy’s treehouse behind the White’s house. i mean white house. heil hillary!”
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/19/bill-chelsea-clinton-stump-in-oregon-for-hillary/
2. hillary “the check is in the mail, along with a one-year subscription to guns’n’ammo’n’white people magazine” clinton, campaigning in kentucky, blasted “some folks who don’t want your votes to count. the way i didn’t want the votes in michigan and florida to count, until i started losing.” asked whether she was considering dropping out of the race, clinton cackled. “you don’t walk off the court until the buzzer sounds. who knows, you might get a three-point rifle shot in the end.” then she winked at huckleberry. then she winked at hinckley. then she winked at squeaky fromme. then she winked at puffy puff daddy pee diddy diddily iddily. then she winked at someone behind a grassy knoll.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/mike-huckabee-o.html
3. president john mccain, after a late-night performance on SNL, took a long nap sunday. his right hand man, “tailgunner joe” lieberman, reassured the completely legal, totally ethical state of israel that “the president will never be too sleepy to obliterate, invade, or otherwise destroy any country the state of israel wants us to. and that includes america.” then he spoon fed mccain a pint of mint chocolate chip from lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, oregon. then he tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.
4. texas officials, who never railroad anybody, just released james lee woodward, a flibbertijibbet railroaded on charges of rape and murder 27 years ago. dna evidence finally cleared him. “we’re waiting on dna tests to come back on those polygamist babies. cross your fingers!” then they admitted that another “underage” poly mother turned out to be an adult. then they admitted that texas lost the civil war. “but we’re going to do it again!”
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iIdMpRHjN4hpNKBhfYyAsR4DDo4QD90N2T8G0
5. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’ve taken a few hits in the press room” o’bama, without declaring victory in the “democratic” party nomination contest, declared victory before a crowd of 80,000 people in oregon. then he gave a shout out to bill “what have you done for me lately” richardson. then he gave a shout out to ted “it’s my party, and i’ll sandbag who i want to” kennedy. then he gave a shout out to george “thanks for the memories” mcgovern. then he gave a shout out to oprah “bros before hos” winfrey. then he gave a shout out to bob “banana splits” barr. then he obliterated lew’s dari-freeze in milwaukie, orgeon. then he obliterated prince puckler’s.
http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/05/18/obama-holds-huge-rally-in-oregon/?mod=WSJBlog
hillary fades, obama raids, china degrades
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in a pants suit and bifocals, pounding boilermakers. “it’s my party, and i’ll cry if i want to.”
1. the chinese government (motto: “you see one tibetan peasant grease the tracks of a type 98 tank, you’ve seen them all”) have become so paranoid about western journalists “lying” about them that they now forbid foreign media from covering even humanitarian efforts in earthquake ravaged areas. “confucius say, turn off your chinese-made cameras and chinese-made microphones and chinese-made iphones and chinese-made laptops and go back home and buy more chinese-made reeboks and chinese-made levis and chinese-made iphones. and don’t come back for the olympics, either. chinese-edited versions of olympic broadcasts will be available on pirated dvd’s in gip joints everywhere.” then they bought hillary’s presidential campaign for twenty yuan on the dollar. then they bought mccain’s campaign for 19 yuan on the dollar. then they bought cindy mccain’s tax returns for 18 yuan on the dollar. then they bought walmart with al gore’s nobel prize money.
photo copyright 2006 tommy jonq all rights reserved
http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/16/1030551.aspx
2. friday, secretary of the “treasury” (motto: “the check is in the mail”) henry paulson predicted that the u.s. economy would recover by the end of the year. “just as soon as it bottoms out.” then he announced plans to visit oil-wealthy mideast countries that despise america’s support for the perfectly legal if so-so eithical state of israeli lobbyists, to promote america’s open investment policy. “we’ll take whatever they’ve got. spare change. left over hillary campaign iou’s. anything.”
http://www.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUSN1643918320080516
3. godzillary, desperately trying not become john edwards, launched a new ad campaign financed with food stamps and loose cigarettes. then she accused “president” bush of making accusations. “president bush's comparison of any democrat to nazi appeasers is both offensive and outrageous on the face of it, especially in light of his failures in foreign policy. he has repeatedly failed to appease anybody. besides, there are very clear differences between republicans and democrats on foreign policy. the republicans have too much and the democrats don’t have any. for example, just because i’m publicly opposed to a new free trade deal with colombia does not mean that my husband can’t make $800,000 dollars lobbying for it.” then she obliterated the iranian olympic ballroom dancing team for not kissing the chinese flag properly. then she bought a uranium mine in kazakhstan. “i just loved borat.” then she obliterated a nick of Colombian Gold. then she sold a busload of texas polygamist babies to wal-mart for bus fare to denver. “nuggets-ville or bust!”
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/archive/2008/05/16/clinton-s-classy-exit-strategy.aspx
4. the Old Kids On the Block are back, ready or not. care or not. “it was surreal at first” jordan knight said about their first rehearsal last week. “of course, it was surreal the lst time around. but you have not lived until you’ve seen 5 homer simpsons line dancing in front of a crowd of thousands of screaming marge simpsons.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24635510/
5. george “it takes two to make a landslide” mcgovern, the latest in a long, long line of democratic party presidential election losers to endorse barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re taking hits in the press room” o’bama, explained that “when i endorsed hillary—as payback for her and bill’s “support” in my own 1972 campaign—my kids, my grandkids, nieces, nephews, and their friends all enlisted in the obama campaign. it just goes to show i don’t have any more support among young people now than i did in 1972.” obama thanked mccgovern and then looked forward “to the day when a winner from the democratic party endorses my campaign.” then he looked longingly at jimmy carter. then he looked longingly at bill clinton. then he looked longingly at al gore’s oscar.
http://blogs.reuters.com/trail08/2008/05/16/mcgovern-reveals-real-reason-for-obama-endorsement-switch/
1. the chinese government (motto: “you see one tibetan peasant grease the tracks of a type 98 tank, you’ve seen them all”) have become so paranoid about western journalists “lying” about them that they now forbid foreign media from covering even humanitarian efforts in earthquake ravaged areas. “confucius say, turn off your chinese-made cameras and chinese-made microphones and chinese-made iphones and chinese-made laptops and go back home and buy more chinese-made reeboks and chinese-made levis and chinese-made iphones. and don’t come back for the olympics, either. chinese-edited versions of olympic broadcasts will be available on pirated dvd’s in gip joints everywhere.” then they bought hillary’s presidential campaign for twenty yuan on the dollar. then they bought mccain’s campaign for 19 yuan on the dollar. then they bought cindy mccain’s tax returns for 18 yuan on the dollar. then they bought walmart with al gore’s nobel prize money.
photo copyright 2006 tommy jonq all rights reserved
http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/16/1030551.aspx
2. friday, secretary of the “treasury” (motto: “the check is in the mail”) henry paulson predicted that the u.s. economy would recover by the end of the year. “just as soon as it bottoms out.” then he announced plans to visit oil-wealthy mideast countries that despise america’s support for the perfectly legal if so-so eithical state of israeli lobbyists, to promote america’s open investment policy. “we’ll take whatever they’ve got. spare change. left over hillary campaign iou’s. anything.”
http://www.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUSN1643918320080516
3. godzillary, desperately trying not become john edwards, launched a new ad campaign financed with food stamps and loose cigarettes. then she accused “president” bush of making accusations. “president bush's comparison of any democrat to nazi appeasers is both offensive and outrageous on the face of it, especially in light of his failures in foreign policy. he has repeatedly failed to appease anybody. besides, there are very clear differences between republicans and democrats on foreign policy. the republicans have too much and the democrats don’t have any. for example, just because i’m publicly opposed to a new free trade deal with colombia does not mean that my husband can’t make $800,000 dollars lobbying for it.” then she obliterated the iranian olympic ballroom dancing team for not kissing the chinese flag properly. then she bought a uranium mine in kazakhstan. “i just loved borat.” then she obliterated a nick of Colombian Gold. then she sold a busload of texas polygamist babies to wal-mart for bus fare to denver. “nuggets-ville or bust!”
http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/stumper/archive/2008/05/16/clinton-s-classy-exit-strategy.aspx
4. the Old Kids On the Block are back, ready or not. care or not. “it was surreal at first” jordan knight said about their first rehearsal last week. “of course, it was surreal the lst time around. but you have not lived until you’ve seen 5 homer simpsons line dancing in front of a crowd of thousands of screaming marge simpsons.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24635510/
5. george “it takes two to make a landslide” mcgovern, the latest in a long, long line of democratic party presidential election losers to endorse barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re taking hits in the press room” o’bama, explained that “when i endorsed hillary—as payback for her and bill’s “support” in my own 1972 campaign—my kids, my grandkids, nieces, nephews, and their friends all enlisted in the obama campaign. it just goes to show i don’t have any more support among young people now than i did in 1972.” obama thanked mccgovern and then looked forward “to the day when a winner from the democratic party endorses my campaign.” then he looked longingly at jimmy carter. then he looked longingly at bill clinton. then he looked longingly at al gore’s oscar.
http://blogs.reuters.com/trail08/2008/05/16/mcgovern-reveals-real-reason-for-obama-endorsement-switch/
obama kisses clinton goodbye, lieberman kisses mccain goodnight
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. a “woman” in bifocals and a rumpled pants suit answers. “if you drop out now, sweetie, i’ll make it worth your while.”
1. the Gutless Wonder, who helped john “meet my nazi wife” kerry manage to somehow lose the 2004 election (to an incumbent “president” who has shattered all records for un-approval ratings,) and who finished third in his own state in his own party this time around, finally peeked out from behind mama’s apron long enough to jump on the o’bama o’bandwagon, giving the Handsome Devil a dozen or two delegates that long ago ceased to matter to anyone. hillary “the check is in the mail” clinton was unimpressed. “you’re going to have godzillary to kick around for a long, long time. i haven’t even begun to kneecap the flibbertijibbet.” then she winked at “reverend” jeremiah whight. then she winked at geraldine “in queens, we shoot first and ask who’s a flibbertijibbet later” ferarro. then she winked at tony “some of my best friends are under indictment for being friends of the ‘rack” rezko. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at ed “jews for jesus. and hillary” rendell. then she winked at “tailgunner joe” lieberman. then she winked at john “with endorsers like hillary, who needs bob barr?” mccain. then she obliterated a texas polygamist compound in iran.
2. barack “when irsh eyes are smiling they call everybody sweetie” o’bama, who is running for the democratic “party” nomination for president for some reason that no intelligent person can fathom, apologized for not answering a tv reporter’s question in michigan. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he bought 17,328 boxes of cookies from a michigan girl scout.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355758,00.html
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/14/obama-hold-on-sweetie/#comment-1004478
3. iranian president ahmadenijad vowed that “israel is facing death and annhilation. no, really. i mean it. don’t laugh.” then he annhilated a five-pound can of caviar. then he annhilated a ten-pound bag of pistachios. the real ones, not the spray-painted ones you see in the “grocery” stores. then he annhilated a schoolbus full of iraqi schoolchildren. then he fedexed obama a case of pomegranate-saffron syrup and a recipe for low-carb falafels, along with a hallahmark card congratulating him on landing edward’s endorsement. “death to infidels, sweetie!”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355599,00.html
4. president john mccain, unconcerned about an obama attempt to unseat him in the fall elections, declared that the war in iraq “could be over in four years.” then “tailgunner” joe lieberman (whose 2004 running mate, al “where’s my oscar polish?” gore, managed to lose the election—somehow) gently whispered in mccain’s ear that the iraq war has already gone on for more than five years. “i meant a hundred.” then he dozed off. then lieberman tucked him and kissed him good night. then he sent an israeli hit squad after bob barr.
http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/15/1024578.aspx
hillary trounces, barack bounces, texas flounces
it’s 3 am. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit is on the phone, and she won’t hang up. “for your generous donation of 2,500 dollars, you get a four-year subscription to Blowin’ It magazine. heil hillary!”
1. senator and former “presidential” hopeful ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who owns a very expensive yacht, hinted on monday that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, but not nominated” obama should pick someone slightly less rat-gagging than hillary “some of my best friends are endorsing obama” clinton. “i would hope that obama would also give consideration to somebody that is in tune with the nobler aspirations of the american people. aspirations like, winning a presidential election for a change instead of kneecapping fellow democrats, like bobby did to johnson and i did to mcgovern and carter. especially carter. you remember carter. he couldn’t get a law passed against farting in church. for some reason.” then he winked at bob barr.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/kennedy-on-obam.html
2. godzillary “won” the west virginia (motto: “serving jack daniels to underage ohio kids since the civil war”) democratic primary by a huge margin that could not possibly matter less. “if you think about how the patriots won most of the superbowl, it sort of makes sense that i have won most of the nomination. if you think about how the patriots were undefeated until the superbowl, if you include the games they cheated in, then it sort of makes sense that i have won all the primaries i have cheated in. if you think about how the patriots are married to an intern-spitzering scumbag and have a shovel-ugly daughter who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, then it sort of makes sense that i have no reason to live if i can’t be president.”
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/hillaryclintonw.html
3. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they stay the hell out of west virginia” obama, who is seeking to defeat incumbent president john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain in the november elections, congratulated hillary clinton “on her absolutely meaningless win in west virginia.” then he offered her the vice-presidency. “of loserville, usa. population: hubert “if mcgovern is still alive, then i’m still alive” humphrey, george “if nancy is still alive, then i’m still alive” mcgovern, michael “if gary hart is still allowed to attend democratic party meetings, then i am still allowed to attend democratic party meetings” dukakis, john “al got an oscar and a nobel. where’s my oscar? where’s my nobel? kerry, al “winning isn’t everything, not when you’re up for an emmy” gore, and jimmy “you know what’s worse than losing? winning, that’s what” carter.” then he flipped her the bird. then he winked at kennedy. then he winked at richardson. then he winked at reich. then he winked at the colombian trade minister. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he obliterated a double stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.
http://donklephant.com/2008/01/27/caroline-kennedy-obama-jfk/
4. texas (motto: “we won our independence from mexico, so we didn’t really need to win our independence from america to prove how butch we are”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, today continued their efforts to seize custody of an ultra-way-out, superduper-mormon baby born april 29 to a woman who is not, after all, a minor. “we want the child anyway. it’s ridiculous to think of letting parents raise their own children. besides, these people aren’t even baptists. besides, they don’t even drink beer. besides, they don’t even shoot guns. besides, they don’t even lynch flibbertijibbets or drag them behind their pickup trucks. besides, some of these children have never even seen a confederate flag. and they sure as shootin’ don’t know where to cut the eye holes on a bed sheet. besides, the south’s going to do it again.” texas officials declined to say who’s next.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355504,00.html
5. you must see:
1. senator and former “presidential” hopeful ted “take a deep breath and hold it” kennedy, who owns a very expensive yacht, hinted on monday that barack “when irish eyes are smiling, but not nominated” obama should pick someone slightly less rat-gagging than hillary “some of my best friends are endorsing obama” clinton. “i would hope that obama would also give consideration to somebody that is in tune with the nobler aspirations of the american people. aspirations like, winning a presidential election for a change instead of kneecapping fellow democrats, like bobby did to johnson and i did to mcgovern and carter. especially carter. you remember carter. he couldn’t get a law passed against farting in church. for some reason.” then he winked at bob barr.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/05/kennedy-on-obam.html
2. godzillary “won” the west virginia (motto: “serving jack daniels to underage ohio kids since the civil war”) democratic primary by a huge margin that could not possibly matter less. “if you think about how the patriots won most of the superbowl, it sort of makes sense that i have won most of the nomination. if you think about how the patriots were undefeated until the superbowl, if you include the games they cheated in, then it sort of makes sense that i have won all the primaries i have cheated in. if you think about how the patriots are married to an intern-spitzering scumbag and have a shovel-ugly daughter who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, then it sort of makes sense that i have no reason to live if i can’t be president.”
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/hillaryclintonw.html
3. barack “when irish eyes are smiling they stay the hell out of west virginia” obama, who is seeking to defeat incumbent president john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral” mccain in the november elections, congratulated hillary clinton “on her absolutely meaningless win in west virginia.” then he offered her the vice-presidency. “of loserville, usa. population: hubert “if mcgovern is still alive, then i’m still alive” humphrey, george “if nancy is still alive, then i’m still alive” mcgovern, michael “if gary hart is still allowed to attend democratic party meetings, then i am still allowed to attend democratic party meetings” dukakis, john “al got an oscar and a nobel. where’s my oscar? where’s my nobel? kerry, al “winning isn’t everything, not when you’re up for an emmy” gore, and jimmy “you know what’s worse than losing? winning, that’s what” carter.” then he flipped her the bird. then he winked at kennedy. then he winked at richardson. then he winked at reich. then he winked at the colombian trade minister. then he took a few hits in the press room. then he obliterated a double stack of low-carb pancakes with pomegranate-saffron syrup.
http://donklephant.com/2008/01/27/caroline-kennedy-obama-jfk/
4. texas (motto: “we won our independence from mexico, so we didn’t really need to win our independence from america to prove how butch we are”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, today continued their efforts to seize custody of an ultra-way-out, superduper-mormon baby born april 29 to a woman who is not, after all, a minor. “we want the child anyway. it’s ridiculous to think of letting parents raise their own children. besides, these people aren’t even baptists. besides, they don’t even drink beer. besides, they don’t even shoot guns. besides, they don’t even lynch flibbertijibbets or drag them behind their pickup trucks. besides, some of these children have never even seen a confederate flag. and they sure as shootin’ don’t know where to cut the eye holes on a bed sheet. besides, the south’s going to do it again.” texas officials declined to say who’s next.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355504,00.html
5. you must see:
obama winning, hillary skinning, mccain spinning
it’s 3 am. the phone is ringing. it’s a woman in bifocals and a rumpled pants suit. “tell that irredeemable son of a bitch to quit goofing off and start blogging again. heil hillary!”
the readers have made their choice loud and clear: they wouldn’t read my other blog if godzillary herself threatened to eat their children. so it’s back to politiqs—with many, many thanks. remember: if we can laugh at the bastards, then they can’t hurt us. much.
1. hillary “the bear is dead, but she won’t lie down” clinton, who has no chance of winning either the democratic “party” nomination or the presidency, is leading barack “when irish eyes are smiling in chicago. but not gary” obama by whopping margins in west virginia and kentucky anyway. she’s out of money. she’s out of “friends.” she’s out of her mind. but she knows that staying in the race is worth a shot. “in the event that the presumptive nominee should be unable to fulfill his duties, either for reasons of health or a lone gunman on a grassy knoll, i’ll be there. with a vengeance.” then she winked at rev jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight. then she winked at louis “with a semi-black man in the white house, i’ll have no reason to complain” farakkhan. then she winked at al “if i can’t be the first more or less black president, then i’ll start another race riot in queens” sharpton. then she winked at geraldine “i’ll stand behind the nominee like i stood behind mondale” ferarro. then she winked at mark “what’s good for colombia trade deals is good for my other clients, too” penn. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at bill “mrs jones you’ve got a lovely daughter” clinton. then her eye swelled shut.
http://www.fayettetribune.com/local/local_story_133121113.html
2. barack “if this was a real political party, i’d be the nominee by now” obama, who foolishly believed that the “democratic” party could actually get its shit together for once, has now raised more money than eliot spitzer could spend in three weeks. he has more delegates, more superdelegates, more superduperdelegates, and more celebrity and political endorsements than all other candidates combined, republican or democrat. he is the darling of the foreign press. women swoon at his approach. his only obstacle now: the majority of “democrats” wouldn’t vote for a black person for president if jesus christ himself put a gun to their sunday school teacher’s head and threatened to smite the jack daniels distillery with the wrath of god.
http://news.mainetoday.com/updates/026894.html
3. president john mccain, who wouldn’t know the difference between a muslim terrorist and an isreali lobbyist if jesus christ himself drew a picture on “tailgunner joe” lieberman’s ass, offered to debate theoretical democratic nominee barack “why would anyone with a harvard education and my looks and charm join such an idiotic mob of self-defeating yahoos, anyway?” obama one-on-one, with no moderators. “and three scheduled nap breaks. and one unscheduled.” then he thanked hillary for her endorsement. then he thanked bill. then he thanked geraldine. then he thanked “reverend” whight. then he thanked george “i owe everything to billary” stephanopoulos. then he thanked sean “i taught stepho everything he knows about tv journalism” hannity. then he thanked hamas. then joe nudged him. then he dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-pope/where-in-the-world-is-joh_b_101417.html
4. the ruling junta (rhymes with “hookah) of myanmar (motto: “the artist formally known as burma, until we got tired of selling shaving cream”) refused to allow international aid workers to enter the country and help save what’s left of the survivors of last week’s cyclone. “president mccain’s advisors said not to do anything until he wakes up.”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/12/campaign-advisers-quite-over-foreign-links-meetings/
5. you must see:
the readers have made their choice loud and clear: they wouldn’t read my other blog if godzillary herself threatened to eat their children. so it’s back to politiqs—with many, many thanks. remember: if we can laugh at the bastards, then they can’t hurt us. much.
1. hillary “the bear is dead, but she won’t lie down” clinton, who has no chance of winning either the democratic “party” nomination or the presidency, is leading barack “when irish eyes are smiling in chicago. but not gary” obama by whopping margins in west virginia and kentucky anyway. she’s out of money. she’s out of “friends.” she’s out of her mind. but she knows that staying in the race is worth a shot. “in the event that the presumptive nominee should be unable to fulfill his duties, either for reasons of health or a lone gunman on a grassy knoll, i’ll be there. with a vengeance.” then she winked at rev jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight. then she winked at louis “with a semi-black man in the white house, i’ll have no reason to complain” farakkhan. then she winked at al “if i can’t be the first more or less black president, then i’ll start another race riot in queens” sharpton. then she winked at geraldine “i’ll stand behind the nominee like i stood behind mondale” ferarro. then she winked at mark “what’s good for colombia trade deals is good for my other clients, too” penn. then she winked at james “the ragin’ cajun hemorrhoid” carville. then she winked at bill “mrs jones you’ve got a lovely daughter” clinton. then her eye swelled shut.
http://www.fayettetribune.com/local/local_story_133121113.html
2. barack “if this was a real political party, i’d be the nominee by now” obama, who foolishly believed that the “democratic” party could actually get its shit together for once, has now raised more money than eliot spitzer could spend in three weeks. he has more delegates, more superdelegates, more superduperdelegates, and more celebrity and political endorsements than all other candidates combined, republican or democrat. he is the darling of the foreign press. women swoon at his approach. his only obstacle now: the majority of “democrats” wouldn’t vote for a black person for president if jesus christ himself put a gun to their sunday school teacher’s head and threatened to smite the jack daniels distillery with the wrath of god.
http://news.mainetoday.com/updates/026894.html
3. president john mccain, who wouldn’t know the difference between a muslim terrorist and an isreali lobbyist if jesus christ himself drew a picture on “tailgunner joe” lieberman’s ass, offered to debate theoretical democratic nominee barack “why would anyone with a harvard education and my looks and charm join such an idiotic mob of self-defeating yahoos, anyway?” obama one-on-one, with no moderators. “and three scheduled nap breaks. and one unscheduled.” then he thanked hillary for her endorsement. then he thanked bill. then he thanked geraldine. then he thanked “reverend” whight. then he thanked george “i owe everything to billary” stephanopoulos. then he thanked sean “i taught stepho everything he knows about tv journalism” hannity. then he thanked hamas. then joe nudged him. then he dozed off.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carl-pope/where-in-the-world-is-joh_b_101417.html
4. the ruling junta (rhymes with “hookah) of myanmar (motto: “the artist formally known as burma, until we got tired of selling shaving cream”) refused to allow international aid workers to enter the country and help save what’s left of the survivors of last week’s cyclone. “president mccain’s advisors said not to do anything until he wakes up.”
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/12/campaign-advisers-quite-over-foreign-links-meetings/
5. you must see:
hillary closes the gap
it's 3 am. turn out the lights. the party’s over.
1. break out the budweiser and the squirrel guns—the Great White Hope is set to finish off the Flibbertijibbet, once and for all, on tuesday. the “democrats,” who haven’t gotten 50 percent of the vote in a presidential election since 1964, won’t get fifty percent of the vote in november, either. whitezillary is not just polishing the silver with obama’s ass, she’s reminding—with a bitter, shrieking vengeance—all those voters who got excited over obama why they weren’t “democrats” in the first place. and they will remember—with a vengeance—in november. it’s enough to make an irredeemable son of a bitch run out and join the green party. so he did.
2. barack “why the fuck did i ever think this mob of unemployed, beer-guzzling, lesbian-aborting, whale-worshipping, shotgun-kissing rednecked losers could possibly get their shit together for once, anyway?” obama, who is still running for the nomination of the democratic (motto: “we can lose any election, any time, any place”) party like it matters any more, stubbornly refuses to get into the gutter with the former first “lady,” no matter how many cojones james carville says she has. “if you really, really want a hatchet-wielding, daughter-pimping, race-baiting, pathological liar to flush what’s left of your jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart, she’s standing over there, next to the Dateless Wonder and the Thing That Can’t Keep His Hands Off Your Daughter.”
3. “reverend” jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight, whose new mansion cost a lot more than thirty pieces of silver, celebrated whitezillary’s victory all week. “let this be a lesson to all you young african-americans out there: don’t get too uppity.” then he winked at geraldine “niggers have it easy” ferarro. then he winked at mark “i told you spics won’t vote for a nigger” penn. then he winked at ed “wops wouldn’t vote for a nigger if you flushed every last one of their jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart” rendell. then he winked at evan “polacks and coon asses wouldn’t vote for a nigger if jesus christ himself climbed down from the bloody cross and begged them to do it” bayh. then he winked at harold “do you really want a nigger in the White house at 3 am?” ickes. then he winked at maggie “no one would ever suspect a black woman of kneecapping a nigger. would they?” williams. then he winked at sean “jesus, if i’d known they’d kneecap their own niggers, i wouldn’t have bothered showing stephanopoulos how to do it” hannity. then he winked at bill “the first—and last—nigger president” clinton. then he winked at george “a lot of black people voted for me in 2004. and now you know why” bush. then “reverend” whight kissed dick cheney on the lips. then he got into bed. then an irredeemable son of a bitch ran out and joined the green party.
4. john “if anybody’s whiter than hillary, it’s me” mccain cruised through another week of the “democratic” party’s suicide orgy unscathed. not even an endorsement from dubya can stop him now. winners, unlike losers, learn from past mistakes. bill “if anybody needs me, i’ll be spitzering on your daughter’s prom dress” clinton “won” two presidential elections by splitting the republicans with a flakey third party candidate. so this time, the republicans have simply nominated the flake and eliminated the middle man. game over.
5. starting tuesday. or maybe wednesday (i have real “papers” to write for): it’s back to “the daily jonq,” where an irredeemable son of a bitch belongs. thanks for reading. i hope you got a laugh out of the dog’s breakfast of ass clowns we call american democracy. now it’s time to laugh at the rest of america’s ass clowns.
6. by popular demand (startling demand, in fact) i'm sticking with politiqs by jonq. just remember: you asked for it. and thanks.
1. break out the budweiser and the squirrel guns—the Great White Hope is set to finish off the Flibbertijibbet, once and for all, on tuesday. the “democrats,” who haven’t gotten 50 percent of the vote in a presidential election since 1964, won’t get fifty percent of the vote in november, either. whitezillary is not just polishing the silver with obama’s ass, she’s reminding—with a bitter, shrieking vengeance—all those voters who got excited over obama why they weren’t “democrats” in the first place. and they will remember—with a vengeance—in november. it’s enough to make an irredeemable son of a bitch run out and join the green party. so he did.
2. barack “why the fuck did i ever think this mob of unemployed, beer-guzzling, lesbian-aborting, whale-worshipping, shotgun-kissing rednecked losers could possibly get their shit together for once, anyway?” obama, who is still running for the nomination of the democratic (motto: “we can lose any election, any time, any place”) party like it matters any more, stubbornly refuses to get into the gutter with the former first “lady,” no matter how many cojones james carville says she has. “if you really, really want a hatchet-wielding, daughter-pimping, race-baiting, pathological liar to flush what’s left of your jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart, she’s standing over there, next to the Dateless Wonder and the Thing That Can’t Keep His Hands Off Your Daughter.”
3. “reverend” jeremiah “anything judas can do, i can do better” whight, whose new mansion cost a lot more than thirty pieces of silver, celebrated whitezillary’s victory all week. “let this be a lesson to all you young african-americans out there: don’t get too uppity.” then he winked at geraldine “niggers have it easy” ferarro. then he winked at mark “i told you spics won’t vote for a nigger” penn. then he winked at ed “wops wouldn’t vote for a nigger if you flushed every last one of their jobs down a chinese toilet at wal-mart” rendell. then he winked at evan “polacks and coon asses wouldn’t vote for a nigger if jesus christ himself climbed down from the bloody cross and begged them to do it” bayh. then he winked at harold “do you really want a nigger in the White house at 3 am?” ickes. then he winked at maggie “no one would ever suspect a black woman of kneecapping a nigger. would they?” williams. then he winked at sean “jesus, if i’d known they’d kneecap their own niggers, i wouldn’t have bothered showing stephanopoulos how to do it” hannity. then he winked at bill “the first—and last—nigger president” clinton. then he winked at george “a lot of black people voted for me in 2004. and now you know why” bush. then “reverend” whight kissed dick cheney on the lips. then he got into bed. then an irredeemable son of a bitch ran out and joined the green party.
4. john “if anybody’s whiter than hillary, it’s me” mccain cruised through another week of the “democratic” party’s suicide orgy unscathed. not even an endorsement from dubya can stop him now. winners, unlike losers, learn from past mistakes. bill “if anybody needs me, i’ll be spitzering on your daughter’s prom dress” clinton “won” two presidential elections by splitting the republicans with a flakey third party candidate. so this time, the republicans have simply nominated the flake and eliminated the middle man. game over.
5. starting tuesday. or maybe wednesday (i have real “papers” to write for): it’s back to “the daily jonq,” where an irredeemable son of a bitch belongs. thanks for reading. i hope you got a laugh out of the dog’s breakfast of ass clowns we call american democracy. now it’s time to laugh at the rest of america’s ass clowns.
6. by popular demand (startling demand, in fact) i'm sticking with politiqs by jonq. just remember: you asked for it. and thanks.
hillary pounds a bud, obama pounds a bud, liz pounds bud after bud after bud
it’s 3 am. the telephone is ringing. a woman in bifocals and a pants suit answers. “this is the texas polygamists club. could you please come and pick up your husband?”
1. texas (motto: “take my wives. please!”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, are taking dna samples from hundreds of superduper, ultar-far-out-there mormon children rounded up en masse last month, to see if any of them have parents. “the evidence isn’t in. yet. but we suspect that some of these children may be clones, or possibly cyborgs. we may have to round up a few hundred catholic children or lutheran children or flibbertijibbet children for comparison purposes. maybe a few thousand.”
2. chelsea “seen but not heard. or believed” clinton, who does not look a thing like web hubbell, spoke out against a high court ruling that allows for laws requiring voters to present photo id’s. “the photo id system is unreliable. three times, i’ve gone to get a photo id, and every time, the camera broke down.”
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/02/voter-fraud-watch-could-acorn-scandal-in-washington-have-been-avoided-with-photo-id/
3. “actress” and polygamist elizabeth “i never met a man i didn’t marry” taylor, who could certainly teach hillary “i never even met web hubbell, let alone slept with him, before chelsea was born” clinton a thing or two about divorce, today endorsed hillary for president. “she’s not a flibbertijibbet. ferarro knows what i mean.” then she winked at bill. then she winked at mccain. then she winked at lieberman. then she winked at lindsey graham. then she winked at gore, kerrry, bush, bush, mondale, carter, hart, cheney, and kennedy. then she winked at chelsea’s on-again, off-again boyfriend evan strange.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/02/elizabeth-taylor-urges-primary-voters-to-back-clinton/
4. in terre haute (translation: “the high ground.” go ahead and snicker. trust me.) indiana, barack “the flibbertijibbet” obama, who is running for president for some reason, spent the day trying to connect with small town indiana voters. “meet my typical white family.” then he threw a can of bud at a big screen tv showing highlights from rev jeremiah “what are friends for?” wright’s latest “sermon.” then he threw a can of pomegranate-saffron pancake syrup at a big screen tv showing highlights from indiana “senator” evan bayh’s latest makeout session with mccain’s hot blonde lobbyist “friend.” then he took a couple of hits in the press room. then he obliterated a 16-inch low-carb “royal feast” pizza from pizza king. then he obliterated a dozen square donuts from square donuts. then he obliterated a triple meat taco platter from taco casita. then he obliterated a bus full of reporters and bloggers.
http://www.pizzakingindiana.com/menu.asp
http://www.hollyeats.com/SquareDonut.htm
http://specials.tribstar.com/terrehautestop40/stories/square.html
5. stung by the defection of joe “what have you done for me lately?” andrew, hillary “fish or cut bait. or cut monica” clinton dug up a few old dnc party chairmen of her own to wheel in front of the voters. “ken kurtis was chairman of this party when jimmy carter was swimming with giant rabbits and committing mondale in his heart. ken was chairman of this party when billy was pounding the boilermakers and miss lillian was turning down the thermostat. ken was chairman of this party when amy, not chelsea, was the Dateless Wonder Who Could Stop a Clock.”
http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/05/clinton-to-obama-ill-see-your.html
1. texas (motto: “take my wives. please!”) authorities, who never railroad anybody, are taking dna samples from hundreds of superduper, ultar-far-out-there mormon children rounded up en masse last month, to see if any of them have parents. “the evidence isn’t in. yet. but we suspect that some of these children may be clones, or possibly cyborgs. we may have to round up a few hundred catholic children or lutheran children or flibbertijibbet children for comparison purposes. maybe a few thousand.”
2. chelsea “seen but not heard. or believed” clinton, who does not look a thing like web hubbell, spoke out against a high court ruling that allows for laws requiring voters to present photo id’s. “the photo id system is unreliable. three times, i’ve gone to get a photo id, and every time, the camera broke down.”
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/02/voter-fraud-watch-could-acorn-scandal-in-washington-have-been-avoided-with-photo-id/
3. “actress” and polygamist elizabeth “i never met a man i didn’t marry” taylor, who could certainly teach hillary “i never even met web hubbell, let alone slept with him, before chelsea was born” clinton a thing or two about divorce, today endorsed hillary for president. “she’s not a flibbertijibbet. ferarro knows what i mean.” then she winked at bill. then she winked at mccain. then she winked at lieberman. then she winked at lindsey graham. then she winked at gore, kerrry, bush, bush, mondale, carter, hart, cheney, and kennedy. then she winked at chelsea’s on-again, off-again boyfriend evan strange.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/05/02/elizabeth-taylor-urges-primary-voters-to-back-clinton/
4. in terre haute (translation: “the high ground.” go ahead and snicker. trust me.) indiana, barack “the flibbertijibbet” obama, who is running for president for some reason, spent the day trying to connect with small town indiana voters. “meet my typical white family.” then he threw a can of bud at a big screen tv showing highlights from rev jeremiah “what are friends for?” wright’s latest “sermon.” then he threw a can of pomegranate-saffron pancake syrup at a big screen tv showing highlights from indiana “senator” evan bayh’s latest makeout session with mccain’s hot blonde lobbyist “friend.” then he took a couple of hits in the press room. then he obliterated a 16-inch low-carb “royal feast” pizza from pizza king. then he obliterated a dozen square donuts from square donuts. then he obliterated a triple meat taco platter from taco casita. then he obliterated a bus full of reporters and bloggers.
http://www.pizzakingindiana.com/menu.asp
http://www.hollyeats.com/SquareDonut.htm
http://specials.tribstar.com/terrehautestop40/stories/square.html
5. stung by the defection of joe “what have you done for me lately?” andrew, hillary “fish or cut bait. or cut monica” clinton dug up a few old dnc party chairmen of her own to wheel in front of the voters. “ken kurtis was chairman of this party when jimmy carter was swimming with giant rabbits and committing mondale in his heart. ken was chairman of this party when billy was pounding the boilermakers and miss lillian was turning down the thermostat. ken was chairman of this party when amy, not chelsea, was the Dateless Wonder Who Could Stop a Clock.”
http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/05/clinton-to-obama-ill-see-your.html